Category Archives: Doogles

Hihihi HI OH. MY. GOD!!! HI!

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Chester...bringing the sexy back...sort of

Oh my god!!!! HI HIHIHIHI HI hihihi!
HI

HI!

OH MY GOD! HI! My name is Chester and that is a picture of me (Chester) and I am Chester and I am doing the thing that is writing the words for you! I was going to do the thing that was write the words last night but I did a thing that was mess up except it couldn’t be a mess up because I am Chester and the thing that I know is all the stuff and the thing that I do is the not mess up! But the lady said she had to do the thing that was repurnish the artfives (ahem, republish the archives) and then I did the thing that was BARKBARKBARK and then THEN! I did the thing that was do a puking under the bed and the lady said the thing that was that I had to wait until today to write the words about my BARNACLE!!! and how my BARNACLE fell off my body.
The thing that is true is that the thing that is in the picture is not my barnacle, it is my weenus.
My barnacle was my special bump that lived on the thing that was my back and I loved him so and I hated when he got touched too much by the lady but the lady would say the thing that was she was just trying to make sure it wasn’t a bot fly!!! Why would I have a bot fly!? My name is Chester, not “Some cow that lives in a place where there are bot flies!!!” but then the lady said the thing that was maybe a bot fly got confused because I look like the thing that is a cow and I eat the grass whenever I get a chance!!! But that is just crazy because I am the thing that is too smart to be a cow!
But I had a barnacle and I loved him!!! He lived on my back and was little and no one could see him and last night he went away! and do you want to know the WORST THING???
DO YOU???
I will tell you the worst thing but you have to be careful because if you know the worst thing then in your head will be the thing that is the worst!
Ready?
The worst thing ever is that the lady did the thing that was put my barnacle in the toilet!! CAN YOU EVEN DO A THING THAT IS BELIEVE THIS???? CAN YOU?
I can’t and I am Chester and I know things and I know this thing and I still cannot even believe it!

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That is also a picture of me (Chester) and I put it there to help you feel better. The lady says that my thing was probably not a barnacle but a superstitious substupendous lycodrama!! How does she even think she can know a thing! She doesn’t even know one thing so how can she know a thing about my barnacle? (once again, Ahem! It was a superficial subcutaneous lypoma) A thing that is true is that you can’t do a thing that is trust the lady! She says she does a thing that will give me my own good, but when does that happen? I already have my own good and I never get a thing for my own good! I only get a thing that is my barnacle falls off and she PUTS IT IN THE TOILET!!!
She thinks she has nicenesses but the thing that she has is poopstinks.
Also, other things that are true is that Maddie did poohibbity in the house yesterday because she has sick belly and has to have the pills and when she has the pills I get a peanut butter biscuit and when I have the peanut butter biscuit I have the happinesses!
Another thing that is true is that the lady and the man went away for a lot of days and the lady who is not the lady but is Anna stayed at the house and Anna is super nice to me (Chester) and doesn’t do a thing that is put my barnacle in the toilet and then do peewee on it and she takes me for twelve special walks! But then a thing happened where one of the times we went on a walk and then we did the thing that was come home from the walk and do you want to know a thing? A thing is that we came home from the walk and the lady and the man were at the house waiting for us! It was like a magic thing and I was so excited that I forgot that I was supposed to do the thing that was like Anna more than the lady!!

Did you see that I did the thing that was jump all the way up to the lady’s face! I can do that because I am a thing that is a Super Muntz!!! And I can do that! Maddie cannot even do that a little bit because her head is a thing that is so big it makes too many heavinesses on her! ha h ha ha!!! Maddie has a hippohead!!!!
Okay! Now I am going to go do the thing that is have a nap because I have the tirednesses! A thing that is true is that being this smart makes you have the tirednesses!!!

Take the hungry from mah belly!

