Oh slacker me, the one with the words who never really gets around to putting the words on the screen and sharing them with you.
One reason is that the most interesting aspects of my life at the moment have to do with therapy, depression, therapy, depression, dealing with it all, therapy and depression. Sure, you can dance to a broken record if you have to, but who really wants to? I mean besides me and other crazy people?
So yeah, stuff happens, but most of it would seem rather repetitive if I wrote about it.
But, let’s touch on some salient points, shall we?
Yes, we shall!
Effexor! A long time ago (about a year ago) I wrote about trying to wean myself off the effexor. No easy task from any way you look at it. Effexor is crazy addictive and packed full of side effects. I was at a dose of 375mg a day, not an insignificant dose at all. It’s been an incredibly tough process. By the beginning of the summer I had gotten myself down to 150mg and I decided to stay there for a while. Each jump down in dosage, no matter how minor brings a slew of amazing side effects. Brain zaps, irritability, irrational thoughts, crabbiness, dizziness, nausea and so on. With the summer upon us and David home full time I decided to stay at 150mg in an effort to experience some stability and to be able to enjoy my time with David. Also, when I am irrational and irritable I can’t really control how I lash out and it’s one thing to spend your days swearing at the dogs, they just see it as some new game. It’s quite another thing to spend your days crying and swearing at someone you love.
And I imagine it’s not an easy thing to spend your day with a crazy harpy who enjoys crying and swearing at you!
Mostly it worked out okay.
Starting again in September I got back on the plan for bumping down. Whoa, let me tell you something, whatever effects might have been apparent before are magnified 10x once you get below 75mg. Those bump downs at 75mg and under were brutal. All the brain zaps, shivers, nausea, irrationality and whatnot are there, magnified, but also it is like every single nerve in your body is just EXPOSED. Everything is just too much. Everything is too loud, too scratchy, too bright. Every statement that comes your way seems to be dripping with indecipherable hidden agendas. Most regular situations, like say not being able to eat burritos for every meal, leave you an angry mess. it’s like PMS with fangs.
I’m now down to about 18.75mg every other day, things are easing up a bit. I’m being patient with myself but also I am being honest with the people around me, I cannot tolerate much right now.
One of the more noticeable changes in me is the return of my absurd self. My ability to construct stories and scenarios from the most bizarrely unrelated factors is back and strong. I missed it dearly, i did. People who know me well have commented that it seems that I am “returning”. That while the effexor did a lot to help, it also covered much. They missed those parts of my personality. I missed them as well.
The one side effect of the effexor that I do miss the most is the vivid dreams. Really. I would have the most intensely vivid, detailed and engaging dreams. Luckily they were not nightmares, I know that a lot of people on effexor struggled with their dreams becoming nightmarish, I was lucky. I just got night after night of cinematic, yet absurd dreams that I hated waking from. If they could distill out whatever property caused the dreams but left out all the other side effects, i would totally engage in some sort of hardcore drug cartel! I do really want those dreams back, they were awesome.
Therapy! I am seeing my therapist weekly and it’s been awesome. She is amazingly intuitive, often able to verbalize my struggles when I cannot. One of the things I really appreciate about her is that she is not focused or married to a single therapeutic method, but has a pretty full arsenal and really makes the effort to combine the best bits and pieces for me.
Last week I got to draw and color with crayons! That’s amazing and awesome! I was so happy. And it was not just an hour spent coloring! We used the drawing and coloring as an exercise for dealing with my excess and often untenable anxiety. Using the repetitive physical action of coloring as a focus for my mind. Focus away from the anxiety, focus towards the repetition. The repetition is calming. Every time I chose a new color I took that moment to find a spot of physical tension in my body and try to relax it and then take a deep breath. Once I had my new color I go back to focusing on the repetition and the calmness that it brings.
It works beautifully. Re-focus my attentions, do not dwell on the anxiety but let it gradually and naturally dissipate as I pay attention to something else. Self-sooth with repetition but still take random moments to relax.
We’re also discussing using EMDR therapy and so i am spending time researching this. I got a book from my mom about it, written by Francine Shapiro, the developer of the technique. The book is good, it works with case studies as a way to show the ways it can work in different situations. I wish it had more physiological science and data laid out. There are copious notes and references to related studies, but when I go to look them up they usually require a subscription to read. Bummer.
I know there’s a bit of controversy surrounding EMDR and its effectiveness, which is why I am researching it so much. What I am finding, however, is that much of the controversy is centered around people saying things like, “why would eye movement affect the way you process trauma? that doesn’t even make sense!” All statements to that effect ust get shuffled off to the side and disregarded. A lack of understanding of a process does not negate the process. It’s like the anti-evolution crowd and their “how could such complexity just happen without intelligent direction? That just does not make sense to me!” Your lack of understanding or education on evolution does not negate its reality, it just means that you do not know.
On the other hand, I HAVE been able to find some information regarding balanced stimulation of both hemispheres during the processing of events and the role that norepinephrine plays in that process. Of course I’m not a trained professional so it takes a lot of research and backtracking and then researching the research and trying to figure out what I’m reading, but I’m getting there.
I’m not suspicious of EMDR per se, I just want to understand how it works. And I have never ever been one to just blindly accept stuff like this. I’m all give me science or give me a goddammed burrito!
In other, not so serious news:
I lost my Chibi AGAIN! I have sweaters that need finishing and I cannot finish anything until I find my Chibi! It’s been suggested that I get another Chibi. I know that if I get another one then my original would show up immediately and while it would be nice to have a back up, I know that they would just create a Chibi Herd and escape again, together. Fuckers.
