I’m not always retarded
The other day I was at Target getting those boring things that you don’t care about but need (animal control febreeze, socks, underpants, condoms, scrubbing bubbles, clif bars). I was getting ready to go and decided to take a brief look around at the bras. I have an ample bosom. A really ample bosom. Big, pendulous boobs combined with really narrow shoulders is a problem that television is too ashamed of to talk about. I suffer in silence. Not really, i complain about it alot. The issue is that if you have heavy boobs and narrow shoulders, your boobs pull your bra and your brastraps cannot stay on your shoulders.
For years I had permanent indents on my upper arms from where my brastraps dug in. I would get giant granny bras with 5 hooks and huge padded straps and missile-like cups. It didn’t make a difference, the boobs would pull, the straps would fall and I looked like I was about to engage in some mutually assured destruction with my feet.
All this changed when I discovered the convertible bra. hhhwwwwaaaaaaaa the angels sang to me. A convertible bra is essentially a strapless bra that comes with straps. You can connect them in all manner of configurations or not connect them at all. Of course the very thought of me not using the straps has most major governments pulling out the Geneva Conventions and trying to find the section that applies to charging me with crimes against humanity. I take the straps and have them criss-cross across my back. They can’t fall down my shoulders because I’ve got physics on my side.
Okay, so the STYLE of bra is taken care of, but finding it in my size is sometimes an issue. The thing is, big titted women generally have bad luck with strapless bras because there’s really only so much you can reasonably expect from some fabric, a couple of underwires and fervent prayer. Technically the convertible bras are sold as strapless bras in lots of places. Also, it is assumed that if you have such an ample chest you are either buying your bras at Sex World or you are buying the aforementioned giant granny bras.
So, back to Target. There I am just wandering through, kind of envying my flat chested sisters and all the amazingly cute options they have when i spied GIANT CONVERTIBLE BRAS!!!!! They were big! and convertible! and available in various colors!!! I grabbed one and tried it on and again the angels sang to me (or it was the lady at the desk by the dressing room, i don’t know). It fit! The damned thing fit! The last time i bought a bra at Target it came in a box and reminded me of retirement homes and oatmeal.
I grabbed 4 of those fuckers.
As I was checking out the cashier stopped and looked perplexed. The first bra rang up at the $14.99 suggested retail price, but the other three rang up at $3.74. We were confused. The UPC codes were correct and the description in the computer was correct. We declared it a good day and she was going to go buy a bunch on her break. I would have gotten more, but I felt that karma had already gifted me big time both with finding the bras and with giving me 3 of them at a ridiculous discount. i decided to accept that moment as ‘good’ and not strain the universe.
I love my new bras! The old ones were purchased about a month after I met David, so they’re 2 1/2 years old. They’re tired and busted. The elastic was shot, the underwires were drilling into me like an amoral oil company in the wilds of Alaska, and my boobs were always trying to escape out the bottom of the cups. The new bras hold everything in place. The old bras got old slowly and gradually, I forgot what a new, functional bra felt like.
It kind of feels like it’s pushing your tits up to your chin.
Daily Archives: June 8, 2007
retarded
Why is it that my retarded moments always have so many steps and variables.
1) I can never remember the URL for adding a post to this site. It involves the IP address a ~ and lots of bins and mt’s and whatnot.
2) I can bookmark the link and I have
2a) it’s bookmarked on my work computer
2b) it WAS bookmarked on my currently incapacitated laptop
2c) it is not bookmarked on David’s computer because It’s David’s computer and even after almost 3 years I’m still all about “this is your computer, I shall not sully it”. Also, he is really meticulous about his computer and he has systems and whatnot and I’m not one to mess with things.
3) when i want to post from home, I have to use David’s computer because my laptop is currently (and for a few long months now) incapacitated
3a) Keith and I are going to work together and install the damned hard drive even though I have a fear of opening the damn thing because apparently they used tiny premature chinese orphan babies to construct the very tiny insides of the 12 inch powerbook. All of the instructions say things like “remove CAREFULLY” and “find the very small yellow tab”.