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David brought home the plague from one of the booger factories he works with. So, he’s been sick, now I’m sick.
But before I got sick, I cooked! Like a maniac.
First, a coconut curry squash stew:
I used this recipe as a starting point. More garlic, less onion, no bell pepper, I used crowder peas instead of chick peas because that’s what i had on hand. Instead of curry powder I mixed up a blend of spices heavy on the cinnamon, allspice and nutmeg, along with toasted cumin seeds, mustard seeds, fenugreek, coriander, smoked spanish paprika and a bunch of other things, I also added a small dollop of red curry paste and a big dollop of mild curry paste. I also added 1/2 a squash that I got from my sister. She told me what kind it was but I can’t remember. It’s about the same color as a butternut but slightly sweeter. Big, ridged on the outside. Good stuff. Served it on rice. David put coriander chutney on his, I put tamarind chutney on mine. Even better as leftovers.
Then, squash raviolis and pork tenderloin:
I sliced the pork tenderloin open and stuffed it with a mixture of chopped garlic, rosemary, olive oil and salt. I skewered it back together and let it marinate for the day.
Apple slices were tossed with olive oil, salt and pumpkin pie spice then baked in the oven at 225 for about an hour. This was to dry them a bit but still leave them juicy on the inside.
Ravioli stuffing was made from the other half of the squash, pureed and mixed with pressed ricotta, parmesan, salt, pepper and more pumpkin pie spice (really, I was too lazy to try to make the right spice blend). Because I was feeling lazy and wanted something quick I didn’t make my own pasta. Potsticker wrappers are perfect for the cause, they are the right size and thickness. Unfortunately, they were out of poststicker wrappers at the little grocery by my house. I know from experience that wonton wrappers are too thin, so i figured I would try the eggroll wrappers cut into squares. Meh, I don’t recommend the eggroll wrappers. too thin.
Pork roast went into the oven at 325 for less than an hour. While the roast was resting I brought a pot of water to a boil. In a giant frying pan I melted half a stick of butter, tossed in some toasted hazelnuts, the roasted apples and some rubbed sage. Once hot I added the ripped up leaves of a bunch of kale and sauteed. Raviolis were cooked and tossed in the frying pan with the kale and apple mixture. Everything was mixed up, pork was sliced and everything was served.
If I were to do it again I would roast the garlic for the pork before I stuffed it in. I cook my pork to just under done, still pink, and that does not allow the temp to get high enough to cook the garlic enough to mellow it. It was good but the garlic was still too strong. And the too-thin wrappers made the raviolis difficult to manipulate once they were cooked. I have to be super careful because they broke too easily.
And for the dogs, I made liver treats!
Making liver treats for the dogs SOUNDS like such an awesome idea! They think it is awesome, they think it is the best idea you will ever have. The idea is awesome, the execution is not so awesome.
Puree one pound of raw beef liver in the food processor. Oh holy shit! You think you have seen foulness in your times! YOU THINK THIS!!! But you have not seen truly foul anything until you look at a bowl of pureed raw beef liver. Holy. Crap.
It looks like a bowl of blood flavored instant pudding! It is red! It is wobbly! It is sticky! blergh.
The nice thing about dog treats is that they are not an exact science. The end result gets fed to an animal that licks its own butt in the name of high cuisine. So, dump the Sheol Brand Instant Liver Pudding of Doom into the stand mixer bowl along with a couple eggs, a handful of flax seed meal, some olive oil and about a cup of self-rising flour.
Note on the self rising flour: I happened to have self rising flour on hand because David picked some up for me once getting it confused with bread flour. Self rising flour has baking powder, if you use regular flour then add about a teaspoon of baking powder.
Using the dough hook, start mixing the vile mess. Keep adding flour until the mass becomes less sticky and more doughy. The lesson I learned the hard way is that pureed liver has many of the same properties as epoxy glues and never stops being sticky (‘add flour until no longer sticky’ is a common instruction for me when describing making doughs. It doesn’t work for this.). Oil a pie plate well and dump the monstrosity in there. Try to smooth it out with a greased rubber spatula. It won’t work. It will stick to your spatula. Bake at 325 for 30 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean.
Let cool.
At this point you will realize that your entire home smells like a cross between a slaughterhouse and your grandma’s kitchen on liver and onions night. God cannot hear your lamentations anymore for he has moved on to less smelly environs.
Once the lump has cooled, slice it into 1/4 inch slices and cut those into 1 inch wide piece. spread in single layer on a cookie sheet and dry in the oven at 225 for about an hour. Your dogs will love you forever and that will probably make up for the wretched odor that permeates every molecule of your home for the next 3 days.

hi HI hhihihihiii!

