Category Archives: Opinion

Dear Auntie BubboPants

By

First published July 27 2009, TWiR on Ravelry.com.
This week I’m doing things a little differently. I received what could possibly be considered the LONGEST MESSAGE EVER and attempts to edit it for length have failed me. This week’s column will feature a single letter broken down into pieces and responded to as such. Normally I would focus on the letter as a whole but there are so many situations here that deserve to be addressed individually before they are tied together.
So let’s do this like Brutus, people…

***

Dear Auntie Bubbopants,
I think I might be on the verge of being a wiener, and possibly a jerkwalter and lately I have definitely been acting like what Chester would call “a little”.
I only got turned onto your column last week but I’ve gone back now and read all the archives and I know I can count on you to tell it like it is and to tell me I’m being a weenus if that IS what I’m being.
So here goes…
I’m in my mid-twenties and my husband is in his mid-thirties. We’ll call my husband Dieter. We’ve been married for 5 years and together for 7. We met on the internet and our relationship just took off like a rocket. Everything was ‘right’ and I knew really early on that he was ‘the one’ that we would get married and live happily ever after. Except I was quite young and I don’t think anyone had ever told me that even when you’re with the right person it is not always happily ever after. Sometimes it’s lovely and sometimes it’s grumbling over why he never shuts the napkin drawer when he sets the table and why I sometimes scream in my sleep for no reason. And sometimes it’s terrible sometimes it’s fighting and I hate you and I should never have married you and you make me sick (from him) and a lot of crying and if you loved me you wouldn’t say those things and I gave up my entire life to be with you how could you do this to me (from me).
As a bit of background I had an abusive and very controlling childhood (my mother being the perpetrator of this abuse) and as you’ve touched on in past columns this has created a lot of problems for me in my adult life. BUT since I’ve been seeing someone for counselling I’m slowly becoming better able to handle myself to avoid my ‘patterns’ and Dieter and I have been fighting less. I believe he might need some talking therapy of his own because he has anger issues and we definitely need marriage counselling to make real progress but things aren’t horrible. We are best friends and when we’re not arguing things are peachy. Except we don’t have sex. Ever. Starting about 6 months after we got married and moved in together (I had to move some distance to accomplish this so we never lived together before the wedding) our sex life started dying and it’s gotten to the point where, according to my diary, we’ve only had sex twice in the last 10 months. I’m always up for it (I have a high sex drive and this could be down to a hormonal condition I have or it might just be how I am…) and I try to initiate it, jump him, wear sexy outfits, etc. with no joy. I’ve read a lot of your advice on this problem and I’m glad I’m not the only woman out there to feel this way. From your advice to other readers I think Dieter might be depressed and I think he needs to work through that on his own with a therapist as well as us working through our issues together in couples counselling before things will get better in this area but it’s not enough to make me give up and, surprisingly, this is not why I’m writing.

