This is something I wrote in an older Auntie BubboPants column that I don’t think I ended up posting here. It’s just a portion of the column, but I think it’s relevant:
On the subject of depression and the reasons one might or might not have for experiencing it:
As a society we often mistake the emotion ‘sadness’ with the mental state ‘depressed’, we even use them interchangeably. Sadness is an emotion, it is a reaction to stimulus. Sadness can be a symptom of depression, but it does not have to be. Depression is a state of mental being, it is more physical than emotional but it often expresses itself emotionally. To be more precise, the outward expressions of depression tend to be more emotional than physical. This makes it far too easy to equate depression with emotions and forget the very real physical changes that lie behind the situation.
It’s easy to look at a person who lost something dear to them and say “it makes sense that they are sad”. It’s much harder to look at a person, see the wild vagaries of hormonal imbalances hidden away inside and say, “it makes sense that you are depressed”. Instead we see the outward manifestation of emotions, sadness, hopelessness, anger, and we say “this makes no sense! you have no reason to be sad! or hopeless! or angry! Go put your pants on and get outside! Suck it up, chica!”
We are visual creatures, we need to see things in order to understand them, but more importantly, we are experiential creatures. We learn by experience and then we create rich and varied databases of information and understanding based on our experiences. We also have amazingly advanced frontal lobes on our brains that allow us to simulate situations based on input AND our experience related databases. What the hell does that mean? It means that we can look at someone who is sad and pull in all the data about their situation and then pull in data from similar experiences we have had and run simulations to better understand what’s going on.
Claire is sad. I will look at Claire and talk to her and determine that she is sad, her boyfriend did not like the pie she made! I will pull that data in and then I will add my own experiences: I have also made things people did not like. I have also been sad. I have direct connections in my own experiences between being sad and people not liking things that I have offered.
Result: Claire’s sadness makes sense to me. I can relate.
or
Jim is hopeless. Jim just got a new car and has a nice butt. I have felt hopeless. I have also gotten a new car, but I’ve never really had a nice butt. I have never felt hopeless after getting a new car. If I run a simulation of me having a nice butt I cannot come to the conclusion that I would feel hopeless.
Result: Jim’s hopelessness does not make sense to me. I cannot relate.
The flaw in the simulation is that we do not take into account the relevant factors. We’re feeding the wrong data into the brain simulators and therefore the results can only be incomplete at best.
History and literature and anecdotes are FILLED with stories of those people struck hard by fate who just ‘kept going’ despite it all. Bad parents, industrial accidents, malevolent societies, none of that could bring the hero down. On the other hand, there are an equal number of historical and literary figures that seemed to “have it all” and yet still could not find comfort or happiness.
To make matters worse, many societies see this sort of disparity as a form of moral failure. If you have been ‘blessed’ with such favor and still you are sad it can only mean you do not fully appreciate it and are ungrateful.
Clinical depression is one of those things that even the experts don’t have a firm grasp on. It’s slippery and confusing and amazingly inconsistent from person to person. It can stem from experiences or childhood traumas or not. Some people are helped by talk therapy, others by SSRIs, and some people struggle for years and never find solace.
I write all this because it is an issue that cuts close to the bone with me. I have an amazingly excellent life. I have a boyfriend that loves me and is patient and kind to me. I have a wonderful, loving and supportive family. I have two great dogs, one of which contributes to this very column. I am blessed with wonderful friends, people say I am smart and funny and I like to think that is true. On the other hand, the biological family I grew up in until I was an early teen was terrifying and unbearable. I carry the scars both physically and emotionally from that. I have struggled my entire life with depression, at times it has been crippling. Some people have said, “well, it makes sense that you would be depressed considering your childhood” and other have said, “but that’s over and done. You need to focus on the now and stop wallowing”
The answer is somewhere between those two statements and it exists independent of them as well.
September Mislaid
Halfway through October I come to you to talk of September. September. I almost lost September.
It started in June. The signs should have been obvious, but they passed me by. There was my birthday and I refused all attempts at a party. I love a good party. I loved a good party. In June I would have none of it. Whatever tenuous grip I had on normalcy was lost in June and I spent the summer spiraling deeper and deeper.
I was drowning and I could feel it and my few attempts to kick up to the surface were feeble distractions at best. Then came September. The spiraling stopped, I settled onto the bottom and I found comfort there.
