Category Archives: Doogles

HI HI HI HI!!!!!! Remember me? CHESTER?!

By

Hi hi hi!!! HI!! OH my god HI!!! Okay
HI
HI
The lady says the thing that is “chester you put the crumbs of potato chips on the thing that is the computer!!” and then she does the thing that is hide the computer from me! This is a thing that is true and also a thing that makes sadnesses for Chester (me).
But my name is Chester and that is a thing that is true and also a thing that is true is that I found the computer and I can say the things that are HI HI HI HIHIHI
HI
Okay! Oh my god! The thing that was true is that the lady went to a place that was not the place where we live and the man went there and also
DO YOU KNOW WHAT???
I went to the place that is not the place we live and so did Maddie (but maddie did it in a dumb way!)
We went to a place that was Madeline Island! This is a truthfulness. We had to ride ride ride ride ride in the car and eat cheese and pringles and go on a boat.
OH MY GOD! do you know what? We went on a crazy boat that was also a place for the car to go! It was INSANE!!! but also we got to eat more cheese so that is good!
And we got to go to a place that had SO MUCH GRASS! I LOVE GRASS!!! When there is the thing that is grass you can do the thing that is eat it or do peewee on it or go RUN RUN RUN RUN on it or do a laydown on it. The grass was so much! it was everywhere and also some trees and some people! and the things that are the things that are geese! that is TRUE!!!!

  • ha ha ha ha
  • I got to say BARK BARK BARK at Matt! I said the thing to Matt that was “MY NAME IS CHESTER AND YOUR NAME IS MATT AND MATT IS NOT CHESTER SO YOU GO AWAY!!!
  • HA HA HA HA I did that!
  • I said that to the people that were not matt too!! and it made me laugh! and I would tell maddie about it and she would say “IS THE LADY SAFE??!! LADY!! SAFETY!!!”
  • Maddie is doofy
  • oh my god!
  • DO YOU KNOW WhAT???
  • GUESS WHAT I GOT TO EAT
  • It was so delicious it was as delicious as a thing that is a snacktreat!
  • GOOSEPOOP
  • O MY GOD!!! OKAY! okay! hi! HI! My name is Chester and the thing that I ate was the thing that was goose poop!
  • HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!
  • hi

and I got to do the thing that was go on a canoe! but the car did not go on the canoe only me and the man went on the canoe. No car. That is a thing. No cars on canoes. I know this. I know so much! MY NAME IS CHESTER.
And I got to go RUN RUN RUN and one time I went on a canoe and the lady and Maddie stayed at the place where the canoe left and when I came back do you know WHAT??? DO YOU???? Maddie had the thing that was a friend!
I KNOW!
Can you believe it? A FRIEND!!! Maddie was doing the thing that was RUN RUN RUN with a dog that was not me and she said the thing to me that was that the dog that was her friend was like me (CHESTER) but that’s crazy! Because I am Chester and that dog was not Chester! And I am very handsome and smart and strong and that dog was only okay, he was not me!
But he was fun! because he liked to go RUN RUN RUN RUN and so I got to go RUN RUN RUN with him and we did a thing that was go in water and also jump and Maddie knocked me down and then do you know what??
DO YOU KNOW WHAT???
I told that dog my joke about how the man does the thing that is pick up my poop and the dog did the thing that was LAUGH! I tell the funny jokes! And then I told him about the fat squirrels that yell at me and want me to do the thing that is give them nuts but I don’t have nuts and they don’t know! and he thought that was SO FUNNY!
but Maddie didn’t. She doesn’t understand the squirrels. I am chester and the thing that I know is squirrels!
OH!!! and there were littles there at the place that was not where we live! LITTLES!! They were people kind of littles and not dog kind of littles! and one of the littles said the that was “SCAREDNESSES!!!!” and he made loud noises and a thing that I know is that littles know all about scarednesses! and so if a little is yelling about scarednesses then I will do the thing that is also have scarednesses!! and the little was yelling scarednesses and I was running around with scarednesses and the people were saying “hey! hey! settle down! is just a dog!”
Just a dog?
What?
What dog?
And then I knew the thing that was true! the little had scarednesses of me!!
THAT’S SO MUCH CRAZINESS!!! I am Chester! But one of the littles did not have scarednesses and he came up and touched me and petted me and the lady said a thing that was true, she said “good boy, Chester!”
I am a good boy!
OH!!! and I got to do a thing that was eat frosting!