As a society we like to talk about and view the concept of ‘love’ in very altruistic terms. Love is about giving and forgiving and doing so much for the other person. Love is about sacrifice.
In many ways, yes, love can be very altruistic and lead us to great self sacrifice. The other truth is that love, the act of falling in love, the very animal act of finding a mate and pair bonding, is a very selfish and self serving act. The very necessity of keeping a species populated and healthy requires a certain amount of selfish reasoning behind picking a mate. If this were not true, then female deer would hump whatever male instead of allowing themselves to become one of a harem to the strongest male. They are making the selfish choice to follow that buck which can provide to them the best food and the strongest genes. Sure, they don’t ‘choose’ this in the human sense, but again, for the strength of their species it is a necessity.
As humans we also do this but we call it other things, “compatibility”, “mutual interests”, “desires”, “strong firm buttocks”. We love people for selfish reasons, “I love him because he make me feel good…because he’s so sexy and hot…because we have the same interests…because he treats me better than anyone else…”
There is also a lot of projection that happens when you first meet someone. You see them as you want to see them, you project your values and experiences on to them. That’s why we are sometimes so shocked…SHOCKED when suddenly they are just not “who they were when we met them!”.
The reason I bring all this up is to address the phenomenon of internet relationships. I like the internet and it has done so much to bring people together. People who under normal circumstances may never have met are now meeting and forming relationships that never could have happened and that’s wonderful. It’s wonderful but it comes with consequences we’d not previously considered. The person on the other side of the monitor is only a series of pixels and bits. The words and photos are there but it’s your mind, your experiences, your values and your emotions that fill in all the blanks. You never had a chance to take the time to learn about who he really was as a person and vice versa. You talked a lot, but it isn’t often that his inability to close a napkin drawer or any of the other seemingly uninteresting minutia come up in conversation.
I never close the silverware drawer. I don’t. I don’t know why. It doesn’t make sense. It’s not even something I ever noticed until David pointed it out. It drives him nuts. Had we met through the internet over a long distance, it not a thing that would have ever come up in conversation and he never would have imagined it to exist.
The reality of the internet relationship is that it does not matter how well you ‘know’ a person, you will not ‘know’ what they are like in reality until you spend some time there with them…in reality.
As such, it’s no wonder that things seems so surprisingly different! You didn’t fall in love with a man who leaves the drawers open! What the hell!
And then there’s the sex! There are no less that 9 pantillion factors that go into sexual attraction and compatibility! No lie! But the better part of sexual attraction HAS to be determined in person. Again, as much as we like to pretend that we are reasonable beings that can choose physical attractions based on intellectual pursuits we are not. We are still animals and sex and sexual attraction is still (and always will be) a very animal pursuit. A very large part of sexual attraction is still mired in finding a mate that will provide the best outcome for offspring. Even if you are never ever planning on having kids you still don’t get to turn that part off. You want good strong offspring, you want to know that they will be safe and cared for. This is true of both partners. One very huge factor is immune systems. Studies have found that we are generally attracted to people who have very different immune systems from our own. What the hell does this have to do with anything? Mixing disparate immune systems is going to give the offspring a much better chance of survival.
How do we know who has the best immune system match for us? We can smell it!! Sniff sniff! In addition to signals involving your immune system you are also picking up all kinds of other information about this person’s biology. It is this information that can never travel across the internet and it is this information that makes the rules of attraction so damned perplexing. Why does this person SEEM so perfect and yet there just is no spark? no attraction?
I’m writing a lot of paragraphs to say that no matter how well you clicked over the internet, it does sound like there were far too many factors not accounted for before you got married but are now becoming too big to ignore. and I’m only talking about the physical ones. It sounds like both of you are in emotional situations that are hindering your progress. You are taking steps on those and it sounds like more steps need to be taken.
But again, you say this isn’t why you are writing to me. You are writing to me about your recent weenus behavior and the issues that are coming from that. Oh you weenus! Let’s talk about you and your weenus behavior.
I am writing because I have suddenly become 13 years old again and I’ve met a man and I’ve gone completely insane-head-over-heels-OMG-I-want-you-take-me-now for him. What I feel for this guy (we’ll call him Franklin) is not like any other crush I’ve ever had before. I’m very much the kind of person who is attracted to people’s personalities and not their physicalities. I’ve never been this physically attracted to any man or woman I’ve ever known/been with/dated/admired from afar/seen in films/etc. This isn’t to say I don’t fancy Dieter (I do!) but Dieter is not what my close friend Gaga would call my X-Factor. And Franklin so very definitely is. Gaga has this theory that somewhere out there there is that one person for everyone who embodies all of the things that they find ideally physically attractive. The person who embodies the exact apex of someone’s “type” and that when/if you meet this person fireworks and electricity and insane sexual desire overtake you because this is the person all your fantasies are about. The idealised fantasy person that you think about when you pull out your Rabbit for a little ‘me time’.
Franklin is this to me. He is SO my X-Factor. The first time I saw him I was blown away. He’s my age and we work in the same building (over 1000 people work here and we’re in completely different departments). He’s a lunch mate of a guy in my department we’ll call Eerie and the first time I saw him was in the canteen. He is tall, dark, and handsome but more than that he ticks all the boxes of things I find attractive. He has kind brown eyes, strong hands, a big mouth not just big lips but a wide, completely melt-your-pants-off smile, and he is skinny and wears glasses. But he is gorgeous…he could have come out of a magazine. Anyway Eerie often invited me to eat lunch with his crew but I was too shy and until Gaga started working in my team I didn’t have the courage. We started eating with them in November and the first time I talked to Franklin we just clicked. It was so easy. We got into a debate about feminism and things just went on from there. We e-mail eachother every day and just chat and joke around and he is kind, and sweet, and funny, and dorky, and we have a LOT in common.
You know what, I bet you and Franklin DO have a lot in common and I bet you do have lots of fun together! I have no doubt that he is super awesome!
But I do question WHY he seems so awesome.
I don’t think Franklin is special. I don’t think he’s special in that I don’t think he is much different from most people. What I do think is that he represents to you all that you do not have. He represents your projection of a better alternative. Once again, you are projecting your needs and wants onto a person in order to fill in the blanks. The only thing different here is that you have the benefit of proximity. Your body can smell his pheromones and add that to the overall assessment.
I haven’t had a close guy friend since my best friend who we’ll call Trogdor went into the army just before I got married and moved away. We used to hang out all the time and chat and drink or go out to eat and we were just…close. And I missed that so much. With Franklin when we go out together it’s so easy just like it was with Trogdor. And though Trogdor wasn’t my X-Factor our friendship was born of a mutual attraction that we never acted on. I’d forgotten how good it felt to have a close friend as since I’ve moved to be with Dieter I’ve been pretty isolated and haven’t found anyone that I could say I was that close to. But now I have Gaga and Franklin and I feel so lucky.
The only problem is my insane attraction to Franklin is getting to be a problem. I really feel like it could not only ruin our friendship but also my marriage. Because I have NEVER felt this way before and while I know I am essentially a good person, who wouldn’t cheat, and who has strong resolve and self-control I do NOT feel in control of my feelings for him and while I don’t think I’d act on this I’m really not sure anymore. I get sexually aroused just being in the same room as him.
Flirting like this is very similar to the beginnings of an online relationship. It’s new and fresh and you blush. Here’s this person that you like expressing interest in YOU! and you are expressing interest in them. There you are, bright plumage waving wildly all over the forest floor and all you want is to put his plumage all over yours and isn’t that exciting?
Sure, it’s exciting!
Now, answer me this: does he close the napkin drawer? does he leave errant toothpaste blobs in the sink? does he rinse out the tuna cans before he puts them in the recycling bag? does he sort the laundry by color and fabric? does he check the pockets before throwing your pants in the machine?
What have you sacrificed so far? Nothing really. But what happens if you ‘sacrifice’ your marriage for this and it turns out that he is not ‘x-factor’ but just ‘regular factor’? Not much? Really? Are you sure?

a lot of crying and if you loved me you wouldn’t say those things and I gave up my entire life to be with you how could you do this to me (from me).

