Wolves in the distance woke me and I lay there listening. Up before the sun, peed by a log. Basic camping stuff.
David and I went down to the rock at the water to take in the sites and appreciate what ‘was’. The nice thing about having an entire lake to yourself is that you can go around in your underpants and offend no one! Well, no one but the beavers, but they’re dicks anyway.

Chester tried to do his best Sean Penn impression but failed.

We relaxed with our feet in the water, the sun still hidden behind us. We were protected by the rocks and the trees. As the sun came around I could tell it had chosen me as its special victim (because, you know, the sun has it out for me). I scooted into the shade and pulled a towel over me. I even commented that perhaps at this age I should be more responsible about my skin and avoid getting burnt. Yeah, remember the time I went to Key West and got burnt so bad my skin was purple and it radiated heat for days? Yeah, I need to stop doing that.
David slathered me in spf 8000 and we decided this would be a quiet day. As I mentioned in a previous post, my goal was to find equilibrium, to make peace with myself. Today was the day. I grabbed my book, some crossword puzzles (even junkies need a fix in the wild) and my trail mix and headed out to a shaded rock that overlooked the lake.

David was busy collecting and boiling water so Chester decided that he’s get way more passing out done near me. As the sun moved, so did I. I was determined to stay away. Screw you, sun!
Between crossword puzzles and chapters in my book I spent a lot of time thinking. Contemplating. The results are in the post previous to this.
It really was one of those days where you sit very still and allow yourself to stop projecting and start accepting what is around you. (Stop Projecting! Start Accepting! I’m totally going to write a self help book and act like a dick and be a darling of daytime talk show hosts! Better watch it Dr Phil, I’m gonna knock your ass into a spin.). Of course while I was sitting and navel gazing, David was taking the canoe out and actually doing camp related survival chores like removing Giardia lamblia from our drinking water.

Speaking of water, I am stupid! When we g camping we bring a certain amount of water with us, but it’s not intended to last the trip. At 8 pounds a gallon, you’re really not going to bring all the drinking water you need with you. You will have to collect and filter or boil the water. Getting the water from the middle of the lake allows you to have water without so many floaty bits in it. As I was watching our ‘city’ water supplies dwindle I automatically went into reserve mode. I wanted to make it last. i knew in my head that we would be boiling some soon, but I was responding to the visual. I stopped drinking water and when I did drink some it was only a small amount. On day 2 I only peed twice and the second time was right before we went to bed and I had to think of waterfalls and Dr Phil to make it happen. Lack of pee in this very hot weather with all this exercise means lack of hydration.
The headache started on day 3. Along with the contemplating and sun fear, I was also battling a headache from dehydration…in the wilderness…with no Alleve. I told David and he made me drink a lot of water and kept on me, but the headache just had to run its course. I seriously considered trying to find a willow tree and boiling its bark because I read somewhere that aspirin came from the bark of willow trees and even though there are no willow trees there…I was going to try. No I wasn’t.
To make myself feel better, I laughed at the dog.

My dog looks like a pig when he sleeps

Also, he has actual buttcheeks. My dog has buttcheeks! If my dog could dial a phone he’d totally be calling for help since I’m always pinching his little doggie buttcheeks.

fuzzy dude on the tent

I think he wants to kill me.

By mid afternoon I knew I had lost my battle. Sunscreen, shade, sacrificed squirrels, it didn’t matter, my back and shoulders were burnt all to hell. They hurt and I was not feeling very happy about this. Fucking sun! I’m going to get in a spacemobile and fly to you and punch you right in the photosphere!
We ate rehydrated food and campfire baked potatoes and some MREs and we split a bottle of wine while watching the sun go down. I felt better after that.
Hanging the food in the tree was harder for some reason and I got stabbed by an angry tree. There was cloud cover so we could not watch the stars.

I’ll get back to posting pictures and amusing anecdotes about wilderness poop soon.
I went to the BWCA with a mission. I had to find a way to make peace with myself and the universe. To find a way to reconcile a universe that would kill my dog and reconcile with my own self over the ‘betrayal’ of my brain.
1. everything that we are, every element, every atom, every molecule is found throughout the universe. there is nothing here on earth that cannot be reproduced with raw materials anywhere else in the universe. If this is the case then what are we but the universe. and what was ghengis but the universe. the suv that hit him, his blood, the tears, the grief, the ashes, all of it is part of the universe. My anger? universe. all of it.
I went to the seclusion and quiet of the BWCA to try to make peace with the universe. To find a way to forgive the universe for kicking me in the gut. I was tired of being angry. I wanted an apology. From the universe.
I spent time contemplating. I spent time alone thinking. I was still. I was active. I waited for the sign. Because I’m like that. That’s right, bitches, the universe is going to give ME an apology! me! not you.
And what conclusion did I come to? What information did I take in when I relaxed and let it in? I went back. I went back to the time before Ghengis died. I went back to the understanding that the universe is without intent. That a great deal of my anger in grief was conceited. It was centered on myself. It was saying “fuck you, universe! how dare you kill my dog!”. The universe didn’t kill my dog. I mean it did, my dog died, but the universe did not kill ghengis because he was my dog. The universe just juggernauts forward. Anger, while completely natural in grief is misplaced.
Anger is a response that says “you wronged me! I am wronged!”
I was not wronged. I am part of this amoral universe. this unplanned, uncontrolled whirling fantasia. in 14 billion years stars come and go, planets form and get destroyed, life starts, stops and starts over. The idea of “fair” is a construct. There is no “fair” or “unfair”. Having you dog die isn’t about “fair” it just is. To say I was “wronged” is to say that I am somehow important enough to be noticed and plotted against. To say it is “unfair” is to say that I should be exempt from the vagaries of life.
To distill this down…Shit happens, but it doesn’t happen TO me. It happens and sometimes it affects me.
2. Depression is a pain in the ass. Going to see the psychiatrist every few weeks, tweaking your prescriptions, taking pills that make you tremble or sleep or not sleep or poop nuggets…it’s all a pain. Sometimes I feel betrayed by my brain, by the chemistry and the circuitry in there. Why can’t I just have a brain that creates the normal chemicals, why can’t I just ‘suck it up’ and feel okay?
Why?
There is no ‘why’. To ask ‘why’ in the metaphysical sense “why can’t I have what other people have? why can’t my brain be normal?” is to assume that you’ve been selected personally to be insulted.
I have not been personally selected for a miswired brain. Oh sure, we can point to incidents during development, but again that leads you to a question that should not be asked.
Again, in short…shit happens. asking ‘why’ just keeps you sitting in idle. I have stopped asking ‘why’ or rattling on about ‘fair’. It is neither fair or unfair, just a fact. To move forward you have to get out of idle and turn on your blinker.
I accept what there is. I cannot fight it, only work with it.
I did not get the answers I expected when I was up there, but I did find the answers that I knew all along.

Let us take a moment to hear from Anna, the awesome dog sitter who loves Maddie almost as much as I do…
I think…