The times they were beautiful

By

We returned safe and sound and exhausted from our trip to Madeline Island. It was absolutely beautiful, it really was. There are a million things to write about and I’ll get to them, hopefully! So let’s do bullet points!

  • First and foremost, the wedding was beautiful and simple. Only close family, very small ceremony, no big planning. A lot of specifics weren’t even figured out until a few hours before the ceremony. I love that. I’ve really come to appreciate simplicity in these sorts of things. Writing the advice column and watching what my sister went through with her wedding sort of kills the fantasy about weddings.
    • Mary-Alice could not have been more lovely in her wedding dress. She was able to use her mother’s wedding dress (rescued and rehabbed post-Katrina), cut to a classic tea-length. The addition of simple pearls and mary-janes and you could have wept seeing it.
    • There were 16 people involved (including the bride and groom), so we all got to pair up and be in the processional. David walked his mom up the aisle and I got to walk with Matt’s (insanely adorable) little nephew!
    • Mary-Alice had asked us to hum the Wedding March as her father walked her up the aisle. Instead, it was decided that we would surprise her and sing “You Are My Sunshine” instead. The look on her face was priceless.
    • In sum, the whole event focused not on spectacle or drama, but on the very core of the matter: two people who love each other very much coming forward and entering into a public contract of obligation. Two people focused only on each other, basking only in the love of family.
  • The dogs, bless their retarded hearts, wore themselves out running all week. The house that Mary-Alice rented for the week was huge (comfortably holding all 16 of us), on a giant piece of land and allowed dogs! I’m not sure she knows how much I appreciate that I got to bring the doofuses with me on this trip. For whatever stress they may cause in the moment, they are always such a huge comfort to me.
  • The house we wanted to buy!!! It’s a bust. The inspection was on Wednesday, David had to come back into town for some work things and was able to be there for the inspection. We knew there was going to be some work necessary for the house, water damage and such. The assumption was that since the phrase “newer roof” was being bandied about as a selling point, then the water damage would be from the time before the “newer roof”. This assumption was incorrect. In fact, our assumption that “newer roof” would imply that the house had something that functioned as a covering for the building was also wrong. Apparently, the phrase “newer roof” means “a shoddy piece of shit installed by disreputable asspipes who thought nothing of scamming an old man out of his money and leaving him with something on the top of his house that channeled water directly into the structure for years to come”. There is nothing about this roof that was installed correctly, not the materials, not the technique, nothing. As a result the house requires more than any regular buyer could possibly put into it. I’m not sure if I’m more pissed at the city inspectors for not finding this or at the conservators of the owner’s estate for not putting forth the effort where he could not. I don’t blame the owner, it’s obvious he’s in no position to be dealing with this. Knowing that we are the second potential buyers to have sunk multiple hundreds of dollars into an inspector to find out this information makes me question the integrity of the entire deal. At what point is it no longer ethical for the realtor or conservators to not disclose the information about the roof? Certainly it is not a lie that the roof is “newer”, but that roof is a detriment to that property. It is continually causing damage to the house such that it was our inspector’s opinion that there was so much damage to the outer structure that there was no real recourse but to tear down the house and rebuild.