One of my Pantsters, the love and awesome Summer aka Stargrrl, sent me a Spngebob coloring book and it arrived right as I got home from the therapy session where I got to color! Serendipity! It’s been added to my collection of Spongebob coloring books, which are my favorite coloring books! The only problem with having lots of Spongebob coloring books is that you go through a lot of yellow crayons.
Now I am off to the recycling room of Roosevelt High School with David so that I might break things with a hammer. Awesome? It’s my homework from therapy! I have to break something in a controlled environment as a way to safely release my frustration. Y’all can have your boring therapy! My therapist tells me to color with crayons and break things! Huzzah? HUZZAH MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!
Ask Auntie BubboPants
Oh hi! Who’s running late again? That would be me! I expect at some point I am going to get a letter from a non-signing chickenbutt that says “Dear ABP, I put together a biweekly news publication for a popular website. It is a lot of hard work but I do enjoy it immensely. Well, I enjoy it most of the time, I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t have an issue. It seems that one of the regular contributors can’t be arsed to get her column in on time ever. Ever. Short of stringing her up and gutting her like a fish and putting her on display as a warning to all others who might consider being late with their submissions, what can i do?”
And you know what? The only advice I could give is, “String ‘er up! Gut ‘er out! Show ‘er off!”
Once again, my sincere apologies to the wonderful people behind the scenes at TWiR who do the hard work and put up with people like me!
***
Dearest Auntie BubboPants,
In the last few months, I’ve finally gotten the nerve to break up with my long distance boyfriend and start seeing the boy at work that I’ve been crushing on for a long time. He’s perfect. Charming, old fashion, open and honest, passionate, has two jobs, and handsome to boot. I’ve never felt more happy or smitten in my life.
However, there’s one little thing that kind of bugs me. I don’t think he brushes his teeth. He’s got this icky grime in his mouth all the time, and it makes it gross to kiss him sometimes. Should I say something? Should I definitely NOT say something? I’ve never had to deal with this before. The last boy was very set on dental hygiene. Everything else about him is great, clean cut, well dressed. Just his teeth. What’s a girl to do?
-Nonsigning Chicken Butt
Dear NSCB,
Tell him. You have to tell him, but you have to find a way to broach the subject in a way that shows you are not being critical but concerned.
Every once in a while David gets the Mad Funkies in his breath. It’s not that he’s not brushing his teeth, he is, I see it happening. It’s that he tends to get very low grade sinus infections that he doesn’t really recognize are there. The build up of bacteria in his sinuses comes out and can give him bad breath. The first time I noticed this I fretted and fretted about how to approach it without seeming overly critical. Certainly, I didn’t want to just bust out with “blergh! what you got in there? A dead raccoon??” Luckily, I had a moment of A-HA! and I remembered that bad breath is often caused by low grade infections.
I opened with, “I’m not being critical, but I think that you might have a sinus infection.” Then I went on to explain about the bad breath, the bacteria, the bad breath again and assurances that I wasn’t being Judgey McCriticalson, I was just concerned. He went to the doctor, they found the infection and he got some nose spray. Now I have only to ask him to use his nose spray.
Now! Of course you might be dealing with a different monster here. If he’s not brushing his teeth then “sinus infection” isn’t the issue. HOWEVER, it will give you a way to bring up the topic. it’s not lying to him, per se, it’s just bringing up the issue of his mouth in a non-judgmental way. It will allow him to contemplate the issue without getting defensive or feeling shame.
Now, if the subject is brought up and he still does not start maintaining a regular oral hygiene regimen, then you will have to push again. And this time is harder because you will have to be more direct. A fully grown adult male with easy and affordable access to modern dentifrice has no excuse for not taking advantage of it. Then again, maybe he has other emotional issues, ones that run deeper than oral hygiene but express themselves of toothbrush avoidance. If this is the case then you have a decision to make. Are you willing to accept and help deal with the much larger issues at hand? You don’t have to, you aren’t obligated. It’s not unreasonable to have certain expectations in a relationship. If you decide that you’re in it for the long haul, then learn to be supportive and nudging and learn to accept the sometimes stinky foibles in exchange for the knowledge that with time and effort they can be overcome.
***
Guru Auntie Pants of the Bubbo,
I would love to get your take on my wonderful situation…
I have a sixteen year old daughter that has been in a relationship with a family friend’s son for about six months. He is a good kid, although he has lost direction and needs to hop back on the train to his future. I can’t come up with any cute way to say… I am aware of what level of intimacy is involved in their relationship since I was lucky enough to walk in on them during a moment of secret late night couch activities. I have taken steps to help insure they are practicing safer activities and hopefully will not end up like I did in the teenage parent classes in high school.
During a recent conversation with my wonderful daughter, she told me that said boyfriend often talks about how things will be years from now when they are together. She thinks it is sweet and all things warm and fuzzy, but she is not sure what she sees in the future. First of all, she doesn’t want to spend her life with someone that has fallen off the future train and can’t seem to hop back on. In fact, she has recently told him she wants to see action on his part before she will spend time with him. Second of all, she says she isn’t sure she wants to spend forever with the first person in which she has been in a real relationship. She adores him and he think he is wonderful even with those perfect imperfections.
So with that background information, I will move on to my actual question… I understand what she is feeling, but I’m not sure what I should do on this one. At her age, I don’t think she needs to worry about long term future in your relationships. This is all practice for later on in life. But I also think learning about maintaining a relationship is good too. What thoughts do you have about how I can support her in this situation?
Yet another nonsigning chickenbutt
Dear YANSCH,
Learning to maintain longterm relationships is really one of the most important skills one can learn. It’s not just a single skill, but an entire skillset full of rich and diverse abilities. Learning to maintain, longterm healthy relationships comes with practice and time and maturity. Certainly, the only class offered for such a broad subject is called “Life Experience” and we’re already signed up for it.