I could feel it, that growing complacency, that urge to let go the final lungful of air. But I am lucky, very lucky. That part of my brain that never fucking shuts up, that part of my brain that will not let me rest, the part of my brain that eats at me would not stop screaming. It woke me up, reminded me that this was wrong. That I have an obligation to those around me.
So, one afternoon, alone in my bedroom, I composed the email. I had been sending out occasional updates to friends and family, a way to let them know that my lack of communication came from a real issue, but hey, everything was going to be okay. Right? This was not that email. I chose a tighter circle of recipients and I wrote. It was the hardest thing I had done in a very long time. This was the nakedly honest email, this was me revealing my shame. This was not the “Hi, I have problems, let me tell you a joke and don’t worry, I will be okay” this was the far more humiliating, “hi, i have problems and there is no joke to be had and I am not going to be okay.”
I struggled and fought in that email, I could not find the words. My words are me, they are the tiny building blocks with which I build the representations of all that I am. For the past year the words were not correct. I was failing myself with unintentional misdirection. I found it was almost impossible for me to craft sentences or paragraphs that built a picture that asked for help. Over and over the words that came out expressed the state I was in but hurriedly also created a framework of comfort for the reader. “Do not worry” it was like I could not control my fingers and it was all I could type.
It took amazing effort but I managed to send out the truest email I could. Help me. My ship is sinking. I am not okay. Worry about me.
I hate being helpless. I am the one that helps. It is my job. I help. It is my soul and my function and my core. How can I ask for help? Do I even deserve to burden those around me with such requests? It’s one thing to be overwhelmingly depressed but it is quite another to hit that stage of acceptance.
Acceptance. No more depression, no more sadness, no more overwhelming struggles. You hit the stage of acceptance and you’re done. Your life is laid out before you, all things are clear and you accept them, you say thank you, and you check out. I knew how close I was to acceptance and I knew that once I fell into it, it would be a matter of days before I parked my car at the end of the Ford Bridge and said “Thank you” for the time I was allotted.
I could not let that happen. I wanted to, oh believe me, I did want to, but that part of my brain that never lets me rest, oh she did scream at me. I could not rest until I asked for help.
The response was overwhelming and now I am able to write this. The honesty is scary, but the reality was scarier.
I am not “better”, not by a long shot. I do not feel “better”. Everyday I struggle because every single day I know that “Acceptance” is still just around the corner.
I have a therapist now, someone who understands me better than the last one did. It gives me hope, it sheds some light in the tunnel so I can find my way forward. I have the support of my friends and family, each one contributing valuable pieces to the puzzle. I have David, my immensely patient David. He should have run long ago, but there he is. He loves me.
I write this not for sympathy or to be all “emo”. I write this to put an honest face on something so stigmatized. I write this so that you might see that even those that seem “okay” can struggle and fall. I didn’t have to write this. It would have been as easy to write something from Chester or share a recipe or rant on about politics. Those are comfortable masks for me. Those words come fast and cheap for me. These words that I wrote are true work.
I am not better, I am still broken. I do not want to give the impression that with a few giant steps the world will become an easier place. Life is not a sitcom, so easily wrapped up after a wacky struggle. I am honest about this because I know there are so many others out there, stigmatized and struck silent by this insidious disease and I do not want to lead them astray. More importantly, I do not want them to see a miracle where there is none. There will be no false portrayal of a cure, no sharing of an easy fix that does not exist. There is nothing easy about swimming your way back to the surface, but that doesn’t mean you can’t try.
hi HI hhihihihiii!
Hi hi hi HI HI HI hihihihi!!! HI!! Oh my GOD HI!!!!
Hi!
My name is Chester and I am The dog that is the dog that is the lady’s dog! But also the lady has a dog that is Maddie! This is true. But I am not Maddie! NO! Maddie is a doofus and I am handsome, and that makes me Chester!
