Dear Mr President

Dear Sir,
I understand that it’s important for the morale of the nation to see your goofy monkey face superimposed on the disasters of the day. I agree, nothing takes the edge off of pain and fear like a little monkey romping around for treats. It’s good, I’m glad you are paid well in the service of your country.
What perplexes the hell out of me is why your helicopters have to fly so damned low over my house. Granted, I live near the airport and air force base, so I am used to a certain level of air traffic noise, but nothing could have prepared me for a helicopter racing mere inches over my house (or at least it sounded like inches, it could have been feet). I know, I know, you’re not actually in charge of anything, you don’t really make the decisions, but damn! I don’t want to think about helicopters crashing at 9am on a Saturday!
Whatever happened to the silent unmarked helicopters I hear so much about? Why couldn’t you use one of those? Oh, right, only the people in power get to use those. Well, maybe ask Cheney if you could borrow it next time? maybe?
Also, why couldn’t you coordinate your visit to coincide with Laura’s? We had helicopters all over yesterday as well. I’m sure it doesn’t really matter when she shows up, they just polish her plasticene exterior, prop her up and hit the ‘ON’ button.
Actually, for what it cost to get you guys out here, we probably could have gotten some more cranes or heavy lifters. Think about that next time. We already have two zoos, you’re just adding to a collection we’ve deemed complete. We don’t need sound bites and sad eyes, hollow handshakes and empty promises.
There is more I would like to say, but I’m sure your basement level hoagieheads are already picking this up on their blippy screens. Pretty soon you’re find ‘evidence’ that I am building and stockpiling ‘WMDs’. Those aren’t biological weapons! They’re jars of jam!
Wait? What am I worried about? With the way you handle wars your guys would get in and my dogs would run circles around them. Of course I’d have to live with the dogs barking at your guys for five years or more, but it’s worth it.
I think.