I was reading my book in bed the other night, as I do most nights, and it struck me what a gift it is to be able to read. The very act of viewing symbols and divining from that all manner of information. Look at one set of symbols and gain the knowledge of how to make a souffle, another set will completely cut off the present world and fill your head with visions of Gods re-enacting the Trojan War on Mars, another set will make you laugh.
This act of reading and disseminating information is actually pretty amazing when you think about it.
I remember the day I realized I could read. It was late afternoon, I was 4, in Head Start (I love Head Start, without it I would have been at such a disadvantage once school started. It’s a program beset with problems but for me it worked). I was in the car and we came to a stop and I looked at the stop sign and I read the word and I knew what it meant, not because it was on the stop sign, but because I knew the letters and I could make the sounds and the sounds made a word and my head was full of fireworks.
I’d broken the code. I looked around, saw another word, i could read it! and another! and another! all these words that I could look at and read and know what they said. It was amazing to me.
I knew that I had not been able to do this the day before. i was very aware of this and because of this revelation I spent years thinking that certain skills just turned on in your head at a certain age. Imagine my frustration in 3rd grade when I could not figure out division AND it seemed that skill would not turn on for me (and it seems it never will).
From that day on I read, not voraciously at first, I read my Dr Seuss or Little Golden Books, I read signs on the street, I read cereal boxes and TV guide and Pebto-Bismal bottles (slowly of course, I was only 4).
And today I read about geishas and space ships and haunted houses and personal problems and souffle recipes and political discourse and gossip and explosions and disasters and miracles and babies and busses and cookies and moons and hippos and islands and and and and
And every word feels like a gift.

I am so totally rocking the old lady thing (i don’t have blue hair anymore, but I can make that happen). I drive my old lady car, I’m wearing a t-shirt with a picture of two baby white tigers and today….I made the final leap…
We slept late and went to ‘breakfast’ late. How late? Late enough to get to Baker’s Square (total old lady hang out) early enough to catch the Early Bird Dinner Specials with the folks. Then I did it, I ordered the ‘All you can eat fish fry’, not because I wanted to eat a lot of fish, but because (and I shit you not) I figured even if I didn’t eat a lot of fish, $5.99 was a good deal.
Then I ordered pie to take home (banana cream, could be the king of pies since strawberry is only available seasonally).
I finished up the evening crocheting scarves with the dog napping on the skein of yarn.
Old lady, i’m tellin’ ya.
I have now completed 6 scarves, all different colors, pretty much the same pattern. I made up a pattern in my head for another one and hopefully that one will turn out nicely. I also need to talk to Levi concerning the color scheme of Ms Dena’s scarf. I’m only working with yarn that I already have, so I have to be creative, sometimes combining colors if i don’t have enough of one for a scarf.
Hmmm….anything else? Happy Hour with the girls from the office (did that sound old lady enough?) on Friday. Cleaning, chilling, eating pre-packaged pierogie (pirohy?) with tamarind chutney, drinking too much coffee, so much my jaw aches, staying up too late, sleeping too late, you know…the stuff I always do.
Owen, email me, I need to coordinate bouillabaisse dinner plans!

I dreamt I was going to be killed. I was in a room with 4 or 5 other people, captured and held hostage by mob types with guns. 2 were taken out of the room and killed. I’d been through this before, I knew that what you had to do was hold your head just right. They would think they had shot you, but would have missed. You could play dead, they would leave and you would survive.
I tried to explain this to the others, ‘just do this and play dead and you will survive’. They didn’t believe me, they didn’t want to try.
I wasn’t even sure it would work a second time. I waited to be taken away. I was terrified. I fidgeted constantly in my dream, trying to calm myself, to absorb the situation.
It bothered me that I could not just accept this fate. I knew I could not escape, I knew I was going to die, I KNEW that once I died everything would end and there would be no more anxiety or fear or pain or whatever. I understood that after I was killed things wouldn’t necessarily be better (they would not be anything, I do not believe in any sort of afterlife or reward or anything), but they would be over and therefore not BAD. I just couldn’t reconcile this. I didn’t want to die, regardless of how un-bad it would make things. The other people seemed calm and reserved, why couldn’t I be more like them.
Perhaps my mind is telling me to relax? I’d say that’s a sure bet. Is this an indicator of where my anxiety levels are registering? Probably.
So, while other people dream of flying or sex or the moon, I dream about having my head held down and shot.

and not exit to the world and phoniness and people….
Today I bought my first Christmas present of the year and i love it and I cannot even write about it as the recipient does occasionally read this. But, it is cool and I love it and it follows in the tradition of a gift I buy for someone because I think it would be a gift that would make me happy if I got it.
That is not to be confused with “gifts purchased for other people that you actually want and will probably borrow until you keep them”. That is not a good gift giving strategy.
Of all the people I have to shop for, David is the hardest. I’m at a loss. The man is practicality defined. The gift must be useful for him, it must not be extravagant, it should be tasteful, it should relate to his interests. He has a number of interests that I don’t know much about, guitars, music, camping, games with zombies…
It is very hard for me to shop for David because I want very much for it to be ‘right’ and also within budget. Let me tell you, if i had no budget restraints I’d have 87 things picked out…but then that would violate the whole ‘not extravagant’ thing.
Speaking of budgets, once again I have picked out presents for too many people! I can’t not give gifts to people, I love to do it. Sigh. There is always a way.
In other news…
Found me a dogsitter for when I am in New Orleans! I think she will work out well AND she assured me that if she was not able to do it she would get a back up. How cool? Way cool.
Maddie is losing weight again. Weird. She’s not really in a position to lose any more weight. I’m keeping an eye on her, I worry about her.
Still working on the new site. If you know anything about me (and too many of you know too much about me) you know I work slow. The new site will be up and functional soon. Mark is helping me with design as I have the design talent of a blind toad.
Currently reading Ilium. Amazingly good book. I just cannot get enough of it. Thank you to Alex for the gift. If anyone should feel so inclined to purchase the sequel, Olympos please feel free.
and with that naked plea for gifts I will take off.