You can tell that I am Chester because I am so handsome and Maddie is standing there like a doofus hippohead
Okay! SO! Something very very sad happened! This is true. Sad! My name is Chester and I am a good boy. This is true! But something happened this week that was not a thing that a good boy should do and I got very sad and scared. Maddie and me and the lady were playing “Captain RoundyButt’s good time Harfuffle Festival” on Monday and the lady did the thing that was knock me down and that is not sad because sometimes the games we play are of knocking down. But when she knocked me down I said a thing that was “grubble grubble” and Maddie got very upset because she does not like when the lady gets grubbled at. But then I got scared! I had scarednesses because when I was a very little I lived with dogs that were very big and mean to me and my brother Archie (who now lives with other people who do not do meannesses to him like the lady and the man do not do meannesses to me!). But I had so many scarednesses that I did snapteeth at Maddie and she get more upset because she knows you cannot do snapteeth by the lady and she tried to make me stop! and I got more scarednesses and she got more upsets.
and I bit her and I bit the lady!! I had to hide under the bed because I was so sad and scared and upset. and the lady kept doing the thing that was tell me to come out and get a treat but I did not do the thing that was believe her because I knew the thing that was that she was going to put me in the garbage can!
There were so many upsets and Maddie had to go away for a whole day and when she came back she had strings on her face and she was tired and sad and the lady had 14 worries and the man was very quiet. But the thing that is true is that I did not get put in the garbage can! The lady did not have any madnesses at me at all! She hugged me and told me I was still her little MonkeyMan and 12munts-chickenpunts.
But then…she gave me a bath.
And today she said the thing that was I’d better start doing the thing that was working off the thing that was called a vet bill! I have too many scarednesses of the vacuum and I am too short to reach the thing that is the sink and I don’t have thumbs so I can’t do a thing that is broom the floor! So I have to do this thing that is answer the questions again!
***
Hi Chester,
My name is Koa and I’m a 1 year old Yellow Labrador Retreiver. I love my person very much but feel a little sad when she knits too much. Some days she gets home from work and I’m SOOOO excited to be with her. She takes me for a bit of a walk -glorious, then sits on the couch (Where I’m NOT allowed) with her hands busy knitting. Can you believe it?! I can’t even make eye contact with her, she pushes me away when I nudge her elbow and lick her hands. She won’t let me help her by holding the ball of wool in my mouth. Finally I sigh dramatically and lie down on her legs. She thinks she can make it up to me by rubbing my tummy with her feet. Yeah right! That’s just not good enough! What do you do when this happens Chester?
Sincerely,
GIVE ME MORE!
HI HI HI hi hiHIHIhi!
Oh my god! you are not allowed on the couch?? That is 12 terrible sadnesses! this is a thing that I know because I am allowed on the couch (except the lady calls it a sofa because she is a doofus)! Are you allowed on the thing that is the bed? I am allowed on the bed and I would have so many sadnesses if I could not go on the bed!
The lady does the thing that is crochet which I think is like the thing that is knitting except is the thing the lady does.
But you are 1 years old! that is a thing that is still a little! You are a little! Littles have importances that are play times. I am 3 years old and not a little but still I have importances that are play times! I have to go to the place that is the Dog Park and I have to do RUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUN!!!! and CHASE CHASE and sometimes I have to do ROLL ROLL ROLL on things that have gooooood smells! This is true!
You need this too. Do you want to know the thing that is the thing that I do? I do the thing that is be crazytimes! I grubblerun around the house, I jump on the lady, I BARK BARK BARK!!! and finally the lady says the thing that is “that’s it, I’m taking you to the place that is the dog park and running you to the thing that is exhausted!” and I get to go to the dog park! and you should too!.
***
dear chester,
how did you get to be so smart? i know you are smart cause you know stuffs and you are chester. did you eat the smart pills from taipei bunny’s cage? how do get to be as smart as you?
not as smart as chester
HIHI HIhihiHIH HIHIIhIHIH
Smartnesses! I have the things that are smartnesses! I remember taipei bunny! and the smartnesses! But I don’t know about where the smartnesses cam from! The lady says it is because I am Rat Terrier and that I like to do the thing that is solve problems, but also the lady says the Beagle of me tempers the smartnesses. But she also says the thing that smartnesses are the thing that is creepy! But I don’t know about that because I am only Chester!
***
Dear Chester,
I am a cat named Giacomo (after Giacomo Casanova) and I am the prettiest cat in the world. I live in an apartment with my cat friend Winky and a lady. I have a small problem. When I was little, I used to like to hump things, but before I went to live with the lady, they took me to the vet and “fixed me”. Then I stopped wanting to hump things.
Well, my friend Winky still likes to hump things! Including me! But I know he has been “fixed” too, because I sniffed his butt, and it smells fixed. I am the boss kitty, and I don’t like being humped all of the time! It is simply undignified. When the lady is home, sometimes she makes him stop..but the lady isn’t home all of the time. How do I make Winky stop humping me?