Think about it some more. Really, think about it.
Gaga and I have talked about this (almost endlessly) for weeks and it just seems like he’s into me as well. Though I doubt that he could be as into me as I am to him. This is amazing for me. I’ve always felt ugly and unattractive (the Dieter flinching when I touch him sexually and pushing me away if I try to cuddle is really not good for already rock bottom self-esteem) and when I first saw Franklin it made me depressed because I fancied him so much and I knew, just KNEW he’d never even speak to me let alone fancy me because who would EVER do that? Especially someone as X-Factor as him. But we do talk and we hang out and we have SO much fun and I really do think he has feelings for me. Things have got quite flirty lately. He’s touching me in completely innocent but purposeful ways when he has no reason/need to. (Which makes my whole body feel electric and burn like my chest is on fire) And the way he looks at me and the way he smiles at me is not how he looks or smiles at Gaga or Pigeon or any of the other girls we hang out with. Pigeon has noticed it recently (I haven’t told her any of this) and commented that she thinks we’d make a cute couple.
So this is my dilemma. I’m afraid that if I continue this friendship and one night he leans in to kiss me I won’t pull away. And I don’t want to be emblazoned with the Scarlet Letter but I know myself and Gaga knows me. And she thinks that we’ve started something that if we let it continue will end in something like that happening. I don’t want to stop seeing him because the friendship is so important and I’ve missed being close with people since I moved to this strange country. BUT my marriage is important to me too. With Franklin I know that even if we could be happy in a relationship together it wouldn’t be ‘right’ he’s not ‘the one’. He might be my X-Factor but I’m really only interested in him for sex…not necessarily his body (which is awesome) but the electric feeling that we generate. And I don’t want to leave Dieter. I’ve come to feel that our marriage is more like one of friends who live together and cuddle sometimes than it is a proper relationship. I’ve started to think that maybe I married too young and that although he’s ‘right’ it’s still not going to work. It might yet end, but at this stage I’m not ready to give up.
When Franklin and I were out last night and we were chatting about my marriage. I told him about the problems Dieter and I were having before I thought he was into me…I try not to talk about it too much now because it feels weird. But I told him about it before when we were ‘just friends’ and I don’t see any reason to stop acting like anything other than ‘just friends’ since nothing has actually happened so we talked. He asked me if I’d ever cheat and I had to say that I didn’t think so, but that if the right person and I were in that situation I honestly don’t know what I’d do. It’s the truth…
I know I should stop hanging out with Franklin just the two of us but I don’t want to for so many reasons.
But I don’t want to be ‘that woman’ and I don’t want to wreck my marriage and I do love Dieter.
At this stage I’ve not done anything wrong. Dieter knows where I go when I’m with Franklin and he knows we’re friends and he’s ok with that. But he’s also insecure because of our problems and though he’d never say anything and is not the jealous type I’m afraid that if I spend more and more time with Franklin (both alone and with ‘the crew’) that Dieter will feel isolated and alone. He doesn’t have or want friends of his own and until I started going out it was just us in the house alone together all the time on evenings and weekends. I just stayed in and read or knit…and now I am so happy to go out and have friends. And I just love the electricity when Franklin and I are together. If we could keep going on as friends and I could let this desire fizzle out that would be perfect because we really do have so much in common and get on so well and I’m not just saying that because I want to jump his bone. I wouldn’t make a move myself and I think he’s too principled to make a move on a married woman, even one he has chemistry with…but who knows?
Oh, Bubbopants, what do YOU think I should do? Because I can’t trust my own judgement anymore. Gaga and my father both say I should just continue being friends. That I’ll know when I’ve crossed ‘that line’ and that I need to re-evaluate if that ever does happen. My dad has also said that some of his best friends have grown out of some fierce flirting/attracting and that I’ll get over these feelings sooner than it feels like I will.
Very confusedly but still so crazy-in-lust,
Constance Chatterly

What do I think? I think you are being a damned weenus. That’s what I think. I think it’s time for you to stop being 13, to stop being a little and start assessing all the factors here in a real and mature way.
You are married to Dieter. Dieter is the man to whom you are married. You and Dieter entered into a committed relationship and in the contract you made some serious promises. This contract does obligate you to certain behaviors and actions.
What are your obligations? Your obligations are to make every good faith effort towards a successful relationship. You’ve started down this road, you are in therapy and this is helping you and it is helping the relationship. Marriage counseling is a definite second step.
What else? I want you to spend some real and solid time ALONE with your thoughts. I want you to evaluate as objectively as possible your motivations for entering into the relationship and subsequent marriage to Dieter. You say you gave up so much to be with him, but there is a secret part of you that you don’t want to recognize exists. There is a part of you that wants to reconstruct that sentiment a bit to have it read

I gave up my entire life to be with the person I imagined you to be how could you do this to me.

You filled in so many blanks and then jumped in and now you find that your assumptions were incorrect. Well, that happens and it means you have a lot of thinking to do. Are the differences between what you imagined and what is reality so different that you are unable to reconcile them? Are they close enough that you can work on them?
If you truly are unhappy in your marriage I would never advocate that you stay, but I strongly recommend that you make the effort to accept your responsibility in the matter.
You and Dieter aren’t having sex very often and a lack of sexual intimacy in a relationship can be the result of any number of issues on the relationship issue spectrum. Maybe there truly is a lack of physical attraction beyond the visual. Maybe the degradation of your relationship has cooled the sexual feelings. Maybe Dieter has physical or emotional issues that do not involve you specifically but as a result you are not getting the regular humping. Whatever the reason, it needs to be addressed and explored. He might need to address it in private talk therapy or it needs to be dealt with in marriage counseling, either way, it needs to be dealt with.
As for Franklin? Walk away. Period. I don’t care how the chemistry feels, I don’t care how ‘cute’ you look when you are together, I don’t care how much fun you have with him. Franklin is NOT your x-factor. He is not. Franklin is a symptom of your unhappiness. Franklin is the cough that indicates pneumonia. If you don’t focus on the pneumonia you aren’t going to get better.
You are obligated by your marriage to focus your energy on your marriage. If, after making an effort in good faith you find that you still cannot reconcile your differences, then you work to end the marriage. THEN and only THEN can you start focusing on other people. I don’t mean this to sound like a prudey traditional marriage kind of thing. What I want you to understand is that for you Franklin or his replacements will always be a sort of life preserver in the boat of your marriage. It can be comforting to know that they exist, but in the end what they do is give you permission to ignore the hole in the bottom of the boat. Why should you worry about the boat sinking? It’s not like you are going to drown so long as you have your Franklin nearby, right? It’s easier to just let the boat fill up and sink away from you while you hold onto Franklin.
The thing about sinking boats is that they will suck you down with them.
It’s not enough to hold on to your life preserver. You need to turn around and work on the boat and keep it afloat. The world is FULL of Franklins. Just packed full of them. And maybe with Franklin you can find a sturdier and more seaworthy boat, but until you learn how to maintain a boat on your own, it won’t matter what anyone offers you.
Cliff Notes:
1. Stop being a weenus
2. Marriage counseling
3. Assess the much larger situation of your marriage
4. Recognize Franklin for what he is, a representation of your own yearnings
5. Stop being a weenus
6. Whether or not your marriage with Dieter has a future, Franklin cannot be a factor in that.