    But, I guess this is where we pull our pants up and move forward and keep looking. It’s really frustrating, but I maintain that in home buying you must always be prepared to walk away.
  • The real sadness is that this was a house that we both liked equally. We have each seen houses that we have liked but the other was unimpressed by (do I love the mid-century rambler? oh yes I do! does he? not so much.)
  • Being on Madeline island re-awoke a little spark in me. There’s a part of me that wants to buy an old farmhouse somewhere near a crafts or artists community. Someplace where it’s half hippie artist and half flanneled ambiguously lesbian with a few dogs and a house that has a great view and some problems in the winter and a no-nonsense haircut and wide hips and artsy sensibility and raspberries in the backyard and David climbing trees somewhere. Somewhere like…Vermont…
  • On the drive home we hit some road construction on I-35, north of the cities in the “Save the Baby Humans” corridor (these exist everywhere approximately 100 miles outside of any larger city on the interstates where the billboard space becomes a bit cheaper). I got nothing against the pro-life message per se, but I am a deeply cynical human being and sitting there for 40 minutes seeing billboard after billboard touting “God’s Handiwork” and “God’s Greater Plan” and “I had my genes BEFORE I was born” made me wonder why they never showed pictures of babies with anencephaly or harlequin ichthiosis, are these not also part of the plan? Examples of the handiwork? Someday they will invent a pill for my brand of cynicism and the world will be a calmer place.
  • I was greatly saddened by the passing of Senator Kennedy this past week. He truly was one of the last great fighters for equal rights for all. As much as I appreciate Obama, he is no Ted Kennedy, that’s for sure. For all that would spit the venom of his faults and mistakes so haughtily as he passed, I would counter with this article. I know of few others who have fought so hard to give a voice to those who had so little. He was not one that fought to oppress many while hiding secret affairs (ahem, Mr. Sanford, Mr. Craig, Mr. Ensign, Mr. Foley and so on and so on).
  • Another passing that surprised and saddened me was that of Ms Sheila Lukins. She was second only to Julia Child in my book. In fact, she saw the banner Julia Child was carrying and took it one step further. Fine french cuisine was, in fact, accessible and attainable for the home cook but she told us to not forget Morocco and Thailand, cumin and fish sauce, she truly was a pioneer for expanding our meat and potato palates beyond the borders of midwest and out into the greater world. I have owned a couple of her Silver Palate cookbooks and in the mid-nineties when I was coming into my own in the kitchen I learned so much from them. She was part of the celebri-chef culture back when it meant knowledge and artistry, not stringing together whatever current hip foodie culture terms are popular and face humping a camera to the delight of the pre-menopausal (I’m looking at you Emeril and at you, Bobby Flay).
  • I got nothing else right now. David is back to work today. This week I will be sorting out my head and getting myself back on a regular schedule. I hope to write more about the issues of coming off Effexor and the wall I hit this summer. I also need to focus more on my fiber production and get more yarns and rovings out there, as well as finish up the new website for it all. Oh, and Chester has a few opinions to share with y’all.
  • Unrelated pet peeve: it’s spelled “voilà” and not “wallah”