Giacomo.
HI HI HIHIHI hihihiHIHIhihi!
HA HA HA CATS ARE THE THING THAT IS FUNNY!
Humpcats are SO FUNNY!!! Hahahaha!! Oh my god! I should tell the dogs at the place that is the dog park about humpcats! I bet they would think it was funnier than my other jokes! Like my joke about how the man picks UP my poop. OH MY GOD the dogs laugh so much when I say that one.
HUMPCATS!!
HA HA HA HA!!!!
Sometimes I like to do the thing that is hump maddie even though the vet did the thing that was make me fixed but I know that Maddie is the thing that is the boss of the pets (and the lady is the boss of us) but I like to do humps on Maddie and Maddie does the thing that is knock me down. and we play a game and run and she does the thing that is knock me down.
You should knock down the Winky!
HUMPCATS!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!
***
Dear Chester
My name is Beans, and my sister (Buster) and I are Fox Terriers. Our favourite pass-time is chasing things. Last weekend a very small kitten (maybe 8 human weeks old?) was tottering along our fence and invaded (fell into) our yard. My sister and I immediately gave chance, and my human screamed a lot and called for her husband.
Much chasing ensued, and eventually I pinned down the kitten. Turns out they are very sharp and I couldn’t really get very close to it before my human snatched away the kitty, and her husband snatched away me. Buster was still yapping and running around their feet.
The kitten was scared (for some reason) and tried to get away from my human by biting her very hard on the finger and on her arm (as I said – turns out they are very sharp). My human got to the fence and put the kitty over, despite suffering lots of bites.
Buster and I continued to run around madly yapping in the yard (while my human sat gibbering in a bleeding mess) until we got locked in the house. It was an exciting event and my human has some nice bruises and had to get some shots from the human vet.
Since then Buster and I have been doing lots of kitty border patrols shifts along the fence line and making sure we do extra barks just in case the kitty is thinking about coming back for round two.
But here’s the problem – even though I would normally bark madly at anything from a bird to an imaginary bird, my human jumps and panics every time I bark because she thinks the kitten is back.
Should I bark less until my human has healed both mentally and physically (they are pretty good bruises and scratch marks)? Or is keeping the border safe from kitten invasions more important?
Sending you lots of woofs and licks,
Beans
HIHIHhihihIHIHI
Hi Beans!
Oh my god! The scarednesses! I know about the scarednesses! The scarednesses are a thing that are funny but not funny like poop jokes but funny like weird. I used to have scarednesses when I was a little because of biggers that were mean to me. But now there are no biggers that are mean to me, only nice, but still I have scarednesses sometimes. Is a thing that happens. The lady says the thing that is the brain does the things that are associations of things from times of scarednesses so that when they happen again the brain can tell the body to run away from the thing making the scary! this is a thing she says that makes it okay to survive. But she said that sometimes the brain does the job too good.
You did the thing that was BARKBARKBARK at the little and that is the thing that you do. and the lady did the thing that was rescue the little because it is the thing she does. and the little did the thing that was be afraid and do the defendings because that is what littles do! and now the ladys brain did the thing that says “if the dog does the thing that is BARKBARKBARK then a little will do painfuls on me and I will bleed and be sad!”
You should not do the thing that is BARKBARKBARK so much! HA HA HA!! I say this!! HA HA HA!! but the lady tells me not to bark so much but every day the MAILMAN!! OH MY GOD!!! THE MAILMAN!!! the mailman HE COMES TO MY HOUSE!!! and I hat ethe mailman SO MUCH!!!!! and I do not just do the thing that is barking at him but I am the YELLING I HATE YOU MAILMAN I HATE YOU SO MUCH!!!!
STUPID MAILMAN!
***
Hey Chester,
Do you like to play games? Does your lady play games with you? My bestest game is fetch. My mister finds a hair doody that my sister leaves laying all around and flips it in the air, or across the room, or anywhere, sometimes even under the cold food box thingy. it is hard to dig it out from there. Then I, smart cat that I am, fetch it! it is lots of fun.I bring it back to the mister and drop it so he can flip it again and again and again. I never get tired. What kinds of games do you play with your lady?
Skitz
PS My lady loves to read about Chester.
