I don’t think I want to know any of you guys anymore. You are one truly screwed up group of people. It’s not even the end of the month and I have 3 pages of fucked up search phrases.
So, let’s break it down, shall we
Page 1

• I know I cover this every time, but if you know the name of the website, why are you searching for it?
• all y’all are just a little too obsessed with boobs! Alaska boobs? Difference of boobs? boobs. Come on, you’re not 12 year old boys! And if you are a 12 year old boy, go to a different website! There’s nothing for you here. Any discussion of sex in this blog will likely make you gay and blind.
• Attention men! ATTENTION!!! One of you has a girlfriend out there who is trying to learn how circumcision is performed. It seems she has found the information she needs from my site. If I were you, I would leave soon and never look back. She’s gonna Bobbitt your ass.
• lanolin shar pei? A shar pei is an awesome and sweet dog. Lanolin is one of the foulest and stinkiest substances in the world. The merest wiff of lanolin makes me want to run, any more than that and I want to heave and my head hurts.
• See poop! SEE POOP! YEAH!
• Homemade sleep pills. Man I WISH I had that on my site.
• Cerebellar coning in dogs. What?

Page 2

• Wow, lots of mentions of pee, bladders and bursting.
• Hey, guy whose lady is planning on circumsising him….looks like she’s also trying to learn to ‘incapacite’ (sic) a guy
• More boobs! You love the boobs! Not the titties or the breasts or the bumblebops! Boobs!!
• Leminger! A dude recently commented that his last name is Leminger! In searching out his family, he discovered me and my jam. If I knew where he was, I’d send him and his family a case of Leminger (and don’t any of you email me to say that your name is “Def Strawberry Jam” or “Merciful Peaches” I will see through your deceptions
• Sore throat sore muscles? Take a break once in a while.

Page 3

• Ant porn? Is there ant porn? why were you looking up ant porn and more importantly, how come you got directed to me upon searching for this?
• dicks! The awesomeness of this is that someone searched for the word “dicks” and got sent to me. Dicks! What posseses anyone to search for the word dicks without modifying it in any way like “humongous dicks” “most people are dicks” “why do dicks smell like corn nuts”. So instead you search for the single word ‘dicks’
  I just did that search and some 12.2 million results returned and ten pages into the results I still didn’t see my site. This tells me that someone searched for ‘dicks’ and spent hours reading minidescriptions until they found me. AWESOME!

• ‘swallow oxyclean’. No. Do not swallow OxyClean.
• ‘Where is the cerebellum and what does it look like’. The cerebellum is in your head, and it looks like brain. Fucking zombies, why do you even care what the parts of the brain look like. Just fucking eat it.
• who the hell has a ‘big iron collection’? who collects irons??
• ‘peed forever’. sometimes, yeah.

Yeah, so you guys are freaks

1) I am addicted to crossword puzzles. I do at least 2 or 3 a day. On the weekends it is not uncommon for me to do over 10. I do everything from the NYT to the Merriam Websters. I’m not saying I’m great at them, I just love them. Sometimes David and i work together, sometimes he thinks I am insane. I am insane and I like crossword puzzles.
2) Speaking of loving things, I’m still pretty deeply in love with SudBot, the dishwasher of caramelly goodness
3) in the few weeks that we have been looking at houses they’ve managed to get even cheaper! Awesome. I mean I guess not so awesome for the thousands of people foreclosed upon. It kind of feels like buying one of those really cheap houses is just me feeding on the corpses of the victims of unethical lending practices and american capitalism gone too far, but on the other hand, hey, cheap house. And seriously, you can’t even argue with me on the points of unethical lending or capitalism gone too far, you should have seen the mortgage dude we first talked to. he was like a creepy car salesman. When we told him that the figures he was pulling were definitely above what we were comfortable with as a monthly payment he tried to pull some flash and magic and ran up all kinds of numbers about tax decuctions and returns and for a minute we were mesmerized. Then we woke up and realized that his calculations were way off base, his figures were wrong and he obviously didn’t know how to calculate deductions. You know there was a minute there where we did think “yeah, he’s right…” and luckily we woke up. Now, this guy was actually at a reputable firm and we are fairly well up on the situation. Imagine some of the really slimey guys and the people who don’t know or don’t understand how these things work, they just trust that the professional in front of them knows what he’s talking about. So, yeah, the meaty corpse of the american dream is being served up on my plate and I’m not sure how to feel about it.
4) Fucking Awesome! Of course by “awesome” i mean “awesome if you like Radiohead and cool flash illustration
5) bunny hats with adjustable ears, dolls to sell on etsy, felted purse made from yarn died for me.
6) I have $40 worth of Door county sour cherries coming to me next week. Cherry jam is back on the menu. Also time to get the jams for the state fair together.

I finally saw Brokeback Mountain last week. I know, i know, 8 million years late. Whatever.
I’m sitting there watching it and I didn’t like it. The whole world loves this tender story of gay cowboys and I’m sitting there thinking “what a couple of jerks!”
First off, the script sucked, the dialogue sucked, the premise was completely forced and retarded. A couple of sly glances, a forced kiss and suddenly there’s copiuos unlubricated anal sex? Um, what the hell?
Then there’s the characters. Okay, fine, I can accept that the time/location situation would call for gay cowboys to marry women and have babies and appear straight. I can also accept that married gay cowboys with children probably still want to have sex with other gay cowboys. But do the married gay cowboys have to be such assholes to everyone? I looked at this movie and didn’t see the sad story of a love that could never be, I saw the story of a couple of selfish jackasses being mean to people to get what they wanted. You love your gay cowboy more than your wife? Sure, okay, but she mothered your children and is providing an effective beard for your secrets, maybe be nice to her. Maybe don’t treat her like an annoyance. Maybe having and maintaining a long term job to support your children is a little more important than mountain sex.
And finally, why didn’t he fish? Obviously they had to stop fucking once in a while to eat or ride horses and whatnot. Why not go get some fish? Does secret gay sex make you never want to fish? Why wouldn’t he fish? He’s out there, the river is there, they have to eat something other than jerky. I don’t believe that they wouldn’t fish. They forced this detail in without even thinking about it.
So, in conclusion, I take the most beloved PC love story of our time and hate it. Next thing you know I’ll be stomping kittens and running sweatshops. I’m a jerk.

Dear Citizens of Planet Earth
You are probably wondering what that 23% rise in planetary joy is all about. Yeah, you are. That happiness is my new dishwasher and the total erasure of that area of stress in my life! No longer will I ponder just blowing my kitchen up to avoid washing the dishes, Now I have a dishwasher!
I used to wonder how cavemen got by without dishwashers and I realized that that’s probably why they died out.
Oh, and for those of you who are like “dude, doing dishes isn’t that bad!”…Yeah, um shut up! okay, shut up.

It was decided that if I am to maintain a desirable level of sanity I should own a dishwasher. A dishwasher would actually save my life.
A dishwasher means clean dishes
clean dishes means clean kitchen
clean kitchen means more cooking
more cooking means having more people over for dinner
having people over for dinner means feelings of self worth, accomplishment and generosity
feelings of self worth, accomplishment and generosity means I will survive.
Thank god for Craigslist! I got me a portable dishwasher for $50! It’s doing it’s maiden load right now. heh heh heh maiden load. Do you know how heavy a portable dishwasher is? You know those ladies on Jerry Springer that have to be airlifted out of their homes? Yeah, something like that.
I got a dishwasher and if you know me at all, you know how giddy I am.
I shall call him ‘SudBot’