ps about 2 weeks ago the banner at the top of my website went from being the same shade of pink as the sides to being a different shade of pink. Can other people see this? I’ve changed nothing on the site. Any ideas from the peanut gallery?

Dear Auntie BubboPants

By

First published August 10 2009, TWiR on Ravelry.com.
whoa my god! So! After the house thing fell through last summer we decided to wait until this summer. We’ve spent the last few weeks with a realtor looking at this place and that place, mouths agape in wonder at what people consider to be “sellable condition”.
Anyway, on Saturday we found a cozy little place on a surprisingly giant lot, all tree covered and backs up to a park and all that. We put in an offer and are waiting to hear back.
And so I’ve been bumbling around the house making brownies and crocheting and harassing the dogs and waiting to hear back and….I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO WRITE THE COLUMN!!!!!
oops!
So this is me, running late!

***

Dear Auntie BubboPants!
I always love reading your advice columns. I appreciate your no-B.S. yet humorous approach. After reading today’s letter, I wanted to get your advice:
Should I make peanut butter cookies or not make cookies?
Based solely on your response to the July 27 saga, I am confident you can knock this one out of the park!
Signed,
Hand In The Empty Cookie Jar
Dear HITECJ,
Yes, YES! for the love of all that is good, YES!!! Make those cookies! I love peanut butter cookies, they are the best of all cookies ever invented. It is rumored that Alexander the Great won his empire not from fighting skills or diplomacy but from handing out delicious, chewy peanut butter cookies. Conversely, Ted Nathan Opoklot of Wichita Kansas once tried to build a fence two inches into his neighbor’s property and was promptly punched in the snout and sent home with a detailed plat drawing stuffed into the back of his pants. Mrs Gladys Humpwaffle seemed to be of the opinion that a plate of peanut butter cookies could have prevented the more violent moments of the altercation but Mr Opoklot was “in no mood for that mumu covered busybody” and thought that perhaps she should “pay more attention to that lumpy blot of a husband!”
I guess what I am saying is that you should make these cookies. Also you should share these cookies.

***

Dear Auntie BubboPants!
I’ve only been reading your column for a few weeks but I’m pretty sure it’ll be good to hear what you have to say. I also think that I’m really just looking for reassurance and I already know the answer, or at least the steps I should take to find the answer…
Here is the thing: I can’t see the point in living (sorry to get so heavy so early on!) By this I don’t mean I am miserable, depressed or I think about suicide regularly. It’s more that I can just find a negative in everything in life, basically I have over analysed myself into a point where it just seems like it would a bit of a relief if a bus hit me this afternoon!
I know I have a great life, all told. I have a lovely boyfriend, amazing family and friends, I live in a great city and I am an intelligent, interesting and extremely capable person. The problem is deciding what I want to do with my life, both in big terms (I have some important decisions to make right now) and small ones, like what to do with my spare time – I have many, many interests and facets of my personality and I find it impossible to know what to invest energy in. I find myself trying to weigh up how ‘worthwhile’ activities are in terms of the big picture of my life, and this can include just going over to see friends!
Over analysis leads to me feeling cynical about every possible activity or life choice one could take. I literally can’t see the point of life. I try and tell myself that life should just be about making yourself happy – but how selfish is that? and what’s the actual point considering we’re all just going to die soon anyway (this is extent of my cynicism, y’see!). Then I think that maybe life should be about helping people but this thought just overwhelms me as I think about all the millions of people that need help and, again, what’s the point because whatever you do will never be enough…?!
It’s even got to the point where I feel cynical about love and about sex. I’m starting to think that love is just ultimately selfish (you’re with someone really because they make you happy or perhaps you both happy, but that is still just a selfish motive). Over analysing sex (which I used to love) has made me think of it as this mechanical, physical action that, unless you are trying for a baby, is ultimately pointless.
That last point touched on the one thing that has given me some hope of late. I feel like, perhaps, having a child could be the one thing that could give me some real purpose in life. Once you have a child their survival and happiness gives you that all important, unquestionable thing to focus on. Although I’ve thought about kids for a while I know my boyfriend and I are not ready and, most importantly, feeling cynical is the absolute wrong reason to have a child.
I think maybe I should get some therapy but I’ve had it in the past for more specific mental health problems and it’s never really worked. The fact that I am writing to you is encouraging because I feel like I do want to stop feeling like this and find happiness again, where as a few months ago I did feel more like suicide might be an answer, without being too dramatic I think it was only the desire not to want to severely hurt my family, friends and boyfriend that stopped me doing it, so this is better!
Thanks in advance,
Really Has No Reason to be Miserable.

