A billion years ago, in the primordial ooze I first came to life. It was my first life, the first of many i would apparently have over the next billion or so years, and it would seem i am on track for many more lives. In that initial life, when my form could only be described as “gelatinous slime” and my thought process as “poor, but shows potential”, I ate something. I don’t know what it was, I think it may have been orange and most likely slimy or oozy.
Immediately after this curious meal of mine, the sticky currents changed and I was killed.
Many more incarnations occurred and many more curious meals devoured until the advent of the ‘baby carrot’ and the ‘chee-toh’, and yet it would seem that through time and across these many lives I’ve managed to carry that first meal with me. It has been an intestinal traveling companion of which I was unaware.
Unaware until Monday afternoon when it suddenly resuscitated itself in my lower colon. The colon of a modern day human may seem similar to the sulphuric burpings of the primordia, but this little orange fella knew things were not as they should be. He awoke, took stock of his surroundings and made the only logical decision, he attacked.
His attack was swift and unexpected, he demanded escape and what could I do but comply? I underestimated him. Perhaps he learned much during that billion year journey with me, all i know is that he is a brilliant tactician and a fearless warrior. He managed to unite the various intestinal factions that reside at or against their will in my abdomen. They came together against a common enemy and they have been fighting non-stop this entire time.
I plead with them, I beg them to listen to reason. I am not keeping them here against their will, they are free to leave any time they like, i just ask that they do so in an orderly fashion. There is no need for them to paint their faces blue and charge like a valiant but retarded Mel Gibson led army! I offer safe and free passage! Just get on the train!
Entropy. Rhinoceritus. Mob rule. Call it what you will, they will not listen. They have been battling a non enemy since Monday and i am tired. I missed my movie this morning, I can’t even walk the dogs because I fear being more than 10 feet away from the toilet, I will miss my fireworks tonight. I drank an entire liter of Pedialyte this morning hoping the eternal purple grapeness of it all would calm them, lead them to negotiate. Failure. They turned the Pedialyte against me just as they turned the oatmeal against me.
I give! Don’t you see the white flags I keep waving?? I am sure the Geneva Conventions mention this specifically. This has to be illegal! Three days this has gone on. The original orange meal is long gone, possibly spreading discontent among the sewers, i don’t know.
I will take my case to Bush! He adores these types of situations! I’ll just whisper something about mass destruction…he won’t even have to hear the rest of the sentence! awesome.
Happy 4th people! May every explosion you see in the sky tonight remind you of the battle being fought in my insides.

I am probably the only north american consumer of my generation that did not watch the transformers. I just didn’t. They were all angular and angry and blowing shit up. Me? I was a Go-Bots kinda gal. Less anger, less blowing up of shit. Wednesday morning, at 9:30 AM I will be watching the transformers movie. Why? Because my boyfriend and his friends and their friends are nerds.
I don’t think I can eat popcorn at 9:30. I’m going to insist on chocolate peanuts and an ICEE. If I have to get my ass out of bed early on the greatest holiday in american history (besides arbor day and flag day) I deserve peanuts and chocolate.
To write this post I had to engage in my retarded link-finding procedure again. Delving into my stats allowed me to peruse the links and search terms again. (since I am on David’s computer I cannot post screen shots. I am retarded and have forgotten how to navigate a PC)
1) it seems that there is some link to me from somebody’s myspace blog. Weird? superweird. Who are you on myspace that has linked to me? It doesn’t show up in the url.
2) Ever since writing a post about my pendulous breasts and the bras necessary to keep them aloft about 87 of the 102 search terms involve boobs, tits, bras, or bosoms in such combinations as “granny boobs” “giant bras boobs” “huge pendulous boobs” “i dont care much for boobs” “boobs in dressing room” and “volvo convertible bra”. I hope that in some way I have been able to fulfill your boob related needs in some way.
3) “how to incapacite someone” someone went onto the internet on a quest for knowledge. They wanted to know how to how to incapacite (sic) someone. Their search led them to me. Once again, I hope that I was able to answer that question for them.
4) “hindu astronauts religion” um…ditto
5) quite a few searches for me specifically, you know, putting in my name and city and things like that. hmmmm who are you? why are you looking for me? Should I get out my hittin’ stick?
6) this is my personal favorite, “she pooped her pants”. Awesome. Who are you people? how do you end up here?
I’m off. I’ve got to ponder the religion of hindu astronauts while incapacitating people.