But you know what else? You know what is more important that learning to maintain longterm relationships? Learning to take care of yourself. This is so important and yet so many people miss out on this. I don’t mean “take care of yourself” as in “eat good apples and don’t speed in the rain and wear sensible shoes” but I mean it more like, “know your limits, understand your needs, be resolute”
Too often people grow up believing that complete self sacrifice is the best way to live that it provides the highest amount of happiness to other people. How common is it for someone to enter into or stay in a relationship believing that “if they could only fix the other person” it would be perfect. How well does that turn out? How often do people stay in dead end relationships simply because they feel trapped by their choice?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m a huge proponent of working very hard up until the last minute when you finally have to accept the relationship is gone.
Let me give you a metaphor (because I love me some metaphors!). On an airplane you are instructed to put on your oxygen mask before helping others with theirs. This is one of those things you hear and never really give much thought to, but it a very simple set of instructions that pretty much translates to all areas of life. In the event of an emergency, you might be able to help one or two people with their masks before getting to yours, but by the time you get to putting yours on you may not have the strength and wherewithal to don it properly. You might not even have a chance to. You’ve helped one or two people and lost yourself.
If you quickly and efficiently put on your mask, you then have all the time and oxygen you need to help as many people as you can reach AND you will have saved yourself.
Take care of yourself first. Be strong first so that you can share MORE strength and that strength with multiply within you instead of dividing you.
As a side note, I’d like to say a little something about the teens that have fallen off the future train. Some of us, we make it back on. It’s true. I barely made it through high school, I had to hustle through summer school in order to graduate and I graduated with a shamefully low GPA. My future train left the station without me because I was wandering around looking at other things. Standard public high school was not the place for me, but nobody really knew that at the time. My train left without me and it took a while for me to get caught up but by the time I got to my train I realized that rail transportation was not the only way to meet my future. I opted for hovercraft!
All I’m saying is that even the most irresponsible teens can grow up to do something completely unexpected and shiny with their lives.
***
Dear Auntie BubboPants,
I have recently started a relationship with a new guy who like sweaters (and looks very good in them, I might add) and who loves the things I knit!
I am not stupid, however, I am not going to knit him a sweater. I WOULD like to knit him some gloves though, and maybe some socks.
Do you believe in the sweater curse? If so, how far does the sweater curse go? Is it reserved only for sweaters? A scarf takes a lot of time, does it occasionally bring tragic ends to relationships? Can I make this awesome guy a pair of socks?!
And in your professional opinion, why is the curse real/seem real?
Sincerely,
Happily In Love
Dear HIL,
I do not believe in curses but I do believe in what Granny Weatherwax calls “headology”!
A sweater cannot break up a relationship anymore that a pine cone can conquer Lake Erie. People create relationships and people break up relationships. The sweater curse is based on very simple headology. Handknitting a sweater can take a lot of care and effort. Receiving, wearing and appreciating a sweater can take some effort but the laws of headology are pretty clear, the receiver can never match the effort of the giver. The receiver can love and appreciate the sweater to the nth degree, but the maker put in effort of a value of nth degree plus 1 (I don’t think this is mathematically correctish, I never caught up to the algebra car of my future train!).
The idea is that the receiver can get this sweater and wear it and love it, but at some point it really is just a sweater to them. Because that IS what it is, a sweater. To you, the maker, you touched every single stitch, you measured and seamed and thought and loved. It is a product of love. It represents something entirely ineffable, whereas to him it represents a wonderful but very real piece of clothing.
This discrepancy is the fulcrum on which the overloaded levers of relationship issues get bent and broken. It comes to symbolize all that one person hates about the other “He doesn’t appreciate me!!!” and “she wants me too get all nutty about a damned sweater! I told her I loved it! what more can I do?”
The curse does not exist but relationship problems do exist. What to do? Make him something only if you WANT to make something for HIM and not for some unreachable pinnacle of appreciation. Know that your effort will be greater than his ability to express appreciation, but also keep in mind that there is much he does that you probably forget to appreciate. The scales are surprisingly equal in most relationships, the people themselves just fail to notice.
***
Hey Auntie BubboPants,
One of my best friends came to visit me earlier this summer and we had a really great time. At one point, she ran out of cash and didn’t have an ATM card. To solve this problem, she wrote me, at different times, two different checks for $60. I deposited them in my bank account and then withdrew cash for her. Problem solved, right?
About three weeks later, after she had gone home and I was about to leave the country, those two checks bounced. The bank took the $120 out of my bank account and charged me $20 for each bounced check. This left me out $160. I called her and talked to her about it and she said she could PayPal me the money once she got paid – but I would have left the country by then. The money didn’t come.
Later, I was home for the summer and hanging out with her, but felt like it would be awkward to press the subject as she had quit her job and was really broke. Her dad was paying her rent. She was supposed to have started a new job before I had to leave to go back to school but it fell through and I left town without having been paid back.
What do I do? Financially, I’m better off than her, but that doesn’t change the fact that I expect my friends to accept responsibility for situations like this. I’m working and saving to pay for study abroad, and to a college student $160 is a lot of money. I’m trying really hard not to feel like a greedy miser but I’m not sure how to get her to pay me back.
Awkward situation, awkward question…I need your help in this one.
Thanks.
One more nonsigning chickenbutt
Dear OMNSCB (sheesh, what is it with you people? Sign your letters! I’m not your letter signing mom!)
You are not a greedy miser. You are not a greedy miser in any way at all. Ever. In good faith you lent her some cash and in very poor form she wrote checks to you that her bank could not cash. Not only did she get cash from you in order to make her visit with you more enjoyable but she left you with bank fees and a sour taste in your mouth.