Dear RHBRtbM,
No, you probably don’t have any reason to be miserable but then again, maybe you do.
I’m going to try to hit this from a couple different angles, let’s see how this goes.
First off, what you are describing here in this letter is the 12pound classic text book low grade depression (or it could just be that you’re a philosophy major that got stuck on nihilism lite, but I do not think that is the case). Not big terrible suicidal depression but really just the low grade “what the hell is the point” depression. It’s common and normal and usually passes after a few weeks or a few months. If it does not pass after a few months then yes, you probably want to talk to a professional (as opposed to a lady with no pants and curious underarm odor!)
You don’t necessarily have to see a therapist full time. Maybe just a couple sessions? Maybe you go see your regular doctor and describe what’s going on and she does a little poking and prodding and says “OH! look at that!” (actually, I’m never a fan of a surprised reaction from my doctor). And maybe there is something minor and physical that is causing a hormone imbalance.
Hormones are pesky little crappers. You think they just control things like ovulation and your circadian rhythm, but oh ho no! they like to get all up in place they aren’t welcome and make you sad or twitchy or stinky or overly pink. There are all kinds of things in your body controlled by things you didn’t even know were hormones. And the little jerks all react to each other! Too much of this will cause not enough of something else and eventually you find out that a cyst on your adrenal gland is causing you to bark like a dog in the produce aisle!
Certainly, I’m not trying to make light of the situation, but just saying that often the cause of a problem isn’t immediately obvious.
So, what’s the point of it all? You’re certainly not the first person to ask that question and to be disappointed with the lack of solid answers. Often times people find the answers to this question in religion. I am not a religious person and so I am going to extract myself from any discussion of religion and the meaning of life except to say that from my observations it does really seem to help a lot of people.
What else then? Here you are struck hard with the futility of it all. Get up, shower, work, drive, eat some rotisserie chicken and salad from a bag and go to bed and get up and do it all again and why? Why??!!
I went through something similar not long ago. I’m sciency, I’ve studied evolutionary biology, I do not have any sort of faith, I do not believe in an afterlife or anything like that. So if this is it, then yes, what’s the point? There’s no gold star at the end for doing a good job, there’s no promotion or pay raise or fabulous vacation to Alpha Centauri if you find all the hidden jewels in time.
Get born, grow up, eat some rotisserie chicken, die. done. What’s the point? the goal? the mission? Where’s the reward?
Starting very very very early we are trained in cause and effect, act and reward, do this and get that. We learn that if we cry we get our diapers changed, if we learn our vocabulary words we get a gold star, if we manage to show up every day we get a paycheck and if we charm the nurses we get extra jello. Stimulus….response. This is so ingrained in how we function that it is almost impossible to imagine a system that does not on some level function like that!
But that’s the conclusion I came to. That there is no gold star, no reward or vacation or extra jello at the end. This is it. Life is some amazing quirk in the universe, unique or common, I have no idea! But here we are. Before the sperm met the egg, we were not here. After our cells disintegrate back into the earth we will not be here. Sounds like a recipe for nihilism. Except it wasn’t.
This is it. It’s very freeing to know that I have this one finite life that is mine. I can affect others in a positive way or a negative way or not at all. My choice! I can eat brownies at midnight or buy a house or move to Belize. Or not. I can focus on the here and now and not worry about “the long run”. This is not to say I intentionally act irresponsible (sort of, I mean I did have brownies and coffee for breakfast today), in fact in many ways I do act more responsibly than I might because I know that this is it and there are no second chances.
I did say earlier that I was not religious but there is something that I turn to that helps me focus. The Noble Eightfold Path is something I use to focus my thoughts and act in a more responsible manner. I don’t do it to gain points or better my chances in the afterlife. I do it because I have the choice to act in any way I want and I want to act in a way that allows me to be in the world without acting like the world surrounds Me.
What I’m saying is that in trying to answer the question “what’s the point?” you might want to investigate avenues that lead you in unexpected directions.
All in all, however, it really does sound like a case of mild depression. Your psyche just needs a good swift kick in its metaphysical ass. Go see your regular doctor first and see what he/she says and go from there. Just like problems are rarely caused by a single agent, they are also rarely solved with a single solution. Attack this from many sides, you’ll find more satisfaction that way.
Also, don’t have a baby just to give you a sense of purpose. Ask any new parent, they are constantly surprised at just HOW MUCH purpose a baby will suck out of you and how relentless they are at it. You’ll get this dealt with, then come back and we’ll talk babies.

