To Survive

As inhabitants of this planet we have been granted some inexplicable measure of grace to survive the things that should rightfully kill us.
Though the pain seems too great, the volume somehow unnecessary, you still unexpectantly open your eyes with the sunrise. The first few days you regret that you survive, the next few are met with apathy, soon there is surprise that you managed to make it and then you find yourself back in your groove.
To find yourself alone in your bed shared for 10 1/2 years, to bite your tongue before you say ‘I love you’ at the end of a conversation, to realize that you will never again nibble the back of her neck and bury your face in her hair while she types an email to a friend, these are pains you do not want to survive, but you do.
You hear the same things over and over again “It’s for the best”, “It will get better with time”, “Now you can live for yourself”. Is it for the best? It doesn’t matter, it is what it is and you can only deal with the hand dealt to you. Will it get better with time? All things fade and morph and become something new, time will ease the pain. Time to live for myself? This is the most cryptic of all that I’ve been given, though I’ve gotten it so many times from so many different people that I will have to take time to ponder it.
I still love her with all of my heart, this will never change. She saved my life once, many years ago and that’s not a bond that ever breaks. I’m not quite ready to be single, I’m not ready to call her my ex.
My heart is still heavy. I’m still waiting for time to kick in and start easing this pain. For now, I swallow hard and smile, it seems that since I’ve survived this, I’ve got no choice but to keep going.