Okay so maybe she doesn’t have a lot of money, but it sounds like you’re not exactly rolling in it either. She is an adult, she is capable of getting a job, she is capable of tweaking her finances at least a little to get her to the point where she can come up with the $160 she owes you.
Cash is the sweater curse of the friendship.
Bring it up calmly and with no accusations. Explain that this $160 is important and that you need it back. You don’t have to justify why you need it back, you don’t have to feel bad because you have more money than she does. She was not in dire straits when you lent her the money, you are not charging usurious fees and she already violated your trust by writing bad checks to you. Offer a payment plan of some sort, even if it is $20 a month. As your friend she needs to know that she can go to you for help but she must also respect you. Taking money and not paying you back is a form of disrespect, causing someone else to deal with bank fees because of your irresponsible actions is a much larger disrespect.
I can’t promise you will get your money back. There is a possibility that she will continue to pay lip service to paying you back while continuing to put you off. You could take legal action, but I am not one to give advice on that, I don’t know enough about it. But my feeling is that if you took legal action you would be out more than the initial $160.
If she does not pay you back, then you are out $160 and I would advise you to cut her out of your life as it is obvious that she is used to using people and does not recognize the consequences of disrespecting those who put themselves out for her.
***
Dear Auntie BubboPants,
Please excuse me first of all, because it’s late and I’m on a caffeine drive which makes me wordier than normal. I’ll try to get to the point, but there’s a lot I probably need to explain.
I have this really difficult issue, and honestly, you are the only person I could think of who would tell it like it is and be objective enough to answer me in a way that is honest.
Okay, here’s the issue.
I have 3 siblings, and the oldest of them, who is 7 years older than me, is getting married the day after Thanksgiving. This should be a really happy occasion, but here’s the deal, it’s his 4th time getting married, and there are already big warning flags that this one will go just like the last three. His bride-to-be is a recently admitted alcoholic, they have lived together for about 8 months, during which time she has “moved out” a few times, and at one point, she even destroyed the garden they had planted together. She was extremely jealous during the summer, and kept believing that he was sleeping with his ex-wife (who he was still technically married to at the time). Oh, and did I mention the kids? There are 6 children involved, 3 from his previous marriages (2 and 1-the middle wife couldn’t have kids, so they are separated by a 10 year age gap), and her three children with her ex-husband.
This isn’t the real problem, because frankly, it’s his life, and if he wants to continue to screw it up, no amount of me butting in is going to change that fact. The real problem is that I’m heartsick over this whole business, and I can’t even talk to my ever-loving mother about it. She is something of a waffler on this business, because she is the kind of person who will tell you just want you want to hear, not what you need to hear. So she tells him while he’s not with this woman that he’s better off, but when he goes back to her (as he always does), she tells him it’s all gonna be okay, and the rest of us can’t say a word against it, or she makes our lives a living hell for it.
But I just can’t bring myself to even feel an ounce of happiness for him, because the thought of him getting married yet again when it’s nearly a guarantee that he’ll be divorced again in a few years (with possibly ANOTHER child), makes me sick to my stomach. I’ve been on the verge of tears every time I think about it for the last two weeks since I found out they were getting married against ALL better judgment.
The worst part? My mom basically bullied me into making them a wedding cake! I’m making a cake for them to “celebrate” their marriage, when I don’t have any celebratory feelings about this whole messy business at all, and when what I’d rather do is shove both their faces into a cake than spend the hours of effort making one. But my mom is the queen of guilt trips and the best I can do is accept what they are about to do and go along, even though I am so against it that I can actually feel my body rebelling against me when I think about how I’m going to design the cake. It is taking every ounce of willpower I have right now not to scream out (I’ve got two little people sleeping right above me, that would be a very bad thing to do!), because I can’t stand it!
The worst part is, I can’t talk to anyone about it because all of my friends know my mom, and I don’t want to speak ill of her to them, and because I don’t want to spread family issues among too many of my friends and acquaintances, since my mom is a vip in many of those circles. (we go to the same church and she happens to work there and knows a lot of people) I love my mother, but unfortunately, she doesn’t show the same face to people outside our family as she does to those within. I know there’s dysfunction in every family, but here’s what really sucks: in spite of saying she doesn’t have any favorites: my oldest brother IS her favorite child. We’ve all known it for years, and we’ve all mostly accepted it. She will not hear a negative word against him, and even if something sounds like it might be negative, she tears the rest of us up limb from limb if she thinks her bestest child is being picked on. But he’s also the most screwed up of all of us, so I don’t really think the favoritism has worked in his ahem favor.
I guess my problem is with my mom, but on the other hand, I don’t know what to say or do about my brother and his future wife. She’s a nice woman, and she seems to care about him and like being around my family, but I can’t be happy for them. Is it okay that I’m not happy for them? I don’t really want to make waves just for the sake of making waves, but I just have no joy whatsoever when it comes to this union.
Sad Sister
Dear SS,
Do you have to be happy for them? No. No you don’t. No one is the boss of your feelings but you. You are the only person who gets to decide how you feel about something. So no, you don’t have to be happy for them.
What do you HAVE to do? The simplest answer is “nothing”. But the world is not simple and the simple answers rarely suffice.
You don’t have to be happy, you don’t have to think this is a good idea, you can think it is a bad idea if you want. BUT! the thing that you have to do is acknowledge that this is happening and no amount of disapproval on your part is going to change that. Being angry is not going to change this. Being unhappy is not going to stop the wedding. Making lists of all the ways in which this is a bad idea is not going to suddenly give him a better idea.