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Hi hi hi HI HI HI hihihihi!!! HI!! Oh my GOD HI!!!!
Hi!
My name is Chester and I am The dog that is the dog that is the lady’s dog! But also the lady has a dog that is Maddie! This is true. But I am not Maddie! NO! Maddie is a doofus and I am handsome, and that makes me Chester!
You can tell that I am Chester because I am so handsome and Maddie is standing there like a doofus hippohead
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Okay! SO! Something very very sad happened! This is true. Sad! My name is Chester and I am a good boy. This is true! But something happened this week that was not a thing that a good boy should do and I got very sad and scared. Maddie and me and the lady were playing “Captain RoundyButt’s good time Harfuffle Festival” on Monday and the lady did the thing that was knock me down and that is not sad because sometimes the games we play are of knocking down. But when she knocked me down I said a thing that was “grubble grubble” and Maddie got very upset because she does not like when the lady gets grubbled at. But then I got scared! I had scarednesses because when I was a very little I lived with dogs that were very big and mean to me and my brother Archie (who now lives with other people who do not do meannesses to him like the lady and the man do not do meannesses to me!). But I had so many scarednesses that I did snapteeth at Maddie and she get more upset because she knows you cannot do snapteeth by the lady and she tried to make me stop! and I got more scarednesses and she got more upsets.
and I bit her and I bit the lady!! I had to hide under the bed because I was so sad and scared and upset. and the lady kept doing the thing that was tell me to come out and get a treat but I did not do the thing that was believe her because I knew the thing that was that she was going to put me in the garbage can!
There were so many upsets and Maddie had to go away for a whole day and when she came back she had strings on her face and she was tired and sad and the lady had 14 worries and the man was very quiet. But the thing that is true is that I did not get put in the garbage can! The lady did not have any madnesses at me at all! She hugged me and told me I was still her little MonkeyMan and 12munts-chickenpunts.
But then…she gave me a bath.
And today she said the thing that was I’d better start doing the thing that was working off the thing that was called a vet bill! I have too many scarednesses of the vacuum and I am too short to reach the thing that is the sink and I don’t have thumbs so I can’t do a thing that is broom the floor! So I have to do this thing that is answer the questions again!

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Hi Chester,
My name is Koa and I’m a 1 year old Yellow Labrador Retreiver. I love my person very much but feel a little sad when she knits too much. Some days she gets home from work and I’m SOOOO excited to be with her. She takes me for a bit of a walk -glorious, then sits on the couch (Where I’m NOT allowed) with her hands busy knitting. Can you believe it?! I can’t even make eye contact with her, she pushes me away when I nudge her elbow and lick her hands. She won’t let me help her by holding the ball of wool in my mouth. Finally I sigh dramatically and lie down on her legs. She thinks she can make it up to me by rubbing my tummy with her feet. Yeah right! That’s just not good enough! What do you do when this happens Chester?
Sincerely,
GIVE ME MORE!
HI HI HI hi hiHIHIhi!
Oh my god! you are not allowed on the couch?? That is 12 terrible sadnesses! this is a thing that I know because I am allowed on the couch (except the lady calls it a sofa because she is a doofus)! Are you allowed on the thing that is the bed? I am allowed on the bed and I would have so many sadnesses if I could not go on the bed!
The lady does the thing that is crochet which I think is like the thing that is knitting except is the thing the lady does.
But you are 1 years old! that is a thing that is still a little! You are a little! Littles have importances that are play times. I am 3 years old and not a little but still I have importances that are play times! I have to go to the place that is the Dog Park and I have to do RUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUN!!!! and CHASE CHASE and sometimes I have to do ROLL ROLL ROLL on things that have gooooood smells! This is true!
You need this too. Do you want to know the thing that is the thing that I do? I do the thing that is be crazytimes! I grubblerun around the house, I jump on the lady, I BARK BARK BARK!!! and finally the lady says the thing that is “that’s it, I’m taking you to the place that is the dog park and running you to the thing that is exhausted!” and I get to go to the dog park! and you should too!.

