It seems to me that if you are going to call somewhere for information you should be prepared to receive this information, perhaps by having on hand devices with which to record that information. My suggestions would include a writing utensil (crayon, pen, pencil, bloody finger) and a writing receptacle (paper, your bare leg, kitchen counter covered in flour, steamy mirror). This information-gathering advice is especially important if you are calling someone about a job listing. I am tempted to tell all of the people who call about job openings and are not prepared to write down the information that I give them that the job is filled.
On a related note, if you only have 2 things to do today, get stoned, and call me, please make sure you call me first then get stoned later. Call me early if you need to, I will be quick and allow you to get on with your day as planned.

On an interesting side note, I can fellate my remote control. How did I come to discover this fascinating talent? Who cares!?! The better question is, ‘What does your remote taste like?’. Well let me tell you, it tastes like many hours wasted on my couch watching drivel, it tastes like evenings spent with good friends laughing, it tastes like bad tv and better movies, it tastes like my cats, it tastes like a quiet evening.

Though I was thoroughly tempted, I fought the deep-down urge to watch the broadcast of the International Special Olympics. I know that the Special Olympics is a wonderful organization bringing valuable lessons and fun to those who need them most. But goddammit, I am pure evil and I can’t help but find this too amusing. So in an effort to hold off the inevitable lightening bolt for another day I moved on to something more healthy. I watched hour upon hour of ‘The Joker’s Wild’ on Game Show network.