Only you are the boss of your feelings, only you can choose how you can react. You don’t have to approve, but he does not need your approval. You don’t have to be happy, but he does not need your happiness. You don’t even have to make the cake if you don’t want, he can order one if you flat out refuse. If he wrote to me to say that his sister was angry and did not approve of his upcoming wedding, I would tell him to find a way to sidestep the anger while still respecting you. Your anger and unhappiness in this particular situation are about as useful to you and others as banging your head into a wall. It’s big and undeniable, but the wall won’t fall down and your head can only take so much.
You don’t HAVE to be happy, nobody can make you be happy. You don’t have to approve, nobody can make you do that either. If it makes you feel any better, I’m thinking this whole wedding thing might be a bad idea too, but I’m not here to advise him. I’m here for you.
Cakes are beautiful and delicious. Almost everybody loves cake and eating cake makes people happy. You can choose to make this cake. Making this cake is something you can choose and control. Cake makes people happy, you can focus on that. Choose to focus on the aspects you can control, like delicious wedding cake, and let go of those things you cannot control, like irresponsible siblings. Make this cake and make it a symbol that says “I will do the best I can with what I have. I will let go of those things that are not mine to hold and I will share with others these things that come from me.”
You don’t have to love your new sister in law but you can feed her cake and cake is delicious.
***
Dear Auntie BubboPants is a weekly advice column covering everything from love, self esteem, pants, yarn and recipes. Auntie BubboPants doesn’t really knit, she only crochets, so don’t ask her to ssk2tog for you!
Take the hungry from mah belly!
David brought home the plague from one of the booger factories he works with. So, he’s been sick, now I’m sick.
But before I got sick, I cooked! Like a maniac.
First, a coconut curry squash stew:
I used this recipe as a starting point. More garlic, less onion, no bell pepper, I used crowder peas instead of chick peas because that’s what i had on hand. Instead of curry powder I mixed up a blend of spices heavy on the cinnamon, allspice and nutmeg, along with toasted cumin seeds, mustard seeds, fenugreek, coriander, smoked spanish paprika and a bunch of other things, I also added a small dollop of red curry paste and a big dollop of mild curry paste. I also added 1/2 a squash that I got from my sister. She told me what kind it was but I can’t remember. It’s about the same color as a butternut but slightly sweeter. Big, ridged on the outside. Good stuff. Served it on rice. David put coriander chutney on his, I put tamarind chutney on mine. Even better as leftovers.
Then, squash raviolis and pork tenderloin:
I sliced the pork tenderloin open and stuffed it with a mixture of chopped garlic, rosemary, olive oil and salt. I skewered it back together and let it marinate for the day.
Apple slices were tossed with olive oil, salt and pumpkin pie spice then baked in the oven at 225 for about an hour. This was to dry them a bit but still leave them juicy on the inside.
Ravioli stuffing was made from the other half of the squash, pureed and mixed with pressed ricotta, parmesan, salt, pepper and more pumpkin pie spice (really, I was too lazy to try to make the right spice blend). Because I was feeling lazy and wanted something quick I didn’t make my own pasta. Potsticker wrappers are perfect for the cause, they are the right size and thickness. Unfortunately, they were out of poststicker wrappers at the little grocery by my house. I know from experience that wonton wrappers are too thin, so i figured I would try the eggroll wrappers cut into squares. Meh, I don’t recommend the eggroll wrappers. too thin.
Pork roast went into the oven at 325 for less than an hour. While the roast was resting I brought a pot of water to a boil. In a giant frying pan I melted half a stick of butter, tossed in some toasted hazelnuts, the roasted apples and some rubbed sage. Once hot I added the ripped up leaves of a bunch of kale and sauteed. Raviolis were cooked and tossed in the frying pan with the kale and apple mixture. Everything was mixed up, pork was sliced and everything was served.
If I were to do it again I would roast the garlic for the pork before I stuffed it in. I cook my pork to just under done, still pink, and that does not allow the temp to get high enough to cook the garlic enough to mellow it. It was good but the garlic was still too strong. And the too-thin wrappers made the raviolis difficult to manipulate once they were cooked. I have to be super careful because they broke too easily.
And for the dogs, I made liver treats!
Making liver treats for the dogs SOUNDS like such an awesome idea! They think it is awesome, they think it is the best idea you will ever have. The idea is awesome, the execution is not so awesome.
Puree one pound of raw beef liver in the food processor. Oh holy shit! You think you have seen foulness in your times! YOU THINK THIS!!! But you have not seen truly foul anything until you look at a bowl of pureed raw beef liver. Holy. Crap.
It looks like a bowl of blood flavored instant pudding! It is red! It is wobbly! It is sticky! blergh.
The nice thing about dog treats is that they are not an exact science. The end result gets fed to an animal that licks its own butt in the name of high cuisine. So, dump the Sheol Brand Instant Liver Pudding of Doom into the stand mixer bowl along with a couple eggs, a handful of flax seed meal, some olive oil and about a cup of self-rising flour.
Note on the self rising flour: I happened to have self rising flour on hand because David picked some up for me once getting it confused with bread flour. Self rising flour has baking powder, if you use regular flour then add about a teaspoon of baking powder.
Using the dough hook, start mixing the vile mess. Keep adding flour until the mass becomes less sticky and more doughy. The lesson I learned the hard way is that pureed liver has many of the same properties as epoxy glues and never stops being sticky (‘add flour until no longer sticky’ is a common instruction for me when describing making doughs. It doesn’t work for this.). Oil a pie plate well and dump the monstrosity in there. Try to smooth it out with a greased rubber spatula. It won’t work. It will stick to your spatula. Bake at 325 for 30 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean.
Let cool.
At this point you will realize that your entire home smells like a cross between a slaughterhouse and your grandma’s kitchen on liver and onions night. God cannot hear your lamentations anymore for he has moved on to less smelly environs.
