On being a manager at McDonalds
“The thing about being a manager at McDonald’s is that your employee could stab you and you’d be all ‘I know you just stabbed me…possibly in the liver…I’m bleeding black…I’m going to die in 30 minutes…could you possibly work tomorrow? I know it means you will miss your day off and it’s short notice but we need you. Please call 911.'”
Maybe you had to be there.

I found this in an old email this morning. I think I should take up a career writing eloquent if perplexing death threats to people
When your times comes, and it will, as it does for everyone, it will be sanguinely graceful and viscerally stunning. Universes will collide in imitation of your offal display.
I promise
Let me know if you’re looking to hire for something like this (just the death threat writing, I have to have a personal stake in the issue if I’m going to carry it out).