3b) If it doesn’t work out I’m just gonna yell ‘fuck it’ and buy a new MacBook Pro through work where I get a discount and interest free financing…except I’ve heard rumors that they are coming out with a 12 inch version and i will wait for that as I have freakishly small hands and I love the smaller laptop even if it means that I must import my own set of illegal chinese orphan babies to maintain the fucking thing. Also, I want the Pro simply because I like the silver and do not like the white and REALLY don’t like the black. i know that’s dumb.
4) David quite often cleans out the history in the browser when he goes through and tidies things up on the computer. This means that I must REMEMBER and actually TYPE OUT the websites I visit regularly instead of just lazily hitting the first letter and scrolling down until it appears on the list. I try to explain this to him. He is not sympathetic to my laziness.
5) Since I cannot remember the address for adding a post I have to seek it out.
6) to get the address I have to log into the control panel for my domain at the host and look at the stats (‘vet numbing lube’ is the number two search term bringing people to my site this month, it comes after ‘velvet-c’. god bless you people)
7) the address shows up under “connect to site from” in some form or another.
8) I am at David’s computer now and I was thinking of writing about my sudden obsession with the New York Times crossword puzzle but as I was trying to find the link I decided that writing about how I was working to find the link was more interesting.
9) maybe I just should have stuck to the crossword puzzle bit.
Birthday dinner
I’ve been super busy with work and the fiscal year switchover and also with the birthday so I will post bits and pieces. This is the thing I wrote elsewhere about my birthday dinner at Al Vento:
David took me to Al Vento for dinner. Very lovely Italian food. First we debated the wines. David likes very dry cabs and I prefer something less dry and more fruit forward (without being too sweet). The Sommelier recommended something, the name of which completely escapes me. I was skeptical on first try, but he assured me that as it sat, it would open up and it did.
Question, you know when they open the bottle and pour a little and you try it? What’s the protocol for saying “actually, I do not want this. It tastes bad!” That didn’t happen last night but it happened once before. The wine wasn’t recommended, we picked it out so I figured I couldn’t tell them we didn’t want it, they’d already opened it and yet they had me try a little to see if I liked it. I’m not a ‘wine person’ per se, i know the stuff I like (sangiovese, tempranillo) but I’m not like “oh the 97 Spongebob Estates Parnouti varietal is really coming into its own this year!”
Anyway, back to the food.
We started with an appetizer of white nectarines wrapped in prosciutto rustica and drizzled with a balsamic reduction. What impressed me the most was that they didn’t go all overboard with the drizzling, making stupid designs on the plate and using too much balsamic. The dish was perfectly balanced. The nectarines were sweet and a little tart, and the pieces were rather large. At first I thought they were too large, but it was the right size to counterpoint the saltiness of the prosciutto. Prosciutto rustica is a little more ‘meaty’ than regular prosciutto, it has more texture. Every few bites you would get a little balsamic reduction, syrupy and sweet with a not over powering tang to it. It was almost cleansing.
For entrees David got the spaghetti with garlic and something something. They used whole cloves of garlic in the sauce. He seemed to enjoy it but I think he wished there was more.
I ordered the lambchops which I had grilled to medium rare. They came on a bed of sauteed mustard greens which were absolutely divine. On first bite yuo picked up the smokiness from the lamb, then garlic, a touch of vinegar, a little mint and finally the bitter green. I cannot put to words how much I adored those greens. David was trying to steal them from me. The plate also came with parmesan crisps and lightly herbed goat cheese.
Whenever the waitress came over she apologized profusely for abandoning us, but we didn’t feel abandoned. It’s nice to have a meal without someone stopping by every few minutes to bug you. Besides, there were no less than 3 other people who were constantly and silently whisking in the clear plates, fill water and wine glasses and at one point, replace silverware (???). She apologized and offered up free dessert. Awesome!
I ordered the creme brulee sampler, vanilla bean, chocolate espresso and pistachio. David swear the vanilla was excellent, full of vanilla flavor but I started with the pistachio and worked my way around and after 2 very strongly flavored custards, my mouth just couldn’t pick up subtlety. Either way, they were velvety smooth and light and they didn’t use a metric buttload of sugar to make the crust. I hate a super thick crust on creme brulee, I’m a fan of subtlety. Obviously.
Then we went home and watched Sarah Silverman “Jesus is Magic” and that sucked donkey balls. I mean maybe it would be good to someone who had never heard a shocking thing in their life but you know… oh, I don’t know, it sucked balls.