copyright 2009 heather ward/bubbodesigns

Dear Auntie BubboPants

By

First published June 30th 2009, TWiR on Ravelry.com.
Howdy,
For a self-professed non-expert you sure give good advice. So I’m turning to you with my problems.
I’m the mom in a mom/dad/teenage boy/teenage girl/dog/cat/cat household. (We did have another dog to balance out the cats, and he gave us 11 wonderful years before moving on. Now we’re left with (as Dave Barry calls it) the Small Emergency Back-up Dog who is insane but that’s okay.)
The furry ones are not the problems. They are good.
The problems are mine.
1. Both kids and my husband play World of Warcraft online. The kids maintain good grades and friendships and have other interests, although they spend the majority of their free time on this game. I don’t like that it dominates their lives. They’ll often play for 10 hours at a sitting on weekends. They only have a precious few more years living in our home before they’re off to college, and I feel that any time left for my influence on them is slipping away. WoW is not a new obsession; they have been playing it for several years. I’d really like them to spend more time in activities that don’t involve sitting motionless in a chair for hours at a time. I also fear that they’re missing out on all sorts of interests and activities that could be more beneficial to them. We have lots of tools and machines for building stuff, a zillion books, loads of craft supplies of many different kinds, and even a ton of excitingly dangerous chemicals inherited from Grandpa for science experiments. (With protective equipment and heavy-duty supervision from knowledgeable adults. No pipe bombs around here.) There is a large university as well as an excellent community college nearby for cool classes in every subject. I hate to see them miss out because they’re playing a computer game.
2. My husband used to do all sorts of outdoor things involving gardening and minor construction and even inventing devices. For the last few years, World of Warcraft has dominated his existence. He plays for hours. He sometimes gets up at night to play. When he’s not playing, he’s reading WoW manuals and guidebooks and thinking and talking about the game.
He has a good job (very difficult to find in Michigan in the current economy) and does well at it. He works an insane number of hours, leaving for work at 4:30 or 5 a.m. (his choice, not his boss’s order) and getting home between 4 and 7 p.m., and often working part-days on weekends. He certainly deserves every bit of his leisure time. Before WoW he was overweight but in fairly good shape otherwise. Now he is obese, has a bad knee with surgery coming up, has a very unhealthy complexion, and has been warned by his doctor that he must lose weight, be more active, and quit smoking if he wants to live any length of time.
I would like to say that my husband and kids have a problem with World of Warcraft. But they are intelligent and responsible people and are doing well (or holding their own) at school and work. They are happy.
I feel like I’ve lost my family. I’m often anxious, depressed, resentful, and bitter. I’m also extremely fearful of losing my husband because of his poor health.
Sure, the kids are doing well, but they could be exploring so many different activities and ideas at this point in their lives.
My husband doesn’t drink or fool around or watch porno movies or anything like that. But he used to be such a fun and interesting person, as well as a healthier one. (Have you seen the South Park episode about World of Warcraft? There’s an adult WoW player in it who scarily resembles my husband. Although my husband is a Good Guy in the game.)
I am working hard at finding my own happiness, offering opportunities for other activities to my family, and having a variety of hobbies of my own (working on the house and yard, gardening, sewing, cooking, reading, and of course knitting and crocheting). But I want my family back.
I would greatly appreciate your viewpoint and advice.
Many many thanks.
Non-Signing Chicken Butt

Dear NSCB,
Lots of stuff here, but you’ve really thought about it and laid it out well, so that will make my job easier. Really, it sounds like you understand the situation, you just need some guidance for how to deal with it all. A bit of a warning: I have never played WoW. I really don’t know anything about it. The extent of my WoW knowledge comes from this video. It seems that one can be an ogre of sorts and be surrounded by overly buxom lady ogres who battle the laws of physics just by existing.
Well, first things first, since the beginning of time moms have looked at their teenaged kids and thought “Grunka have such nice rocks! Why offspring only interested in sticks? Stick not fun! Rock fun!” This is something that has always happened and will continue to happen until the universe burns itself out and we hear the very last energy particle whispering, “but I don’t WANT to play with neutrinos, mom!” You can’t force someone to be interested in something, especially when there is something else that is far more interesting in the other room.
You’re smart enough to know that even if you wanted to say, “you’re ruining your life with that computer stuff!” it isn’t really true. Their grades are fine and they seem to be doing okay. On the other hand, your husband’s physical situation is deteriorating and this IS worrisome.
1. Yes, your husband DOES work very hard and does deserve to relax
2. Yes, your kids are spending a LOT of time playing a video game when they could be doing something far more educational.
3. Yes, you are feeling lonely, left out and somewhat abandoned
So…what do you do with this?
1. Your husband works hard and wants to play, but he also has a much greater obligation to you and the kids. If he lived alone I would say, “hey, it’s not healthy, but it’s your body and you have to deal with the consequences. Go for it.” He does not live alone, he has a wife and kids and as such he is obligated to set an example and he is obligated to do what he can to be healthy so he can be around for his kids. His kids and his wife need him and they need him to be there physically. This is his responsibility and it is one he took on willingly (even if he seems to have lost sight of that).
2. Your kids are…kids! You and your husband are the boss of the kids. I honestly do not think there is anything wrong with playing video games or surfing the web so long as there is some moderation. Anything done obsessively or to the point of the exclusion of all else is unhealthy, even…yes…the fiber arts! gasp!
3. Yeah, of course you are. You are on the outside, looking in and you don’t have an ally.
It’s time for some moderate asskicking! Starting with your husband. If he’s too tired to participate in healthy physical activities after working so many voluntary hours, he needs to make some changes. Period. This idea that work must happen constantly and to the detriment of all else is sort of…doopiedoo. I mean what’s the point of working to the point of destroying your health and not enjoying life? You and your husband are an equal partnership and it’s time to start working on it.
This means that the two of you need to find a compromise. He has to start spending more time being active and less time in front of the computer not only for his health but also to set an example for the kids.
And the kids….well, set some time limits. Try to engage them and explain that you don’t want to take the game away, you and their father just want them to also focus on more physical activities for their health. They may not like it, but you know, teenagers! The key factor here is your husband. His failing health should be the impetus for change here. Put your foot down, take a stand and yell like one of those ogres! You can get your family back, it’s going to take some hard work on your part, but it’s worth it.

