This morning I’m up and about and in the bathroom doing my morning bathroom things when I hear a bzz-bzzzzz…………..hubzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! I turn my head to see a wasp in the process of divebombing my head. What the hibbityhell? No, really, what the hell! It’s October, it’s snowing, shouldn’t you be dead or hibernating or doing a thing that is not being in my bathroom???
If you are a wasp or bee or hornet please do not exist in my bathroom!
So, normally I would just shut the bathroom door and seal it and wait for David to get home, he’s good with these things. He is not a “ninny-hammer” like I am. But there’s a problem. Of course there is a problem. What’s the point of getting upset if there was no problem. There was a problem. I had to meet David’s sister for lunch in just over 2 hours and I still had not showered. And here’s the thing, i can’t just show up at lunch unshowered. What if your sibling’s loved one showed up for lunch and had not bothered with even the most basic steps of hygiene and was babbling on about wasps getting lost on their way home from Martha’s Vineyard and getting lost in your bathroom and attacking you while you were trying to drop the kids off at the pool! You know what you would do! You would beat them to death with a pipe, dump their stinky body into a lake and call your sibling and explain that they would be better off with an orangutan. That’s your job as a sibling! Make sure the succubus attached to your brother understands the premise of soap.
Being all smart and shit, I run to the Pants to get their advice. Most people would call animal control and be all “holy shitburgers! be’elzebub himself is lording over my toilet!”. Not me, I’m awesome! I went straight to the Pants and got advice.
1. Spray it with hairspray until it dies
a. I don’t own hairspray! Curse this hipster hair of mine! I own countless tubs, tubes and spritzers of pomade, paste, wax and foam. The closest thing to “spray” that I have is goddammed “detailing mist wax”. I could coif the fucker to death, maybe even suffocate it in “Signature Aveda Aroma” but I own NOTHING that wuld allow me to lacquer up that beasts spirules and suffocate it.
2. Put out some beer, the sweetness will attract it and it will drown
a. I am out of beer (also out of wine!). I have a bottle of Svedka in the freezer and a bottle of peppermint schnapps in the cabinet (where did that come from? why do I own the foulest of the candied liquors??). But even if I did have beer on hand, I’m not sharing it with some miscreant arthropod that doesn’t have the good manners to die when the weather gets bad and instead decides to harass me on the toilet. No way! NO! It can buy its own damned beer, screw you, wasp! But also, even if I did put down some beer for it I’d still have part of a beer left and you can’t just put that in the fridge for later, it’s not soup. So what would I do with part of a beer? Drink it? at 10 in the morning? Right before meeting David’s sister for lunch? I’m not sure what would be worse showing up a stinky blubbering mess or showing up unshowered. Hi, I’m the unemployed girl that lives with your brother, I can’t shower because there is a monster in my bathroom and yes…yes I have been drinking!
So I decide to grow a pair and get in the shower. Figured he probably would not be brave enough to tackle me while I was naked and soapy (it would be like trying to wrestle an oiled bowling ball). Get out of the shower, and there he is sitting on the door staring at me. asshole. He buzzed his wings a couple times which is the wasp equivalent of smacking his chest and saying “you want some of this? huh?”. I grabbed the bottle of mist wax and waggled it threateningly as I scooted past him. I had no faith in its ability to keep me safe, but I figured i could get at least one good distracting mist out and then chuck the bottle at his head.
Lunch was good, no one got beat in the head with a pipe. I made it home and now I can’t find the wasp. But that’s okay, David will be here soon enough!