Dear Spoober,
I know you have a crush on me. Don’t worry, I will not be mad. Just remember, Spud, I am your friend.
Love
h

“If I dig the pit myself, can i get a Tapir?” I asked, hoping against hope for a positive response.
She looked at me with disbelief and declared it to be the most bizarre thing said all week.
Prospects seem slim at this point but I will keep you posted.

Why can’t I be Herbert Kornfeld?