I can’t sing. I can’t parallel park. I can’t make an origami crane. I can’t draw. I can’t run. I can’t make choices.
There is a litany to my day a set of stock responses. I can’t do things. David tells me I just need more confidence, that if I actually tried and practiced I would find that I could do some of these things.
It’s easier, though, to bow out and stop than it is to feel that deep disappointment in myself with every failure. Better to concede victory than to compete.
I wish I did have more confidence. I don’t know where that comes from. It took one offhand comment 16 years ago to make me stop singing just for the love of it. Now I really only ever do it in the car when i’m alone. Sometimes when David is in there, but not often.
Jen’s dad taught me to drive and I could see the immense frustration when it came to parallel parking. I was so retarded at it. I learned enough to pass the test and then made a pact with myself to always park in lots or drive farther to find the spot I could nose into. It’s worked fine. I never do it. No one ever has to point out to me what a terrible parallel parker I am. I already know.
And no one has to point out what a terrible artist I am, I know.
Terrible at music? Yeah, I already know.
Bad eye for colors, can’t design my own website because of some internal retardation. No need to tell me, I already know.
I concede most arguments, or respond with a “what do I know, i’m functionally retarded”. It’s a good response to people question why you do something in a certain way. That way you don’t have to explain that you do something a certain way because it makes the most sense to you or you like it that way or because you think their way is wrong. You just let them know that you’re not so bright and the way you are doing something is probably wrong.
I just wish I knew where confidence came from. I wish I could say stuff with confidence, I wish I didn’t have to qualify almost every damned statement I made. I do know this, it’s much easier to call yourself retarded first than it is to hear someone call you that.