I dreamt I was going to be killed. I was in a room with 4 or 5 other people, captured and held hostage by mob types with guns. 2 were taken out of the room and killed. I’d been through this before, I knew that what you had to do was hold your head just right. They would think they had shot you, but would have missed. You could play dead, they would leave and you would survive.
I tried to explain this to the others, ‘just do this and play dead and you will survive’. They didn’t believe me, they didn’t want to try.
I wasn’t even sure it would work a second time. I waited to be taken away. I was terrified. I fidgeted constantly in my dream, trying to calm myself, to absorb the situation.
It bothered me that I could not just accept this fate. I knew I could not escape, I knew I was going to die, I KNEW that once I died everything would end and there would be no more anxiety or fear or pain or whatever. I understood that after I was killed things wouldn’t necessarily be better (they would not be anything, I do not believe in any sort of afterlife or reward or anything), but they would be over and therefore not BAD. I just couldn’t reconcile this. I didn’t want to die, regardless of how un-bad it would make things. The other people seemed calm and reserved, why couldn’t I be more like them.
Perhaps my mind is telling me to relax? I’d say that’s a sure bet. Is this an indicator of where my anxiety levels are registering? Probably.
So, while other people dream of flying or sex or the moon, I dream about having my head held down and shot.

and not exit to the world and phoniness and people….
Today I bought my first Christmas present of the year and i love it and I cannot even write about it as the recipient does occasionally read this. But, it is cool and I love it and it follows in the tradition of a gift I buy for someone because I think it would be a gift that would make me happy if I got it.
That is not to be confused with “gifts purchased for other people that you actually want and will probably borrow until you keep them”. That is not a good gift giving strategy.
Of all the people I have to shop for, David is the hardest. I’m at a loss. The man is practicality defined. The gift must be useful for him, it must not be extravagant, it should be tasteful, it should relate to his interests. He has a number of interests that I don’t know much about, guitars, music, camping, games with zombies…
It is very hard for me to shop for David because I want very much for it to be ‘right’ and also within budget. Let me tell you, if i had no budget restraints I’d have 87 things picked out…but then that would violate the whole ‘not extravagant’ thing.
Speaking of budgets, once again I have picked out presents for too many people! I can’t not give gifts to people, I love to do it. Sigh. There is always a way.
In other news…
Found me a dogsitter for when I am in New Orleans! I think she will work out well AND she assured me that if she was not able to do it she would get a back up. How cool? Way cool.
Maddie is losing weight again. Weird. She’s not really in a position to lose any more weight. I’m keeping an eye on her, I worry about her.
Still working on the new site. If you know anything about me (and too many of you know too much about me) you know I work slow. The new site will be up and functional soon. Mark is helping me with design as I have the design talent of a blind toad.
Currently reading Ilium. Amazingly good book. I just cannot get enough of it. Thank you to Alex for the gift. If anyone should feel so inclined to purchase the sequel, Olympos please feel free.
and with that naked plea for gifts I will take off.

None of your business, really.
I don’t mean that to sound harsh, but we’re just going to have to call this week a wash and let it go. Much happened, good and bad. Too much happened to talk about.
I stopped answering my phone and most of my emails. If I did not answer the phone when you called, it’s not that I don;t like you, it’s that I dn;t want to talk on the phone. If I did not respond to your emails, it’s because there is much in my head that preclude pleasant conversation.
Here is some happy news.
You can make your own, personalized postage stamps!!! Holy. Shit. I should be getting 2 sheets of Ghengis stamps in the mail very soon. They will be used to send the predictable custom holiday cards with the photo of the dogs together.
It is harder to photograph two dogs sitting still than you think.
I am crocheting scarves like a mad woman. I know most people knit, but I crochet (I CAN knit, but i’ve no talent for it. I’ll stick to crocheting, it’s where I do good). I’m using up my excess (giant rubbermaid tub) of yarn to make scarves. Go me. Sadly, I can’t make hats or mittens.
I finally booked my tickets to New Orleans for Christmas. Who the hell wants to go to New Orleans for the holidays? Apparently a lot of people. You can not get cheap tickets down there. I even called our corporate travel agent and she was more expensive than the internet (not inclusing her fees). I finally found tickets and booked them and will be in the big (busted) easy for the new year.
My dog sitter will be home for the holidays as well, so I am trying to find a good dog sitter who will work for cheap money, free laundry and food. I think with Maddie it’s got to be easier on her to get a dogsitter than it would be to board her.
I finally got to eat dim sum. I determined that I can eat approximately 42 pounds of dim sum related bundles before I feel the urge to die. Sadly, I also determined that there is…well, nothing for david to eat at dim sum. My new favorite is the shrimp with whole quail egg, or the shrimp and pork in the football shaped glutinous rice shell, or the sesame balls FRESH out of the fryer. I also ate tripe (meh, not so interesting) and chicken feet (okay, but I had just watched Sin City the night before and there is no way you can eat chicken feet without thinking about the scene where Marv’s parole officer is talking about how the werewolf made her watch as he sucked the flesh off her bones. I wigged out a little and had to stop eating).
Remember when you were in 9th or 10th grade and you were learning about Hitler or Stalin or many of the regimes like that, maybe in South America. Remember how you learned about people who were taken in the middle of the night for ‘crimes against the government’ and those people were taken away, jailed, never given a trial, maybe tortured? You always got a little freaked out imagining some guy who maybe didn’t do anything or maybe did do something, but something small like print literature of an opposing nature, or maybe he did do something and that something was bad but he never got the chance to go to trial and defend himself. Remember 10th grade world history? Yeah, I’m reminded of it every time I listen to the news. I have this idealistic faith in judicial system. I learned it was the great fairness of every situation. If you did something bad you would go to court, be put on trial. I learned that no matter what, you would go to court and be tried and if you had done something wrong or illegal real evidence would be presented and you would pay for your crimes in a fair and equitable way.
Of course there are all sorts of ways around these things, high powered lawyers, corrupt cops, whatever. In my idealistic world, however, i do truly believe that the government, regardless of the situation, should not get out of using the judicial system. It is the only way to be fair and true. If you cannot win a case in court, then maybe don’t secretly imprison someone with no chance of release, you’re not playing fair.
I need to stop listening to the news so much.
There are a million other things to report and talk about, Hammy the Hippo, Maddie’s foot, my haircut, the worst chinese delivery ever, Gladiator (god that movie sucked balls), whatever. I’ll get to them sometime…
I promise.