so tired

do I do the responsible thing and get stuff done like post photos and run the dishwasher or do I put things off and nap
photos…nap…photos of my latest crochet project using Aisha Celia’s delicious yarns…..or nap
photos of lace projects #1 and 2, progress on sweaters, dogs being cute, baby toys, another boteh and my new arrival of pants merchandise?
or nap?
nap. sorry.

Today was a day that was a day!

I came to work to find a GIANT bouquet of flowers on my desk AND in my boss’ office a giant gift bag crammed full of candy!! It was Administrative Professionals Day!! (aka secretary’s day…except I’m not a secretary…secretaries do not sit in 2 hour meetings trying to get the ACTUAL GODDAMNED NUMBERS FOR THE GODDAMNED $16 MILLION CONSTRUCTION PROJECTS. oh, yeah, and a secretary does not make excel play bitch for her…’who’s gonna map utility usage in the dorms for the last five years?? oh you are! yes you are because you are my bitch and I want a pivot table!!’ My job…kinda sexy). I thanked my boss profusely, then I told him to please thank his lovely wife as it was she who remembered and she who purchased all the gifts. She’s pretty good about these things.
THEN I emailed all the other admin assistants and told them to bring their bosses by so that the bosses could feel the shame of not being as awesome as my boss.
THEN I calculated the difference between our previous contract with the electric company and our current contract. Seems we’re not getting the deal we were promised. I called a maintenance supply company and told them to stop faxing to my goddamned phone! and then I sent contracts to the landscaping people and the real estate consultants. Sexy? YEAH!
THEN Anna showed up and we went to Wench where we discussed her sister, how to make seitan, the awesomeness of the dog park, the creepy people of the world and then I think I told her I was going to stick her in a shiny little box and carry her over my head while singing to her. She did not appreciate that. But then I told her about the time that I realized my bread machine looked like rocketmoonship and I put that on my head and ran around pretending to be a rocket. She appreciated that quite a bit more.
THEN back at work I explained to my boss that I had wanted Thursday off so I could do shiny sunshine things but it was going to be rainy and I had to be at work on Friday because it’s the only day my assistant can be in for the pay period and she can’t be there if I am not there so could I take the rest of the day off? YES! So I popped a giant orange gumball and left and drove home listening to Neal Conan be terse with callers that don’t get to the point.
THEN I bit the underside of my tongue (don’t ask)
THEN I took the dogs to the dog park! I like going to the dog park during the day, it’s quieter, more relaxing. There aren’t as many dogs, but there are some and the dogs had fun. And I stood in the sun for an hour.
Then I worked on a lace design (yay)
THEN David brought veggie burgers and beer and we sat out on the front steps and watched the sun set with the dogs and the beer.
NOW we are watching a movie and I am going to work on my project for the Pants Charity Bonanza!

oh do you think

I forgot my camera last night. I wanted to get pictures of the dogs romping at the dog park. Is there a happier place on earth? If there is, I don’t want to know about it, I don’t think my mind could handle it.
Chester’s becoming snappy with bigger dogs. In many ways this is fine dog to dog language, but no one is really comfortable with a dog snapping at their dog, especially a little dog with such fucking huge canine teeth. They’re like sabers in his mouth or something. I think the saddest thing was the black and white spaniel retriever type dog that was excited by it! He kept bugging Chester until Chester would snap at him and then run trying to get Chester to chase him. Chester hated this. Ironically, this is EXACTLY what Chester does to Maddie, bug the shit out of her until she decides to chase him and kick his ass.
Man, I need a day off, something in the middle of a week would be nice, get stuff done outside, take the dogs around the lake while it’s not busy, just be outside with spring.
Speaking of…the migrating loons have stopped off at Lake Hiawatha. I look at them every morning on the way to work and I want to stop to tell them I will see them later in the summer when we head up to the BWCA again. Chester loves the BWCA!

Craftstravaganza this weekend, be there or be found in cheap clothing and accessories made by Chinese orphans!!!