***

Dear Auntie BubboPants,
Ok Auntie. I have a question for you.
This is the situation; I live about 20 minutes away from my parents. My bf and I go over to see them at least once a week, usually for dinner, board games and such. My mom and I are SUPER close! We talk about everything and get along fabulously. My dad and I…….. well, we aren’t close. It isn’t like we fight or anything, we just don’t really talk to each other. I just don’t have much to say to him. I don’t know why, but EVERYTHING HE DOES annoys the CRAP out of me. Not literally. But honestly I can’t STAND him sometimes!
There are certain things I try hard to overlook (things like chewing with his mouth open… GAH) but to be honest, the main thing that bothers me is that he is ALWAYS drumming on stuff. Tables, countertops, his laptop, he even taps out rhythims on a beer glass with his fingernails!!! He’s been a drummer since he was like 10; he’s done some professional drumming and teaches private lessons, so he really is good at it. He’s been doing it forever, and while I understand that he does it without realizing, that doesn’t make it any less annoying. I try to ignore it but after awhile the constant tap-tap-tappity-tap-tappity-tap is more than I can take. I don’t know what to do or say anymore. It’s to the point where I don’t go over there as much becuase it’s getting harder and harder to stop myself from punching him in the face. Which we all know is not the most constructive response.
I really want to hang out with my mom and I try to go at times when she’s home and he isn’t, but they are few and far between. Sometimes my mom comes to my house and that is really nice, but I can’t expect her to come here all the time. So is there anything I can do or say? I know I can’t change his behavior, only the way I respond to it. I wish I wasn’t SO annoyed by this, but I really am. So what do you think?
Thanks Auntie. :)
♥ Katie

Dear Katie,
There is no other way to say this so I am just going to say it, this really isn’t normal. Seriously, it’s not. Yeah, sometimes tapping can be annoying, but it’s not the tapping that’s bugging you. It would not matter what your father did you would be annoyed and angered by it. You say you aren’t close to your father but that reads like a lie of omission.
I cannot really advise you on your issue because whatever that may be, you did not write to me about it.
What I see in your letter is a woman who is very angry with her father, angry to the point of being unable to accept those weirdy little habits that everyone has. David always makes this “aaaawwm” noise when he yawns. When he’s tired he does it a lot and it starts to get on my nerves, but it takes me just a few minutes to remind myself that he is my David and this thing is nothing compared to his awesomeness.
If you would like to write again about the real meat of the situation, I would be glad to give you the advice I have. Until then, I do hope you find some peace.

***

Dear Auntie BubboPants,
how is one to find time to do everything? I have a full-time job with a bit of commute; I like reading, knitting, surfing the web; I like to spend some time with my partner, both in and out of bed; there is always housework to be done; plus just rest and veg around sometimes; cooking and eating and sleeping are also good.
I have a bit of a chronic illness, which makes me quite tired most of the time and most things take quite a lot of energy. My doctor and I are working on this, but even with 8 1/2 hours of sleep I’m tired, which adds to my constraints (both by taking out awake-do-things time and by the tiredness). How, Auntie, how can I get do to everything I want to and have to, and still get some sleep and not be exhausted nor be a workaholic? (I’ve tried the workaholic bit and it didn’t work) How can I manage everything and still have some downtime and not explode? I am really at a loss, and time just slips from in between my fingers.
Signed,
Time-Deprived Chicken Butt
Dear TDCB,
If you ever find the answer to this, please let me know.
I’ve recently learned to dye and spin yarn! Along with that there’s needle felting, making purses from recycled sweaters, reading books, talking to friends, hanging out with my sister, learning new recipes and sleeping! When do I find time to get back to my real passion, crocheting? ha! Almost never!
You prioritize the best you can, I will put some days aside for specific activities like dyeing or sewing. As for housework…no idea. There are always at least 6 things far more rewarding than marching a pile of underpants through the various stages of being clean and put away.
Incidentally, I’m looking for a little army of workers to do all the mundane things. They should be pretty small and enjoy living in the basement or under the sink. If anyone knows where I can get one of these armies, please let me know!

It’s a shorty column this week, but hopefully I got it in under the wire!

copyright 2009 heather ward/bubbodesigns

Repost for 01/22/09

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Because of the events in the news, I wanted to reiterate what I had posted a couple months ago. I especially want to stress that defending the rights of victims is easy, it takes little effort to elicit an emotional response and use that to your advantage. The real work comes from defending the rights of the despised and unpopular.
From 01/22/09:
So today is the 36th anniversary of Roe v Wade. I have a request for those who support the Roe v Wade decision and the right to choose. Can we please stop using the ‘victim of rape or incest’ argument? I know, it’s hot button and all that, but really, it detracts from the real issue. The real issue, the real argument, is that decisions regarding the health and well being of my body, decisions regarding how my body will exist should remain between me and my doctor. There is not a single other person out there that has the right to interfere with those decisions. If a woman is pregnant it does not matter how or why she is pregnant. She has the right to make a decision regarding that pregnancy and she will make it with her doctor and that decision will be based on sound medical advice that comes from scientific fact, not emotional arguments.
A woman needs to make sound, reasoned choices when it comes to her body. The choice to have a baby is a serious and life changing decision. Having a baby is something that should happen when you are ready, not because of dogma and threats.
The ‘victim of incest or rape’ is a false argument that could backfire. What happens if it’s agreed that they should be available for the poor victims…but for no one else? We have to defend the premise where it stands and not where the other side might agree.
And could I love Barack Obama any more than I do?
His statement released today:

On the 36th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, we are reminded that this decision not only protects women’s health and reproductive freedom, but stands for a broader principle: that government should not intrude on our most private family matters. I remain committed to protecting a woman’s right to choose.
While this is a sensitive and often divisive issue, no matter what our views, we are united in our determination to prevent unintended pregnancies, reduce the need for abortion, and support women and families in the choices they make. To accomplish these goals, we must work to find common ground to expand access to affordable contraception, accurate health information, and preventative services.
On this anniversary, we must also recommit ourselves more broadly to ensuring that our daughters have the same rights and opportunities as our sons: the chance to attain a world-class education; to have fulfilling careers in any industry; to be treated fairly and paid equally for their work; and to have no limits on their dreams. That is what I want for women everywhere.