HIBIHHIHIhihiHIHI
HI
I love to play games!! The lady likes to play a game called Captain RoundyButt where she tries to do the thing that is pinch my butt! But the thing that is the game is that she does the thing that is go SO SLOW to the place that is my RoundyButt that I am made CRAZY!! and I am so crazy that I fall down and roll on my back and go HOWFHOWFHOWF and still she goes SO SLOW to my RoundyButt and I can’t STAND IT and I jump up and run around and around and then I come back BUT THEN!!! SHe goes SO SLOW at my butt!!! and I fall down again!!!
We also play the game of JUMPRUN!! Where the lady stands very still and she does the thing that is ignore me for a long time and then I do the thing that is believe she does not pay any attentions but then she JUMPS and YELLS and I am the thing that is SO SURPRISED that I run is a GIANT CIRCLE but my butt runs faster that my body and gets under me!
Also the lady does a thing where she puts a treat somewhere and I have to find it and get it. this is a game with many hardnesses to it because sometimes it is not easy to know the way to get the treat and sometimes I will try one way to get the treat but it won’t work and I have to do a thing that is try a different way! The lady says this is a good kind of game for me because it does the exercisements of my brains. She says I have many brains and I get the thing that is all looped up if I don’t do brain things.
Maddie doesn’t do brain things for games. The lady says that Maddie has other jobs in her brain. Maddie is a doofus! The only thing in her brains are the things that are “Keep the lady safe” and “Is the lady safe?” and sometimes “harfuffle!”
***
Okay! Goodbye is the thing now! Because I am Chester and I have some tirednesses. The lady says this is enough of the workings for me today but tomorrow I will have to do the workings that are wash her car!!
Dear Auntie BubboPants
Ahoy mateys, it’s that time again.
Well, as some of you may have heard, the house we were all excited about was a bust. poo. The “newer roof” was actually an incorrectly installed roof that was and is continually channeling water into the exterior walls. The problems had not been evident as it had been a pretty dry summer. But then it rained…and rained and rained and rained and there it was, water every where. And so, we keep looking.
As for the trip to Madeline Island, it was wonderful. We could not have picked a nicer time to be there, the weather was perfect, there was much to do and see and there was also much time for relaxing and pretending the world did not exist. The dogs had a great time running around chasing geese, playing with other dogs at the beach and Chester went canoeing twice.
So let’s see what’s on the plate this week…
***
Dear Auntie BubboPants,
I just got engaged and I’m super excited! We’re still in the beginning stages of planning, but I’ve already hit a sensitive issue (I’m sure it won’t be the first).
You see, the problem is with my best friend. We’ve talked about wedding plans before and I’ve always said I only want my sister to be a bridesmaid. I love the idea of just having one attendant and it works perfectly because my fiancé will only have a best man.
My best friend always seems happy with my decision until just a couple weeks ago. Now she seems a little sad that I do not want her to be a bridesmaid. I love her dearly and want her to feel included. Do you have any advice on how I could make her feel like part of my plans without adding her to the wedding party?
Signing,
Already Stressed-out Bride
Dear ASoB,
Ah weddings! weddings! I have opinions about weddings! Let’s talk about weddings and traditions and people and personalities and maybe have some cake when it is all over.
What is a wedding ceremony? I mean at its most basic level, what is it? It’s a public declaration between two people entering into a contract of personal obligation with one another. Simple. So you take this foundation and you add things to it. You outline the expectations and the rules (no cheating, you still have to like me when my butt is fat). You connect it to faith and belief in order to make the bond even stronger.
Then there is tradition. Where do we get all these traditions? Most traditions are symbolic, they represent belief or emotions or intent, they express a state of being (white dress – purity) etc. But where do they come from. As with most traditions they come from those that came before us. We look to previous generations, find people that embody ideals that we respect and look up to and we try to emulate them. Now, I’ve heard no less that 10billion completely different and contradictory legends regarding the advent of the bridal party or the term “honeymoon” or white = purity or the symbolism of the wedding rings or whatever. But what all of it boils down to is that it started SOMEWHERE and was repeated to the point of being expected. We engage in these actions without understanding their meaning. They become independent of their roots and evolve into something else.
And then, a few generations later, everyone has an opinion about what you need to do to do it “right” or “correctly” and nobody stops to consider the very basis of the ceremony: a public declaration of two people entering into a contract of personal obligation with one another. My advice to every single person getting married and getting stressed out is to stop everything and take a moment to ponder on this. Really stop to think about the point of the wedding ceremony and through that, find some clarity.