Ways in which I am insane part Dissonance Apple 5.2 Beta

1) I talk like Tom Brokaw. I believe this. I believe this with the same conviction that a crazy person might believe that the Fornits are talking to him or that there is a pink unicorn in my garage controlling his destiny. (the Fornits don’t talk to anyone but themselves, the unicorn is green and mostly it just shits on the hood of my car). I know that I talk like Tom Brokaw. I know this because evidence was made clear to me 20 years ago!
We went to Florida. When we got to the place we were staying we turned on the television to find the local news to find a weather report so we could decide if we should go swimming. When the news came on I was stunned silent by the awful southern accents that all of the newscasters sported. These weren’t just the funny joke southern accents, these were real. Very real. It was as though their teeth were made of biscuit dough and their saliva was pure molasses. At 15 I’d hardly ever left the state of Minnesota before, I’d never experienced something so peculiar. Why on earth had the tv stations allowed this to happen? WHY?
20 minutes later the national news came on the air and there was Tom Brokaw and there he was, talking without an accent. No accent. he sounded JUST LIKE ME! Me and him! Diction buddies. That was it. The doors opened and I knew the world would be okay.
G) During the decision making process for every major decision of my adult life includes a scenario that goes like this: Should this play out to its worst possible conclusion, how would my interview play out on Dateline NBC?. I always imagine Stone Philips asking me questions. “Weren’t you suspicious? Didn’t it seem too good to be true? Come on now, free potatoes from a man in an alley? Didn’t you think there might be something wrong with that scenario?”. I imagine myself being admonished by Stone Philips for my poor decision making skills. It’s never anyone else, it’s never Barbara Walters or Montell Williams or even Jesus, it’s always Stone Philips.
For a brief period in my early to mid twenties I was completely in love with those ‘news magazine’ type programs where they invent scandal and present shoddy facts in exchange for ratings. Oh those TV shows that fire up middle America with indignant righteousness, “Did you hear that kids as young as fetuses are doing coke and pimping? I heard it on NBC! Hell in a handbasket, that’s what I always say. No one listens to me.” I loved those shows! For an hour I could live in middle America with my no accent and my solid middle class sensibilities offended by the big city. Of course, afterwards, I would be forced to accept that this wasn’t really news. It was sensationalism at its worst, throw everything out there, scandalize the viewer! Freak them out! immorality is RIGHT OVER THE NEXT HILL!!!
And no one got a free ride, there was Stone Philips every week commanding the future from the flight deck. Even the meekest of victims did not escape his inquisitive gaze! Old people scammed by roof tar contractors! Quiet, lonely business men financing deposed Nigerian princes! Ladies looking for love and finding only the back end of a rohypnal orgy and herpes!
SO! whenever someone says, “you need to talk to my friend, he can totally set you up!” I always think about Stone Philips and I wonder what he would ask of me.

I have opinions #3776

Jimmy Carter: Doing more to actually solve problems than you ever will. Isn’t just an armchair commentator blindly repeating blogosphere clap. I don’t just love Jimmy Carter, I adore and respect him.
Wolfgang Puck: Soulless whore.
My life as a weekly advice columnist: Dang people! You got problems! Actually, it’s a lot of work but I enjoy it immensely.
The idea of me doing an advice column professionally: don’t even say the words to me. If you even think I would want to do something I loved professionally then you haven’t been paying attention. Turning something you love to do into a profession is a little like trading in your kids for cases of whiskey. Sure, whiskey is awesome but sooner or later you’re going to run out of whiskey and you’ll be left with a cirrhotic liver and living in a nursing home staff by your unwanted children. If you love something, don’t chain it down and suck the life out of it (unless this is an act in which all parties give informed adult consent).
Cereal YEAH!! billion!!!
Mushrooms the product of extraterrestrial anal rape on mollusks!!
I got more opinions but I have to shower and get ready for work and I almost started writing about how cute the dogs are and we all know quickly that devolves.
The Hard Times Cafe I love the Hard Times. This cash only, vegetarian diner to the masses consistently serves the most excellent and affordable food anywhere in town. I defy anyone to find a better combination of deliciosness, affordability and all around fascinating clientele. Everyone from D&D geeks to crabby old men to the unknown quantity, is present and they all mingle easily. Plus it seems that the chica behind the counter thinks little pink haired girlies are cute (David confirmed).
Also, 12,000 points for having THE BEST salsa in the entire area.
This American Life on TV: awesome but somehow not as fulfilling as the radio show. Also, a much more vivid reminder that Ira Glass is kind of a dick.