Ask Auntie BubboPants

By

Dear Auntie Bubbopants,
I am a very thin and small girl, but I have always had a large chest. I understand that it does draw (often unwanted) attention to myself because it is disproportionately large to the rest of my body. As a teenager, I dealt with the inappropriate comments from boys. As a college student, I dealt with the cat-calls from men and sneers from women. But, you know, it’s what I have, and I didn’t make the choice to have them. For the most part, the comments have stopped in my adulthood. It seems that common courtesy kicked in, and people realized how inappropriate these comments are in everyday conversation.
However, I am now 24 weeks pregnant. I am not a very “showy” pregnant lady, so I understandably deal with the “Oh, I wasn’t sure if you were just getting fat,” comments. (Why do people think it’s okay to voice your thoughts?!) Only now, the comments surrounding the size of my chest are returning. “Wow, it must be nice to be so large.” “Oh, that explains why your boobs are so big.” There is absolutely no reason I need to be subjected to this inappropriate behavior.
I work in a customer service environment where it is HIGHLY stressed that we don’t upset the customer. 99% of these unwanted comments that I’m receiving come from the customers. How do I deal with them?! I just don’t know what words to use that won’t leave them thinking they had a bad customer experience. Auntie, can you help me with this?!
Signed,
Busty Bumpy Lady
Dear BBL
I grew up in a Scandinavian family in Minnesota. If I had a nickel for every time I heard “that’s none of your business” as a child I’d be rich! Seriously, I would rather eat glass than make a comment to someone about their body or touch them or even stand too close. We were all about respecting other people’s space. So when I read about comments like this it drives me a little batty. Who are these people? Who is the person who says these things??
My goodness there are strange people out there.
Go talk to your boss or supervisor and explain the situation to them and ask them to set the parameters of what you say. The same laws that protect a person from harassment in the workplace definitely apply to customer/employee interaction. No one can tell you to just suck it up and smile if it truly is crappy like that and it is the duty of your direct supervisors and managers to make sure that you are comfortable in the workplace. By asking your manager you do two things. The first is that you make them aware of the situation (because nobody can fix anything if they don’t know it needs to be fixed) which makes them responsible for helping you find a solution. The second thing is that they set the parameters for appropriate responses and that lets you know what you can say without getting in trouble. You don’t just want to tell a customer off, management gets touchy about that. But, if management agrees that you can respond a certain way to a situation then you know you will be fine.
I had a job where I was a manager in a very intense customer service area and I can promise you this, any manager worth two poops is going to watch out for his or her employees. Certainly, employees mess up and yes you want the customers to be happy. But a customer never walked away from one of my employees satisfied that he’d been right in abusing or being rude to that employee. I did not let that happen.
Go talk to your boss or even your HR person and have them lay out the parameters for you. I think it will help everyone out in the long run.
Congratulations on the baby and good luck with the customers.
Dear Auntie BubboPants,
I need some work related advice.
I am currently working as in a job that I hate. The work is alternatively boring, annoying, and severely frustrating and stressful, and I have been miserable for the past six months. I wake up every morning wishing that I didn’t have to go to work and come home every day and ask my dad (I still live with my parents) if I can just quit. Immediately.
As you’ve probably noticed, the pay is not the best. I do not make enough money to move out and finance my yarn habit at the same time and I am not financially secure. It doesn’t help that I am paid exclusively on a system that amounts to being paid on commission. Also, I do not usually find my own work, it is fed to me by my boss, who is somewhat of a tightwad. I feel like he has tried to underpay me from the beginning, and that isn’t even counting all the times that I have performed office and other miscellaneous tasks without pay. I am not paid to be office staff, but I am apparently expected to answer the phone, unpaid, when everyone else is busy. A new worker has also been hired, and most of the work that used to come to me is now being redirected to him because he is paid less than me. Right now I am at the office watching him hand work to the other guy instead of me. I like to think that my job is not all about money, but it seems like it is all about money for my boss. I also feel isolated from the rest of the staff, and have to bear constant verbal implications that I am simply not as good as their standard. I am hurt by this, even though I’m pretty sure that they aren’t doing it on purpose.
Now that I’ve painted that horrible picture, let me tell you why I have a dilemma about this.
EVERYONE I have talked to so far, with the exception of my dad and one of my equally disgruntled, and coincidentally unemployed, friends has told me that quitting would be a HUGE mistake and that I simply “have to tough it out” and keep going. No one has said anything about it getting any better, but quitting and finding another job, or another career (I bring that up when I get frustrated) would supposedly be akin to suicide and should not even be considered. I’ve been trying to find work in the same field, but it’s not looking optimistic and with the economy going the way it is, I think things will get worse on the job front, not better.
I guess I should say that I am a lawyer, working at a tiny firm. I didn’t want to say that off the bat, because a soon as I say that I’m a lawyer, everyone immediately thinks I’m nuts for wanting to quit. I hate my job though, and I can’t see any redeeming qualities other than the fact that my co-worker’s son (my godson) is amazingly cute and I wouldn’t get to see him as often if I didn’t work here. There is some small chance for advancement, as the boss is considering retiring and passing over the practice, but that won’t happen for many years to come. And I think he wants to pass it to the new hire and not me. But, I breached the topic of quitting gently to one of the legal secretaries who works here and she immediately told me it would be a bad idea.
After that long rant, what I really want to know is, am I being terribly soft about my perceived suffering? Is everyone else right and do I need to “keep at it” and ignore all the things I am unhappy about? I’ve applied for a few jobs during the last six months (including a part time job at a yarn store) and no one seems to understand that I am just not happy here. One hiring person actually asked me if I was applying for a less stressful job out of desperation! Part of me wants to quit, quit right now, and screw the financial and career implications. As much as I don’t want to do it, my parents will pay my way for at least six months, and I have some savings that aren’t labeled property of the tax man, so even though it seems like no one wants to hire me, I’ll be ok financially for a little bit. Another part of me realizes that committing career suicide at 25 might not be such a good idea, and is a bit scared when everyone whom I talk to seems to advise against quitting. And there’s the fact that I’ve always been a long term person and am petrified of not having financial security in a year’s time. I’ve tried to remedy the things I’m unhappy about, talked to the boss very gently, told some of my co-workers that I am unhappy (and they’re great and tried to cheer me up), but nothing seems to make it any better.
You probably can’t make this decision for me, but should I just quit?
Thanks for reading my long letter here.
About ready to explode,
C