But here’s the thing with weddings, they are huge envymakers! Here’s this couple, two people who have found love which is enough to cause envy (and unfortunately, a lot of jealousy as well), and on top of all that love, they get to have an entire afternoon or weekend or week devoted to THEM and people paying attention to THEM! and they get to be the center of all the attention and everyone will be looking at them! It’s a powerful thing! It draws the most unexpected responses from people you’ve known for years. Subconsciously, and without even realizing it, your friends and family will start turning into those people who compulsively stand behind reporters on the street and make faces into the camera. Or think of it another way, you know when you know someone who becomes famous and you are able to say, “oh yeah! I totally know her!” and you get that attention from the people who like the famous person but can’t get to them? You get your own little slice of the spotlight.
Your friend wants her own slice of the spotlight. She probably has no idea that’s what’s going on, she probably just wants to be part of your special day because she loves you, but like I said, weddings do nutty things to people.
If it is important to you that you only have your sister as your attendant, then stick to your guns. On the other hand, if fighting this will cause you and your beloved to lose sight of what is really important (focusing on each other and committing to each other) then find a way to roll with it. Basically, what you have to do is make sure that every decision you make about your ceremony does not fall away that very central idea.
Now, your friend can participate in so many ways without being up at the altar with you. I think the one role that will garner her the most spotlight attention without her being up there is to have her plan and throw the shower or bachelorette party (or whatever variation on that theme you choose, there’s just as much blind tradition with those as there is with weddings). And certainly you need someone to go dress shopping with you, as well as cake tasting, flower buying, seating diagramming and all that. There are 14,000 ways in which a person can be involved without being up front at that crucial moment.
And remember, a real friend is going to respect your decisions and understand that this is YOUR day, not hers.
***
Dear Auntie BubboPants,
How does one know one’s sexuality? I have a wonderful boyfriend of 2+ years that I love and whose bones I very much enjoy jumping, but I find myself casting longing glances at girls from time to time. For example, today I was browsing patterns and came across the Rav profile page of an extremely cute lesbian knitter, and I was seriously tempted to send her a message. I also had a huge crush on a female friend of mine (straight-I think) off and on for several years. I am happy with my boyfriend and our relationship, but I still find myself lusting after girls, and fantasizing about having an affair with one.
I want to settle this in myself so that I am no longer experiencing this dilemma-and I want to do it without leaving my guy. Should I just begin a secret flirtation/hook-up with a girl just to get it out of my system? (Although I’m not sure how I would meet someone to have that with) Or am I just driving myself crazy for no good reason, and should I just forget the whole thing and be content with having a good man? I have never even had a good friendship with another female, so dating one is probably out of my reach, eh? What is going on with me, and what do I do?
Signed,
-To be or not to be (gay)
Dear Tbontb(g),
When I was in first or second grade we had a series of lessons that boiled down to “it’s not what’s on the outside that matters, it’s what’s on the inside that counts”. Basically, we learned that things like race and gender and heir color or whatever didn’t matter. We were to look inside a person and look at their personalities. This caused me much consternation. Up to that point it had not ever occurred to me that gender or race were things that WOULD make a difference, but if they were telling us this then there much be a reason and I started observing things. Race relations were hard to observe in semi-rural 1970’s Minnesota, but I had television and I think I drove my parents batty trying to determine the difference between ‘black’ and ‘white’ and ‘how come they look more brown than black and why am I pinkish and is Dionne Warwick ‘black’? or ‘brown’? or something completely new, ‘TAN’????’
And then there was gender. I’d never considered the possibility that someone might think i could not do something because I was a girl. This was odd. Of course I was really only beginning to have a real understanding of what it meant to be ‘girl’ or ‘boy’ beyond that each of us kids seemed to fall into one category or the other.
But there it was, laid out on my worksheet in black and white and crayon (must have been first grade), gender relations! That was the first moment I realized that I’d only seen men and women married. That did seem odd. I swear to god if you were in that classroom you could have heard the gears clicking in my head! If it doesn’t matter what is on the outside then wouldn’t it make sense that girls might marry girls and boys might marry boys as often and girls married boys? click click click whirrrrr clunk!
That afternoon I learned not to ask those questions a second time.
