Merry Christmas to…you

I’ve always been a big fan of keeping a few generic gifts tucked away in the closet in case of an emergency…
“Wait.. it’s your birthday??? Didn’t you have a birthday last year, mom?”
I don’t have keening piles of ‘estate sale’ detritus accumulating in the corners. I don’t clear entire shelves at the dollar store. I don’t have hand made crafts. Usually, I keep a few vases on hand and for the slightly more interesting people, those decorative wine bottle gift box tube things that I can put a bottle straight off my wine rack into. I am decently prepared.
Last night, as we were finishing up the last of our shopping, we ended up at SexWorld. We went to pick up something specific for a good friend (I won’t mention what it was as he hasn’t opened it yet), but in browsing we came across a couple of things that could not possibly be left behind and yet we did not want or need them ourselves, nor did we know who to give them to. There are two items:
First off, we have the ‘Official Metal Handcuffs’, in red. Everyone needs handcuffs, I’m just not sure who yet. These seem very nice, very real, heavy and all. They tout the slogan “with passive restraint your lover will beg for more”. Seems promising if you ask me. Since I already have an entire physical restraint system set up, handcuffs seem redundant.
Less practical and more horrifying is the Boy Toy Brand Vibrating novelty..well..vibrator! There was a series of 3 novelty vibrators (in this line, I mean the store was packed full of vibrators, novelty and otherwise). These are ‘pocket rocket’ size vibes with elongated heads, little man bodies and thematically appropriate, removable hats. The first was a little French chef named ‘Chef Frenchie’. The second was a jolly Beefeater-style palace guard amusingly named ‘Pvt Private’. The one I purchased wasn’t amusing or erotic, it was purely horrifying. I have in my possession one Vibo the Clown. Yes, people, I now own a vibrating clown with dead cross eyes and a carousel tattooed on his head. This is the perfect gift for someone, I just don’t know who yet. For Christ’s sake, it’s an erotic toy made up to look like the antithesis of erotic. It is everything that is wrong with popular culture in America.
Keep checking under your trees, people, Santa might be extra nice to you this year!