Dear C
That is a lot of typing! wow!
I don’t know anything about being a lawyer or how the lawyery job market works or how one might ‘work their way up the lawyer ladder’. So maybe there is some lawyer related reason why you should keep this job, I don’t know.
This is what I do know. The point of having a job is to trade your time and skills for money so that you can get the things you need and not have to worry about hunting AND gathering AND making flint arrows AND building your hut. You trade your time and skills for money and then you give that money to other people in exchange for their time and skills and products.
The whole system was set up to simplify things. Throg is no good at building a nice hut, but he can make awesome loincloths. Juni builds good huts but has all the loincloths she need. So they invent money as a basis for trade and then Throg can relax because he can now get a good hut built and Juni can bargain for something that the village has standardized so she doesn’t have to figure out how to offload a pile of loincloths in order to buy tasty mammoth jerky.
Everything is simpler and easier.
So why have we made it so hard on ourselves? Obviously a job isn’t easy or it wouldn’t be worth the trade for money. But on the other hand, I cannot think of a good reason why a job should be disliked to the point of making you ill. How is that worth it?
Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? can you see the light? are we talking about ‘toughing it out’ for a few months or a year but you can definitely see where it is headed and the place it is headed looks good? Or is this a matter of toughing it out and maybe things will slowly get better but there’s no real good way to calibrate ‘better’ and it’s not like your stomach is going to hurt less?
If you don’t want to be a lawyer, if your job makes you so unhappy that you get sick then stop! No, it won’t be easy. In fact it will probably be a bit of a struggle, but if you think about it, that struggle will be less worrisome than what you are currently dealing with.
Dear Auntie BubboPants,
I recently moved to a new area, and started a new job ( about 4 months ago). Long story short: The job is NOT a good fit for me at all. My supervisor is very nice and helpful, my coworkers have all been great. But the workload is INSANE! It is in the human services field, and I know the workload cannot and will not be changed. In fact, I honestly feel I am doing the clients a disservice because I cannot give the kind of service the clients deserve because of the workload.
I do not want to be a “job-jumper”, but I go to work EVERY morning with a huge knot in my stomach. My question: Would it be better to grit my teeth and stick with it for a year ( That’s my internal minimum time frame that makes it kinda not job jumping), or knowing that this is the way it is going to be, just cut my losses, and start looking now? My gut is telling me to start looking, but I wanted an outisde opinion.
nonsigning chickenbutt