Once the lump has cooled, slice it into 1/4 inch slices and cut those into 1 inch wide piece. spread in single layer on a cookie sheet and dry in the oven at 225 for about an hour. Your dogs will love you forever and that will probably make up for the wretched odor that permeates every molecule of your home for the next 3 days.
aw hell no, what’s up dog!
This morning I’m up and about and in the bathroom doing my morning bathroom things when I hear a bzz-bzzzzz…………..hubzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! I turn my head to see a wasp in the process of divebombing my head. What the hibbityhell? No, really, what the hell! It’s October, it’s snowing, shouldn’t you be dead or hibernating or doing a thing that is not being in my bathroom???
If you are a wasp or bee or hornet please do not exist in my bathroom!
So, normally I would just shut the bathroom door and seal it and wait for David to get home, he’s good with these things. He is not a “ninny-hammer” like I am. But there’s a problem. Of course there is a problem. What’s the point of getting upset if there was no problem. There was a problem. I had to meet David’s sister for lunch in just over 2 hours and I still had not showered. And here’s the thing, i can’t just show up at lunch unshowered. What if your sibling’s loved one showed up for lunch and had not bothered with even the most basic steps of hygiene and was babbling on about wasps getting lost on their way home from Martha’s Vineyard and getting lost in your bathroom and attacking you while you were trying to drop the kids off at the pool! You know what you would do! You would beat them to death with a pipe, dump their stinky body into a lake and call your sibling and explain that they would be better off with an orangutan. That’s your job as a sibling! Make sure the succubus attached to your brother understands the premise of soap.
Being all smart and shit, I run to the Pants to get their advice. Most people would call animal control and be all “holy shitburgers! be’elzebub himself is lording over my toilet!”. Not me, I’m awesome! I went straight to the Pants and got advice.
1. Spray it with hairspray until it dies
a. I don’t own hairspray! Curse this hipster hair of mine! I own countless tubs, tubes and spritzers of pomade, paste, wax and foam. The closest thing to “spray” that I have is goddammed “detailing mist wax”. I could coif the fucker to death, maybe even suffocate it in “Signature Aveda Aroma” but I own NOTHING that wuld allow me to lacquer up that beasts spirules and suffocate it.
2. Put out some beer, the sweetness will attract it and it will drown
a. I am out of beer (also out of wine!). I have a bottle of Svedka in the freezer and a bottle of peppermint schnapps in the cabinet (where did that come from? why do I own the foulest of the candied liquors??). But even if I did have beer on hand, I’m not sharing it with some miscreant arthropod that doesn’t have the good manners to die when the weather gets bad and instead decides to harass me on the toilet. No way! NO! It can buy its own damned beer, screw you, wasp! But also, even if I did put down some beer for it I’d still have part of a beer left and you can’t just put that in the fridge for later, it’s not soup. So what would I do with part of a beer? Drink it? at 10 in the morning? Right before meeting David’s sister for lunch? I’m not sure what would be worse showing up a stinky blubbering mess or showing up unshowered. Hi, I’m the unemployed girl that lives with your brother, I can’t shower because there is a monster in my bathroom and yes…yes I have been drinking!
So I decide to grow a pair and get in the shower. Figured he probably would not be brave enough to tackle me while I was naked and soapy (it would be like trying to wrestle an oiled bowling ball). Get out of the shower, and there he is sitting on the door staring at me. asshole. He buzzed his wings a couple times which is the wasp equivalent of smacking his chest and saying “you want some of this? huh?”. I grabbed the bottle of mist wax and waggled it threateningly as I scooted past him. I had no faith in its ability to keep me safe, but I figured i could get at least one good distracting mist out and then chuck the bottle at his head.
Lunch was good, no one got beat in the head with a pipe. I made it home and now I can’t find the wasp. But that’s okay, David will be here soon enough!
Ask Auntie BubboPants
Hello my tender little chicken butts!
First off, thank you so much for you messages of love for Maddie and Chester. Maddie has he stitches out and is fully recovered and back to her old goofy self. The two of them are back to being good buddies and crabby siblings.
So, let us see what is on the table for this week’s column, shall we?
***
Dear Auntie BubboPants
I’m a knitter, not a crocheter, but I’m sure crocheters have the same problem sometimes. I’m the only person in my circle of friends who knits, so when the holidays pull around, everyone expects me to knit them something amazing, and everyone bombards me with gift requests. It takes time to knit something nice, and I can’t knit 50 sweaters in 4 months (which is about how much holiday knitting time I give myself)! But everyone expects something unique from me and it’s STRESSFUL!!!! They’re wearing me out! What should I do?
non-signing chicken butt
Dear NSCB,
First things first, go here and get acquainted with the Selfish Knitters! Learning to say “no” takes time and practice and finding a group of people who understand and support you in this journey is important.
You have to learn to say “NO” and you have to learn all of the ways in which it can be said.
“No, I’m sorry, I just don’t have time for that.”
“Maybe after the holidays? You can buy the yarn, I’ll knit it up, also I like cookies and caramels”
“ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha no.”
“How about after the holidays I teach you to knit? that can be my gift to you!”
This brings me to a yearly rant…
Whatever the reasons for engaging in the exchange of gifts over the winter solstice may have been, they are now long long lost. This is only sadness to me. It’s become a social construct, a tool, a weapon, a threat, a device, a reward. No longer are gifts given freely and without reservation. On one side we have receivers who request specific items, who argue the validity of their gifts, who compare the values of each gift and rank the givers. On the other side we have the givers that punish the giftees for perceived infractions over the previous year, or who knock themselves out trying to buy the perfect gift for someone who will not appreciate it. People receive gifts that they do not want givers wrap gifts they cannot afford.
And in any given group on any forum on any website you can find gift related arguments and flame wars raging.