But anyway, as I grew up the questions still plagued me and as i came into my sexual development I found that I was as attracted to girls as I was to boys. Society being what it is, I knew to keep things quiet on that front, but also I did go through a LOT of questioning and wondering and worrying and self-anger and finally true acceptance when I was about 19.
How did I know for sure? Lots and lots and lots of time spent thinking and pondering, questioning my assumptions and motives, double checking my rationales.
So what should you do? Most importantly I want to make clear to you that I will not give you or anyone else permission to have a secret hook up, no matter your intent. Period. You will only cause more trouble than you will solve. Instead I want you to rethink your ideas about expressing your sexuality. Bisexuality is not about fence-sitting, indecision or greed (wanting sex with multiple people to fulfill both ‘needs’). Being bisexual means that a person’s gender plays less of a role in finding a mate than it would in hetero- or homo- sexuality. This is not to say that gender doesn’t make a difference. I’m 36, I have experience with both genders and I can tell you with absolute certainty that dating men is very different than dating women, but you learn to love and cherish those differences in the same way you would accept the differences between say your first boyfriend and your third boyfriend.
I know you want to ‘find out’ and ‘settle this’ but cheating on your boyfriend, regardless of your inner justifications, will poison your relationship (and frankly, all it will do is feed the misconception that bisexuals always cheat).
On the other hand, perhaps after a talk with your boyfriend, you both can agree on a situation in which you go out and explore this part of yourself. There are a million things that need to be considered before you enter into this. I don’t have the space to hit them all here, but feel free to write again if that comes up.
So, lets say you find yourself single and ready to meet a lady. What are to Dos and Don’ts here? Be honest. Be very very very honest. Make sure that any lady you attempt to date understands that you are CURIOUS about your sexuality, that you have questions and you are still in a phase of self discovery. Like in any dating situation, it is never awesome to invest time and emotion into a situation that ends with “oh, yeah, you were an experiment but I guess i was wrong”. There is a definite population in th gay community that has been burned by the ‘bi-curious’. Secondly, be honest with yourself. Don’t force yourself to stay in a situation that makes you uncomfortable simply because you think you should or you feel obligated. Thirdly, run RUN in the opposite direction of anyone who claims that they can “change you” or make you never want a guy again or whatever. Nothing good comes from someone who thinks they hold such amazing powers as to crystallize another’s sexuality (though, to be honest, I have gone on dates with a couple people that made me never ever want to play that side of the fence ever again).
And lastly, know this, sometimes during the maturing phase of female sexuality things become very elastic. Evolutionarily speaking, sex for females has a lot more to do with emotional comfort and stability and being attracted to and having sex with other women can help fulfill those needs in an entirely non-threatening way. It is sometimes derisively looked down upon as “college lesbianism” which is too bad because it is a very logical expansion of a natural urge.
***
Dear Auntie BubboPants,
I was in a 7 year relationship that ended about 2 weeks ago. This is upsetting and sad, but I’m dealing with it.
What I’m actually writing you about is that today I got an instant message from a guy I’ve known for a few years (my former S.O. and I actually lived with him for a couple of those years, moving out a year ago) and am friends with, but not very close. He sent the IM to proposition me for casual sex. To paraphrase, he said “We’re both single and adults, how about some casual sex? I’m not being weird, I haven’t been pining at you from afar. How about it?”
It really, really bothered me. I have no interest in sleeping with him. Partly because of the selfish, dickish way he behaved when my former S.O. and I stopped living with him which really damaged my trust in him (he acted like we were maliciously creating a huge financial problem for him, when we just about handed him a new roommate on a silver platter), and partly because he is not to my taste, and largely because the last thing I want right now is to sleep with someone who isn’t completely and totally into me.
It’s really hard for me to not interpret his message as “I’m not really attracted to you, but I’m self-centered and horny… so do you wanna fk me?”
I replied to him with “I’m not into casual sex.”
So now I’m all surprised and offended and grossed out. I feel like I’m over reacting, but I don’t know how to change my reaction. I have a lot of group social activities with this guy and have been working to not still be irritated over the way he acted during the moving out thing a year ago.
I don’t want another reason to be irritated with him, and I’m pretty sure he has no clue what a can of worms he opened. What should I do? Am I over reacting?
Signed,
Not Rebounding into That
Dear NRiT,
You did exactly what was right for you, you have no reason to change your reaction. Period.
***
Steel
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.
Ambrose Redmoon