Dear nscb,
please read the answer above. If your job makes you unhappy there is nothing that sticking with it for a year is going to help.
Dear Auntie BubboPants,
I am having some serious issues with my roommate. We share a two-bedroom apartment, and I am seriously getting fed up. I have come to terms with the MESS and CLUTTER and DIRTINESS everywhere (I clean the bathroom spotless and don’t use my kitchen and stay in my room). Ok, I haven’t come to terms, but thats not why I’m writing.
She is from another country and can’t go home to visit family over the holidays
They disowned her because she’s getting gender reassignment surgery
Also, I don’t want to hear about her sex life (and I swear she’s hitting on me, she has slept with at least one other roommate, I know this because she told me about it)
I can’t really move out at this point because I’m planning to move to a large city far away for school in 6 months and can’t sign another lease.
I know this makes me a huge chicken-butt, but I’m really afraid to say anything.
I think the hormones make her unstable in addition to whatever other issues she has going on, and she has lots of swords around from doing theater. She told me she considered killing herself with one after her old roommate, who she was in love with, started dating another guy. And she wants to do trannie porn to earn extra money THIS IS THE KIND OF THING SHE’LL BLAB ABOUT AROUND MY 12 YEAR OLD BROTHER!!!!!
I really don’t want her around at my holiday gatherings. I look forward to these times being all about family. I dread coming home and my stomach sinks when I see her car in the driveway. What do I do?????
Signed,
Poor Wimpy Chicken Butt
Dear PWCB,
Okay, so the obvious answer is to move, but you can’t. Suck. You’ve got 6 more months, however, and that’s not super awful.
But gah!! really! GAH!
Yeah, the hormones are messing things up, but that’s not an excuse for acting like a 14 pound mcweenustron!
How do you make someone stop talking about their sex life? Sometimes just asking people to cut it out isn’t enough, or sometimes a serious talk can make things feel strained. When I can’t get someone to understand that I just don’t want to hear about their sex life or conspiracy theories or opinions regarding Pluto’s status I resort to being 7 years old! Fingers in the ears and “LAH LAH LAH LAH I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” and I keep it up until they stop. And mostly it works.
As for inappropriate things said in front of your 12 year old brother, that’s when you have to very pointedly say, “No! He’s twelve.”
Unfortunately, you can’t make her not be in her own home. And you can try to get her to recognize what you won’t tolerate, but you can’t force her to change.
So try to limit your time with her, focus on your family and remember…there is a definite light at the end of this tunnel. Six months and counting down…down…down…
Dear Chester,
I am writing on behalf of my parent’s newest kitty, Sorcha. Sorcha came up to their house a couple of months ago, starving and pittiful. She is less than a year old. She gets along with the oldest cat, Hannah (female), and the youngest cat, Brian Connor (male), but not the midde cat, Olive (female). Olive really really hates Sorcha and attacks her all the time. Poor Sorcha has gone from super loving to scared of everything, and we think it is because Olive hates her and attacks her. And now Sorcha has started peeing on my parent’s bed! My parents don’t know what to do! Is there a way to get Olive to not hate Sorcha so much, or should my parents find Sorcha a new home?
HI HI HIhihihihIHIHHHIIII!
HI! Okay, hi! I’m supposed to be calm at the time that is night! so okay! Do you know what? DO YOU? The thing that happened was that I had to go in the car but not to the dog park or to the vet or to the lady’s mom’s house with the cats or even to the place with the tent!!! I went to a different place! And this place had a house and a box outside where the lady and the man and maddie and I slept and we got to run around and I made peewee in so many places and I got to go in a canoe!!! and I got to eat turkey and I barked at things and I wore my warmie coat and OH MY GOD!!! I got the thing that is a tick! and the lady did a freak out thing that was all crazy lady thing but also crazy!!!! and she was all “LIME DESSERT LIME DESSERT!!!” and crazy (she goes crazy sometimes!! I think she is like that one dog at the dog park that is crazy!!! ha ha ha!!!)
But then another lady told my lady that I didn’t have the tick with lime dessert and so the lady made calms and she hugged on me and then she did the thing where she touches her fingers all over Chester (me) and she touches all of my fur and my toes and my belly looking for more ticks…but it made Chester…(me)…so sleepy..
OH!!! But CATS you ask me about cats! What do i know about cats?? Not much!! (ha ha ha ha get it! not much!). I know that there are cats and that the cats do not like other cats or do not like maddie or are just cats!!! So I asked the lady about the thing that is the cat making peewees (don’t worry, I don’t think she will be lime dessert crazy!)
Okay! HI!! HI! hi! yeah, okay so I asked the lady about the cats and the Olive and the Sorcha and she looked sad!! She did. She told me the thing about how she used to own cats (I am not a cat, I am a dog!) and she had a kitty that was a rescue kitty that she loved but she also had another cat that she loved but the other cat was like a cat that would punch the rescue kitty and it was sad and all of the cats were upset! and I don’t know why they didn’t just do the thing that is barking and then sniffing butts!
But the rescue kitty did the thing that was peewee in the house but not in the peewee box! and so the vet looked for peewee infections and the cat was the thing that was healthy but scared. The lady said she was such a sweet kitty (probably not as sweet as me CHESTER!!) but she needed to be an only kitty! and it wasn’t fair to make her live where she was upset and scared. and I know about that because when I was a puppy I lived in a place where I was upset and scared and then some people came and put me in a place and then another place and then one day the lady was there and sat on the floor with me and I went to sleep on her lap and then I went to a place and DO YOU KNOW WHAT???? Maddie was there!!! So maybe the thing is that Scorcha kitty needs to find a place that has a nice lady! do you know? I know! I know this because I am Chester and the thing that I know is all of the stuff!!!

screw edjakashuns!

By

I was flipping through yesterday’s paper and came upon an ad for the local grocery store. A large banner was proclaiming “PORK IS SAFE”. What? Has there been some concern with this nation’s pork supply?
As an aside: Yes, yes there is something wrong with this nation’s pork supply but it is still safe. In fact, some of the very issues related to the modern pork industry are exactly why it’s so safe. Pigs are now so fragile and so unlike real pigs now that they live in these weirdly sterile environments suspended over a lake of toxic shit. There is about 12 inches of dead air between this amazing dichotomy. Sterility to the point of fragility above, overwhelming toxicity below. Incidentally, the next time you eat a mass produced pork chop close your eyes and think of pee. Really! Do it. Just once. That weird flavor you’ve been covering up with sauces and brines? Ammonia! You can’t live over that much physical effluvia and not absorb the gases. Next time, take some care and buy small farm pork.
But that’s neither here nor there.
Of course the pork supply is safe. Why do we need a big old ad telling us….
oh…right….the ‘swine’ flu. They took out a great big old ad to assure people that you can’t get the flu from a pork chop. Ads are expensive and I imagine they would not have placed the ad unless this was a real issues with consumers.
Holy 12 pound pig shit on the floor! Seriously? Enough people believed this that pork sales went down? I do not have words for this, I really don’t. Is the general pork buying population so lacking in basic science that this is an issue? Sure, in Afghanistan they quarantined their only pig against the possibility of it just spontaneously developing the flu….developing the flu in a strain that can transmit from pigs to humans! I think it’s pretty easy to see that education in Afghanistan has been a pretty sketchy proposition since 1979. Basic biology might not have been a big priority. Egypt? Well, yeah, pig slaughter but it’s pretty obvious that’s more about politics and religion than anything.
But here? HERE? Really? Well, this is a nation where we debate the scientific merits of religion and people actually believe that the philosophy of creation should be taught in the science room. maybe that’s the problem, a systematic unraveling of logical processes, a discounting of scientific method and rational thought. Teaching creationism isn’t about promoting a religion, it’s about teaching blind acceptance. No evidence, no experiments, no hypotheses, no proofs, you just accept that this thing happened.
Things get dumbed down over and over and I guess it is little wonder that someone is dousing the spare ribs in Thera-flu and chicken soup.
Well, thank god they’re cutting education funding again in the state! Holy crap! Who needs education funding? We’ll just send out monthly newsletters based on whatever current panic is in the news and just tell people what to think.
This is why I drink so much Blue Moon, people! I have no faith in the future! I fear I’ll be walking through the refrigerated section to find an exorcism being performed among the fish in order to the Salmonella Demons from attacking the eggs and perhaps little altars to the Gods of the Complete and Balanced Breakfast will be erected by the Cheerios.