To Survive

As inhabitants of this planet we have been granted some inexplicable measure of grace to survive the things that should rightfully kill us.
Though the pain seems too great, the volume somehow unnecessary, you still unexpectantly open your eyes with the sunrise. The first few days you regret that you survive, the next few are met with apathy, soon there is surprise that you managed to make it and then you find yourself back in your groove.
To find yourself alone in your bed shared for 10 1/2 years, to bite your tongue before you say ‘I love you’ at the end of a conversation, to realize that you will never again nibble the back of her neck and bury your face in her hair while she types an email to a friend, these are pains you do not want to survive, but you do.
You hear the same things over and over again “It’s for the best”, “It will get better with time”, “Now you can live for yourself”. Is it for the best? It doesn’t matter, it is what it is and you can only deal with the hand dealt to you. Will it get better with time? All things fade and morph and become something new, time will ease the pain. Time to live for myself? This is the most cryptic of all that I’ve been given, though I’ve gotten it so many times from so many different people that I will have to take time to ponder it.
I still love her with all of my heart, this will never change. She saved my life once, many years ago and that’s not a bond that ever breaks. I’m not quite ready to be single, I’m not ready to call her my ex.
My heart is still heavy. I’m still waiting for time to kick in and start easing this pain. For now, I swallow hard and smile, it seems that since I’ve survived this, I’ve got no choice but to keep going.


When your life goes from fine to fucked rather quickly, you need something therapeutic. I found my therapy.
* Fold a dishtowel and lay it on the counter.
* Place empty soda can on dishtowel.
* Beat the everloving shit out of the soda can with a kitchen mallet.
* Repeat.
Took me about 8 cans to find calm again. I’m a motherfucking mountain of calm.

Things Change

My girlfriend and I have been friends for 15 years and lovers for ten. There have been good times and bad times, mostly more good than bad.
Since the beginning of our relationship there have been 2 fundamental issues. One was mine, the other was hers. Over the years we had twisted and turned and done what we could to deal with these two issues. Ultimately, we’ve had to accept that these two things were never going to change, they were intrinsic parts of the other’s personality and they were precluding the other from having her needs met.
This weekend, our relationship fell under the weight of these issues. We have decided amiably and mutually that we can no longer continue on as lovers and still be friends. This was not a decision made lightly or without many tears, but it was a decision made with a huge amount of love behind it.
We are still friends, and part of this change was in an effort to preserve our friendship which we cherish above all else. Though there have been tears, god so many tears have been shed this weekend, there has not been any anger and even now there is laughter and comfort.
I do not know what the future holds for us, but we are stepping in to it slowly.
I probably won’t be posting here for a while. As much this is an amiable decision, i still feel like my breastbone has been shattered, my heart has never been this heavy.
and i’m scared.

Ha ha ha politics

This is one of the very few political statements you’ll see me write, mostly because I don’t give a shit and therefore don’t complain too often. Also, people who talk a lot about politics are about as interesting as urethral blockage, it’s interesting to watch someone’s face turn purple with the exertion, but after a while your mind wanders and you start praying for embolism.
James Lileks tends to go on and on about politics. i can get through about a paragraph or two before my mind wanders. Mostly I go to read the cute kid stories and then take off after the Bush-kissing starts. In his latest Bleat he has this paragraph about Kerry (who he dislikes) and Bush (who he seemingly likes):
So Teresa Heinz-Kerry passes out buttons that say �Asses of Evil,� with pictures of Bush, Cheney, Rummy and Ashcroft on them. There you have it: the President of the United States is an Evil Ass. I�d love for someone to put this question to Kerry in the debate: Senator Kerry, your wife handed out buttons that called the President an Evil Ass. Do you believe he is Evil, an Ass, or both? And if I may follow up, I�d like to ask if you can possibly imagine Laura Bush doing that. Thank you.
James, seriously, if Laura Bush, even once in her life did something with emotion, if she in anyway broke out of her zoned out, coked up, pill filled existence and performed an act with any sort of emotion, I’d shit a brick. Really. I would excrete a fully formed brick, in public, for the amusement of others. With mortar.
I mean all she’d have to do is blink and I’d be down at Peavey Plaza with my pants at my knees.
It’s about time someone’s spouse supported them by showing some balls. Asses of evil? Probably not all of them, they aren’t smart enough to be evil (with the exception of Cheney, Satan probably learned some of his best tricks while suckling at Cheney’s teat). Asses? Well yeah, you can’t be in politics without being an ass, it’s part of the game.
You wanna talk about class, let’s talk about the single, most horrifying terrorist attack happening on your watch and you turning it around and using it as the backdrop to highlight what a strong and dedicated president you have been? Ha!

Spring has…sprung

Today I was hit on by two different married men. One was a surprise, one was not.
It’s spring, time for people to want the humping and apparently, time for married men across the nation to realize that they aren’t getting any at home and to go sniffing out the nearest big bosomed hussy they can find.