I am so totally becoming this jerk person. I’m becoming the kind of jerk person who I didn’t like when I was a kid! Remember when you were a kid and you felt that if a rule was unfair you shouldn’t have to follow it? Also, remember when you laughed at honor boxes because who would pay if no one was watching you? And remember there was that one adult that would explain that not liking a rule doesn’t make it unfair, and even if a rule is unfair you still have to follow it and you should always pay the honor box even if no one is looking not for fear of getting caught but because it is the right thing to do?
I have become that adult. Luckily I have not reached the crazy, irritating self righteous stage where I feel the need to point out when people are not following the rules. Also, I still drive too fast so I’m in no position to be vocal about judging anyone else’s scoffing of the laws and rules.
I even feel bad, not guilty just bad, when the cashier forgets to ring something up. I was packing up groceries one day and noticed I had forgotten 2 gallons of milk under the cart. At that point I could have left with them, but I didn’t because it was wrong. I wasn’t worried about getting caught, i knew I wouldn’t, it was just wrong.
Also, I always pay the honor box. Always. Especially at State Parks (which is where I run into most of them), mostly because it’s right, but also because I like funding the state parks system here.
If something has a pay option or a free option you are not allowed to complain about the free option (like a service or something). You totally have to pay in order to complain.
If you want the state to provide services you have to pay taxes. Also, even if you don’t use some of the services a state provides (public education, foster care, tracking the populations of walleye in obscure lakes) you STILL have to pay taxes for those things because we are a group, a society, we all live together and raising the quality of life for one person does help raise your quality of life even if you don’t see the direct results.
Unions = awesome. Actually, this has less to do with following rules than it does with my liberal leanings. It’s not like “big unions! YAY” but the idea of collective bargaining. The idea that unless the employees work together, they will lose all kinds of rights and benefits. Of course now companies like to say “oh! you want a union? you want to keep your health coverage? Fine, we’ll just leave! See how you like them apples!”. It’s a kind of blackmail. It’s a way of saying “you better take the $7 an hour AND the anal rape or we’ll go and you won’t even have the $7!” and that is wrong. It’s wrong in my “right and wrong” issue (of course it’s wrong in favor of employees, but you know…Minnesota). It is fine to make a profit on your employees, that why we have companies, but the profit needs to be proportionate to what they get.
Okay, I have to stop with the unions or I’m going to have unmarked helicopters over my house and I’ll be kidnapped, beaten and covered in Bush stickers.
Quantum physics? Wrong. Things don’t fundamentally change because you THINK they should. 10 dimensions? Wrong. You don’t get to make shit up to confuse people. What’s the point of 10 dimensions? Who is using all these dimensions? Can I get a refund on the dimensions I don’t use? The Uncertainty Principle? Don’t get me started. (obviously, this isn’t so much a matter of right and wrong as much as it it me being like those old people who were like “vaccinations? we don’t need no vaccinations! get your kooky vaccinations away from me”)
I listen to supreme court rulings to see how they line up with my interpretation of the constitution. I don’t like the idea of private gun ownership, I think it’s something of a monstosity, but I accept that the constitution is interpreted in such a way as to make it legal. You are just not allowed to bring a gun into my home.
The thing is, most old people would be like “what’s the problem, that’s what you are supposed to do.”, but it is a problem. The world should not be so black and white, there are all kinds of factors that weigh into situations. So far I’ve not lost the ability to look at a situation from all sides, but I fear that if this trend continues I will lose that ability and then I’ll be one of those rule nazis that everyone hates.
Hell, lots of adults bought me alcohol when I was underage (but in college) and I pretty much refused to after I turned 21. Now that is a jerk maneuver!
The other thing that makes me a total jerk? I’ve been considering going to a pet-loss grief support group but I can’t because I don’t want to be nice to other people. See I spend a lot of my time giving advice to people, being a sounding board for their ideas or just generally being a good listener. I love doing that, it’s something I am good at. The problem with a pet loss support group thing is that if you get support you must also give support, it’s the fundamental dynamic. It’s what makes it a support group and not just another room full of hostages. I don’t want to help people who have lost their pets. It’s stupid and mean and selfish of me, but I want to go there and be supported and leave and that’s wrong.
I don’t like myself very much when I think about the support group thing. I think I am being an asshole.

I don’t even know how to say sorry for this.