***

Dear Chester,
Hi my name is Jack and I’m the labradork, that’s what my mommy calls me. I am a labradork and I have things that are fun like the squeaky toys and the globe ball and the things that are the cats. I love love LOVE to chase the thing that is Bryn the cat, she is so funny and looks so yummy, but the thing that is the Annie-cat, I do not love to chase her because she scares me. She hits me and it hurts because even though she doesn’t have toenails it’s loud and I don’t like it. I don’t know if I love to chase the thing that is the Clee, because she is small and orange and she doesn’t like to come downstairs.
I have two questions because my mommy says you’re a smart dog and you know stuff. So these are my two questions. My first question is, how do I get the thing that is the Clee to want to come downstairs? She doesn’t like it and she doesn’t like me and even when mommy puts me in my crate-she says “go to bed Jack” and I go because I’m a good boy and I like my crate-and brings the thing that is the Clee downstairs herself, she still doesn’t like me (not mommy, Clee) and makes her tail big and her back high up and makes the thing that is the hiss, which I hate hate HATE, I hate the hiss because Annie does that before she hits me and I go away.
Ok, this is my two question. I have the itchies. I hate hate HATE the thing that is the itches. And I know that the I am the labradork and that labradorks like me have itches a LOT, especially in this cold time that is winter in Mitch-again. But I don’t like the itchies and I know it’s not the things that are fleas because mommy puts the medicine on and I hate hate HATE it but I stay still because I am a good labradork named Jack. So how can mommy make the itchies go away?
Thank you Chester the dog, you’re a Good Dog like me, I’m Jack the Labradork.

Hi HI HI HIHIHI!! HI! Hi Jack! Jack Labradork!
HI
OH MY GOD HI!
Okay, the lady makes me stay away from the computer a lot because of the thing she said that was me and putting potato chip crumbs in the part of the letters I push. But she is a ladydork!
Do you what to know the things that I know? DO YOU?? HA HA HA yes you do! because you said the thing that was “Chester tell me the things you know!” I will do this. I will tell you the things I know. I will do this because I am CHESTER!
Okay, the first thing that I know is that the things that are cats do not like ANYTHING! this is true. I know this is true because I am Chester and that is me and I am smart and CHESTER.
Cats are the things that do not like the things that are not themselves or the special mushy food. It is a thing that is a thing that you can’t win!
But also itchies!! I get the medicines too! and they make my mouth have the stick of the medicines which is different than the thing that is the usual smell that the lady says smells like a “dead butt”. I know the thing that is that the lady loves me because a dead butt would be the best of the smells ever.
But she puts the medicine on my back so that I do not get the fleas or tinks or anything! But sometimes I get the thing that is the dry skin and that makes me SO ITCHY! scratch scratch scratch slaaaarp lick lick lick slaaaaaaaaaarp! I hate it and she hates it! BUT she does the thing that is AWESOME! If I do the thing that is itch too much then she does the thing that is feed me deliciousness! She will do a thing that is give me all the delicious fat from the roast and that is SO GOOD! or she will also give me the thing that is my dog food with tuna juice and something called ollie oil! All mixed together and I am such a GOOD BOY and I eat all of it! and Maddie is mean and she does not share any of her with me even though I got done first! Mean and not fair! She should share with me! Because I am chester and it is not my fault she is so slow!!! The lady said that if you have the thing that is dry skins then you can have the things that are delicious. Like eggs! I love eggs! Eggs are delicious!
Oh man! sometimes I should do the thing that is remember to pretend to be itchy so I can eat delicious things! but I will forgets
OH!! Do you go to the dog park???? I do! But I haven’t gone to the dog park in a many of days because there has been rain but also there has been big hotnesses on the outside and when we do the thing that is go for walks I get big hotnesses on the inside and I come back home and lay down! And the lady has been telling me the thing that she is going to buy some thing that has a ‘yard’! She says that I will love having a yard. Her dad has a ‘yard’ and I like to go to the place that is her dad’s house because I can do RUNRUNRUNRUNRUN! all over like the dog park but the only other dog is maddie and sometimes the dog that lives there and lots of time the cat is there! the cat does not like me! cats don’t like anything! But the cat’s name is Lester Big Easy and they call him Lester and that rhymes with Chester and that is the thing that I know!!!