This has got to end. Really! This is pure insanity. It starts with you!
Gifts that are given under any duress are not gifts. Gifts that are given with expectations of valued return on investment are not gifts. Gifts given with reservation or hesitation are not gifts. Gifts are by definition not obligations.
Gifts that are opened and judged, weighed, valued or compared are not gifts deserved.
What was once a small tradition meant to bring light and celebration into the darkest part of winter, a way to share meager holdings among the community so that all might benefit has become a race to the bottom.
As the holidays approach I implore each of you, my little chicken butts, to find a way to change your thinking even a little bit on the subject. For each gift you give, make it a give that has meaning and heart behind it. For each gift you receive, be truly grateful, do not compare or judge the gift, only accept and love the gift.
***
Dear Auntie BubboPants,
Goodness! I never anticipated getting into a mess like this!
You see… I met this guy. (Don’t all of the biggest problems seem to start this way??) I met him in April and hated his guts for absolutely no reason at all; he was dating my friend and was never unkind to her, or me, or anyone else. I hated him passionately and fought with him at every opportunity. He persisted in trying to be friends with me, and eventually, I accepted that yeah, he’s a pretty awesome person. He is several years younger than me, and has significantly less experience than I do, and I don’t expect perfection – I know that things are complicated when you’re young, and the future can be pretty intimidating.
Said awesome person cheated on his girlfriend/my friend with me – and I was cheating on my soon-to-be-ex-husband. This went on for a couple weeks, and finally we agreed it had to stop. We were honest with the people who needed to know the truth; his girlfriend couldn’t care less, she was just happy that we were happy. The ex blames the guy for the end of our marriage, but no one really cares what he thinks (and he’s wrong, anyhow).
Ending things didn’t last long, and the guy and I got back together. This time we were dating, and there wasn’t anyone else to get in the way of it. A month in, he broke up with me quite unexpectedly – only to come back a few days later telling me he was really sorry, he’s just scared of all these things he’s feeling, and he loves me. This has happened 3 times now, each time a month or so apart.
The last time, we didn’t get back together. However, that doesn’t mean anything has actually changed – when we can’t see each other, he texts or calls throughout the day. Most days we talk on the phone for anywhere from 4 to 7 hours. One day I had lost my phone and hadn’t talked to him for almost a full day, and when I found it, he was afraid I was avoiding him and was really upset. Neither of us is seeing other people, and honestly, Auntie, I do love him in a way I wasn’t really prepared to deal with. He says and does the “boyfriend things,” but is adamant that we just be friends. He has told me more than once he knows he’s “just going to fail at being in a relationship” and he’s so afraid of doing something that would be seen as unforgivable, that he’d lose the person he’s with.
I love him, and I accept that he’s young and complicated and life seems daunting sometimes. I’m not a patient person, but I’ve never minded waiting for him… because I know that eventually, things are going to work out. Even everyone else sees how things are with us, and that we just “fit” in a way most people don’t (and they comment on it, repeatedly, to both of us). I guess what I want to know is – how do I help him be less afraid, or how do I change what we’ve got going on so if we’re just friends, we’re acting like we’re just friends?
-Confused Chicken Butt
Dear CCB,
Writing an advice column is sort of a weird experience. You see, about 85% of the letters I get have the answer somewhere in the letter. Mostly the writer is upset or confused by something, knows what they have to do, but doesn’t understand why. These ones are sort of easy because I have the benefit of being outside the forest and can help them understand the map and get around the trees.
There’s maybe 10% supertoughies that require me to do research or find people who have better insight into a situation than I do. These ones are harder, but only because they require more effort on my part. Luckily I have friends and family with a nice, wide range of experiences and expertise and most can be bribed to help me.
Then there’s the last 5%, the thorny chickenbutts of doom! The ones who send a letter full of information, and ask a question that I cannot answer because the question is unrelated to anything I want to actually say based on the other information in the letter. These letters are a quandary for me, my job is to answer questions, but my obligation is to be open and honest and tell you when you are being a chickenbutt in a bad chickenbutt way as opposed to a good chicken butt way.
You, my dear CCB, are being a 12pound chickenbutt, right here, right now, I am obligated to say it.
The reason why this relationship is continually n the rocks is because it seems that neither of you is capable of understanding what makes a good and healthy relationship. You hated him, he persisted, you found him to be awesome, you both cheated on your respective partners.
Not awesome. Seriously, not awesome. Okay, so you say your relationship with your husband was at an end, that this was a symptom of that and not the factor. Fine. But what about your relationship with your friend? Does your friend not deserve fidelity and honesty from her friends and boyfriends? Do you look at your friend and say, “you deserve to be deceived and cheated on?”
Both of you entered into a relationship with a person who has proven to be blithely indifferent to the very social contracts that allow us to trust one another. In the end, does it matter that your friend “couldn’t care less, she was just happy that we were happy”? You didn’t believe that this would be the case before you engaged in this cheating or you both would have been honest with her before it happened. Whether or not she is as happy and accepting as you say is not for me to judge, but I will say I have my reservations about it. Sometimes when confronted with such massive betrayal from two people you trust it is easier to cut your losses and let it go. Perhaps she is happy that this happened before she got too committed to him, perhaps she is happy that two people who obviously deserve each other have found each other.
Your relationship with him is based on acts of deceit and mistrust. The way you write to me about them indicates that you feel no remorse about your actions and in my opinion this is the big neon wedge in your relationship. Does he know that you will remain committed to him? Does he know for sure that this untroubled breaking of trusts is a single aberration in the general scheme of things?
