I know, I need to relax. I need to stop piling more things on. I took a guided meditation class once, it was designed to teach me to stop and focus, to calm myself and meditate. I sat in the class quietly crying because I could not bring myself to relax enough to focus on the imaginary spinning thing in my chest. I sat in this class weeping silently because I had failed at relaxing.
I create situation after situation that requires my attention and my problem solving. New place, new dog, new car. These get nestled into the various other constants in my life that also need my attentions, boyfriend, original dog, planning holiday parties, job.
I’m getting old. I admit it. These things that I used to thrive on, these constant challenges, the use of skills that are to me ineffable, now exhaust me. One of my dreams in life was kids. 4 kids. When I was younger I imagined coordinating the lives of 6 people, myself, my partner, our 4 kids. Soccer practice, band practice, braces, conferences in which I defend the honor of my child to the �ber-authoritarian principal, making costumes of mushrooms or idaho. This is not happening but the base need is still in place and so i am creating it for myself and it’s tiring.
For the first time in months i spent a good deal of time just sitting and reading. This weekend I pulled out my collection of Ramona books. Any girl my age knows Ramona, she read the books, we all did. We loved them. I have the bulk of them and I re-read them this weekend. An hour here, an hour there. It was relaxing. It was escapist.
But it wasn’t enough. I’m not sleeping well, I can’t shake this sore throat/earache, I can’t concentrate on the most mundane tasks.
I don’t need a vacation, I don’t need time off or away, I don’t need a massage or better food or a good night’s sleep. What I need is to learn to relax.
I opened up this page intending to write about the quiet beauty of sitting next to someone dear and watching fireworks, the joy of holding hands while walking through a little traveling carnival. I was going to write about finding a little goat tied to the ferris wheel and as I went over to pet it a small boy walked by and yelled “hello doggie!” then walked away, amusing me to no end.
I wanted to write about 4 of July bbq’s, grilled corn and chicken and steak and brats and turkey breasts, and tofu-brats and onions and peppers, of curried potato salad and mixed fruit ginger trifle and malternatives.
but I didn’t. My stomach hurts and I need to learn to relax.
1) stop creating new conflict for myself
2) stop taking on other people’s issues as my own
3) calm all the current issues before bringing on new ones

1) my phone battery died, if you called and I didn’t answer that’s probably why.
2) Good luck to dena! she interviews with eight (8!!) people this morning (one interview, 8 people grilling her). You’ll do great, darling, you’re going to get the job!
3) there was a goat tied to the ferris wheel last night.

I love quiet sunday mornings. We’ll probably head over for waffles in a bit. YAY.
So, I know that Shar Peis bond with a person, usually just one person, and that bond is pretty strong but I never knew what it could mean until Maddie came along. Last night, with my tiredness and eposed nerve feeling David graciously offered to take both of the dogs to the dog park to wear them out. Not such a bad idea until he got there and realized that Maddie wasn’t going to listen to him and was entirely too distracted by trying to figure out where I was and how to get home to. Now she won’t even let him take her out to go potty.
Sure, the Shar Pei in Ghengis bonded with me, but that fool would bond to anyone with a milk bone and a goofy story to tell.
Alright, I have to gather my shorties and figure out what the deal is with tomorrow!

Ever have one of those days where it feels like your nerves are on the outside of your body and everything is too much? It’s too cold in the AC, it’s too hot outside, the music is too loud, the conversations are too much, the dogs are too much, the sun is too much, the traffic is too much. I’m not unhappy or angry or anything, it’s a good day, but every bit of stimulus is just too damned much and it won’t stop. I wish it was okay to lock myself in my room and hide under a blanket but the blanket would be too hot and I would be bored.
I am insufferable, i recognize that.
And if I hid in my bedroom I would not have been able to go to Cupcake! It was my make up trip since I could not go on Wednesday as I had planned. Oh Cupcake, how I love you so. Today i came home with 2 banana pudding cupcakes, 1 red velvet, 1 dirt cup, 1 mad cow, and 1 black bottom. Sadly, they had no mocha or malted milk cupcakes. Again, I showed AMAZING restraint by not buying banana scones, lemon bars, individual espresso cheesecakes, strawberry cream puffs or chocolate croissants. Fuck it, my housewarming (august 27th people) is going to just be pastries from Cupcake.
Took the new car out for a long drive this afternoon. It doesn’t handle as tightly as the Saab, but that’s okay, it was close enough. Besides, the suspension and the turbo on the Saab were shot to hell, that thing was not handling so well anyway. We went to a nature center west of the cities, it was very pretty but the deer flies were crazy (i’m assured that it can be much worse). They were flying in my hair and bumping into my face and it was just…well…too much for me.
I think it’s time for quiet time.