copyright 2009 heather ward/bubbodesigns

It’s the little things that distract

By

the problem with the ‘microblogging’ (twitter and its inelegant cousin, the facebook wall) is that I’m able to brain vomit whatever is sloshing around in the head at that moment without concern for things like crafting paragraphs and intelligent transitions. So, being able to just dump without thinking (I’m like a bear! sitting next to the pope! in the woods!) sort of distracts from this place where presumably I put a modicum of thought into what I write.
So here are some random tidbits:

  • 36th birthday = big Indian food picnic in bed
  • I’m moving the Bubbo Designs shop from Etsy to Artfire. Mostly, I just happen to like the way Artfire works, their interface for listing items is way more streamlined, the payment set up makes more sense and they have happen to have a bunch of features I’d been wishing Etsy had. Listings are slim right now, I just pulled a bunch of yarn and sent it out to a brick and mortar, we’ll see how that goes. You will notice, however, that I have started selling some hand dyed roving. Coming soon: bigger Cthulhu awesomeness, purses, superwash roving and handspun.
  • take one medium eggplant, cube it, toss with kosher salt and let it weep for about 90 minutes (or the time it takes to go to walgreens to buy soap and then to Petco to buy a muzzle and then come home, laugh at chester in his muzzle, drink a beer and read a short story about apartheid and…)
    mince 3 cloves of garlic
    cook a small spaghetti squash in the microwave (please poke more holes in yours than I did in mine! the top assploded right off the squash and the guts are stuck to the microwave door) let cool and shred
    wash, de-rib and tear up about half a bunch of baby collard greens
    open one 28 oz can of crushed tomatoes
    open one 14 oz can of cannellini beans (or great northern), rinse the beans
    Rinse the eggplant quickly and fry it up until brownybrown on the outside and completely cooked through (undercooked eggplant makes me gag). Once the eggplant is done cooking toss the garlic in and saute until it starts to go a little golden. Add tomatoes to stop the garlic from overbrowning. mix it all up. Add 2 handfuls (mmmmmtechnical measurements! I have very little hands, so maybe do 1 handful) of Penzeys Pasta Sprinkle and maybe a fat tablespoon of Penzeys Greek Seasoning. Add beans and collard greens cover and let simmer.
    Make some spaghetti according to package directions. When the spaghetti is almost done, throw some golden raisins into the sauce.
    Serve sauce on spaghetti and also have a beer. Beer is good.
  • I love David Attenborough
  • IMG_4681.JPG
  • The dry mouth side effect that comes from taking effexor is linked to a “meth-mouth” type condition in the mouth where you don’t make enough of the awesome antibacterial saliva you need. This would explain why the enamel has literally been crumbling off my teeth a little bit at a time for the past year. I’m going to end up with fucking guv’ment dentures! my mouth will look like this: (UUUUUU)
  • Vietnamese Rice Noodle Salad
    1. In the minibowl of the food processor throw about 1/2 head peeled garlic cloves, a rightly good chunk of peeled ginger chunked up, about a tsp kosher salt and 3 tbl or so canola oil. whir it up, scrap down the edges, add more oil if necessary. If you whir too long you’ll get some sort of ginger garlic aioli but that can’t be a terrible thing, can it. put this to the side.
    2. dressing: mix together 3 tbl fish sauce, 2 tbl sugar, 1 tbl mirin, 1-2 tbl sesame oil, juice of a lime, 1/4 cup rice vinegar, 1 tbl ginger garlic paste you just made and chili oil to taste. Whisk and fridge for at least an hour.
    3. mock duck marinade: I discovered I was out of honey which sucked, but i found a jar of my peach clementine marmalade that I made like 2 years ago! 1/4 merciful peaches marmalade, 2tbl ginger garlic paste, 2 tbl sesame oil, 1/4 rice vinegar, few drops of chili oil. Whisked this and added one can of WELL SQUEEZED mock duck and that’s sitting there. Fry over high heat to caramelize it
    4. Chop, shred or otherwise prep: romaine lettuce, cilantro, papaya, tomatoes, cucumbers, sprouts. Cook and rinse rice noodles.
    5. Rice noodles in bowls, veggies on top, mock duck on that, dressing on everything.
    6. delicious
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