My advice to you is probably not the advice you want. It’s not advice that uses your words to give you a map to the goal you want. It is advice that uses your words to give you a map over harder terrain. Let him go. If he is as young and unformed as you say, let him go and find a new way. Do this because you have much work in front of you. Take some time away from dating and away from relationships and take some time to focus on yourself. Learn to exist as a single person. Relearn to love yourself. Then take some time to learn how to be a good friend, how to give to another person, how to not just take the things you want even if it seems you could have them freely.
You are standing at the edge of a very powerful and life changing moment, it’s a step you can take, but you have to do it alone. It is too easy for you to put your weight on others and call it good. Bear this burden yourself, learn to carry yourself. Then you can learn to lean on someone else.
***
Dear Auntie BubboPants,
I hope you can help me, I seem to have developed a severe case of not being able to knit without major froggable errors found in projects rounding the bend to being finished. It may be due to overconfidence, but now I’m afraid to touch my lace shawl for fear I’ll wreck it too.
I know some of the solutions, like use more lifelines and stitch markers even on the simplest projects. I just hate ripping back all those stitches especially when it’s happening on every project I touch these days.
How can things be so wrong when I knit along thinking they are all okey dokey until I take a close look and then….AAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!!! The top of the cookie socks do not match the bottom, one side of the shawl is shorter than the other by 30 stitches. It’s a nightmare. Have I ever really finished anything, or is it just an illusion?
For now I’ve taken up reading books, watching movies and I may even get back to my quilting. What do I do when my fingers itch to knit? Is there such a thing as depressed hands? Or is my mind loosing track all together?
What to do? Oh, What to do?
shiningwaters
Dear Shiningwaters,
oh dear, I know, I’ve been there. We all make mistakes. There is a mistake in every single thing I make. It’s not there intentionally, but if I find an error small enough to not affect the entire piece then I leave it there. I like them, those tiny human errors that keep us from getting too excited about ourselves, those little missed stitches that keep us humble (admittedly, however, it’s way way less messy to miss a stitch in crochet than to drop a stitch in knitting).
But this isn’t what you’re dealing with, is it? You’re working and discovering that you missed something little with big big consequences. It’s frustrating as all hell and sort of demoralizing. I’ve been there! I took a break.
I just went through a funk where it did not matter what I crocheted, it just turned out wrong. None of my calculations were right, none of my estimates were close, none of the yarns chosen were working out.
I did the thing that people throughout history do when they are vexed to the very limits, I took a break. I did other things. I taught myself to make jam and I learned how to can things. I studied up on subjects of interest. I watched more movies, read more books, colored with crayons. My hands itched to hold the hook again, but I ignored them. I distracted them with rolling out pasta dough and coloring in pictures of spongebob and writing stories about snails. Then the urge to crochet subsided and I continued to focus on other things, felting, embroidery, computer games. And I waited patiently. When the urge came back I sat down and tried again and whatever had plagued the connection between my mind and my hands had cleared and I could crochet again.
Rarely do we heed the opportunities to learn new hobbies or new ways of interacting with the senses. This is a chance you should not let pass you by. Grab it and learn something new!
***
Dear Auntie BubboPants,
I have a question for you and hopefully it won’t be hard to answer.
I’ve been with the same guy for about 4 years. I’m 23 and he’s 24 and we are going to graduate from college in December. We get along so well and I can tell him anything, but I’m at this point where I feel like I could end it without being too hurt. I don’t really have a reason, i just don’t have that urge to stay with him, other than the knowledge that i might not find anyone i can get along with as well.
Here is my thing. We are at the point in our relationship (4 years) where many relationships/marriages end. I’m thinking maybe it has to do with oxytocin not being released as much, or some other hormonal thing. I don’t want to end it just because I’m not irresistibly drawn to him, but I don’t want to stay if it isn’t meant to be and there is someone who is perfect out there. I don’t know that there is, but if so they can’t be much better than my guy.
So if you have any information or wisdom you can give me on the doldrums of relationships I’d love it. I’ve looked stuff up, but I never find exactly what I’m looking for.
Thanks,
Young and Restless
Dear YaR (YARRRRR MATEYS!)
The relationship doldrums! They happen, they are not uncommon, they can be survived…if you both ant to survive them.
Okay, so, if you read my column you know my theory about the selfishness that is the beginning of a relationship. Yes? When we start dating someone we do it for selfish reasons, “he makes me feel happy, he makes me feel good!” This is true and it is not a bad thing, it’s just a thing. The difference between dating someone and really falling in love with them is when that shift happens and we look more towards what we can do for the other person and less at what the other person does for us.
The doldrums usually happen sometime after that shift. We become complacent in the balanced ‘give’ and ‘take’ in the relationship and we stop thinking about it. and he stops thinking about it too. and you both stop thinking about it. and suddenly neither of you is really making the effort to make the other person happy, are you? If you were you wouldn’t be writing about the doldrums, you’d be writing about all the effort you put in that is not reciprocated.
But the doldrums (and the attendant lack of reaction hormones like adrenaline and oxytocin) can be fixed. It’s actually sort of easy. You start by going back to that time when you were actively making an effort to make him happy. You don’t have to greet him at the door wrapped in Saran Wrap! But a surprise note in his lunch can mean so much, or a card in the mail just to say you love him. Take an interest in HIM again, remind him why he fell in love with you in the first place. You’ll spark him up and he’ll start taking an interest in YOU!
Relationships are like the careers of the soul. Just like with any career you don’t just get hired and then glide on through to retirement. You work all the time. You focus and exert effort and you have triumphs and you have bad days and the rewards can be great. You don’t just find the perfect match and suddenly you’ve reached your goal! No way, finding the “perfect match” is really just the trailhead to a path that you will follow for your lifetime. The journey is the goal.
Go make a card for him and mail it off. Doesn’t matter if you live together! I just got something in the mail from David, something goofy funny that now hangs on the fridge and makes us laugh.