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dear chester,
how did you get to be so smart? i know you are smart cause you know stuffs and you are chester. did you eat the smart pills from taipei bunny’s cage? how do get to be as smart as you?
not as smart as chester
HIHI HIhihiHIH HIHIIhIHIH
Smartnesses! I have the things that are smartnesses! I remember taipei bunny! and the smartnesses! But I don’t know about where the smartnesses cam from! The lady says it is because I am Rat Terrier and that I like to do the thing that is solve problems, but also the lady says the Beagle of me tempers the smartnesses. But she also says the thing that smartnesses are the thing that is creepy! But I don’t know about that because I am only Chester!

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Dear Chester,
I am a cat named Giacomo (after Giacomo Casanova) and I am the prettiest cat in the world. I live in an apartment with my cat friend Winky and a lady. I have a small problem. When I was little, I used to like to hump things, but before I went to live with the lady, they took me to the vet and “fixed me”. Then I stopped wanting to hump things.
Well, my friend Winky still likes to hump things! Including me! But I know he has been “fixed” too, because I sniffed his butt, and it smells fixed. I am the boss kitty, and I don’t like being humped all of the time! It is simply undignified. When the lady is home, sometimes she makes him stop..but the lady isn’t home all of the time. How do I make Winky stop humping me?
Giacomo.
HI HI HIHIHI hihihiHIHIhihi!
HA HA HA CATS ARE THE THING THAT IS FUNNY!
Humpcats are SO FUNNY!!! Hahahaha!! Oh my god! I should tell the dogs at the place that is the dog park about humpcats! I bet they would think it was funnier than my other jokes! Like my joke about how the man picks UP my poop. OH MY GOD the dogs laugh so much when I say that one.
HUMPCATS!!
HA HA HA HA!!!!
Sometimes I like to do the thing that is hump maddie even though the vet did the thing that was make me fixed but I know that Maddie is the thing that is the boss of the pets (and the lady is the boss of us) but I like to do humps on Maddie and Maddie does the thing that is knock me down. and we play a game and run and she does the thing that is knock me down.
You should knock down the Winky!
HUMPCATS!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!

***


Dear Chester
My name is Beans, and my sister (Buster) and I are Fox Terriers. Our favourite pass-time is chasing things. Last weekend a very small kitten (maybe 8 human weeks old?) was tottering along our fence and invaded (fell into) our yard. My sister and I immediately gave chance, and my human screamed a lot and called for her husband.
Much chasing ensued, and eventually I pinned down the kitten. Turns out they are very sharp and I couldn’t really get very close to it before my human snatched away the kitty, and her husband snatched away me. Buster was still yapping and running around their feet.
The kitten was scared (for some reason) and tried to get away from my human by biting her very hard on the finger and on her arm (as I said – turns out they are very sharp). My human got to the fence and put the kitty over, despite suffering lots of bites.
Buster and I continued to run around madly yapping in the yard (while my human sat gibbering in a bleeding mess) until we got locked in the house. It was an exciting event and my human has some nice bruises and had to get some shots from the human vet.
Since then Buster and I have been doing lots of kitty border patrols shifts along the fence line and making sure we do extra barks just in case the kitty is thinking about coming back for round two.
But here’s the problem – even though I would normally bark madly at anything from a bird to an imaginary bird, my human jumps and panics every time I bark because she thinks the kitten is back.
Should I bark less until my human has healed both mentally and physically (they are pretty good bruises and scratch marks)? Or is keeping the border safe from kitten invasions more important?
Sending you lots of woofs and licks,
Beans
HIHIHhihihIHIHI
Hi Beans!
Oh my god! The scarednesses! I know about the scarednesses! The scarednesses are a thing that are funny but not funny like poop jokes but funny like weird. I used to have scarednesses when I was a little because of biggers that were mean to me. But now there are no biggers that are mean to me, only nice, but still I have scarednesses sometimes. Is a thing that happens. The lady says the thing that is the brain does the things that are associations of things from times of scarednesses so that when they happen again the brain can tell the body to run away from the thing making the scary! this is a thing she says that makes it okay to survive. But she said that sometimes the brain does the job too good.
You did the thing that was BARKBARKBARK at the little and that is the thing that you do. and the lady did the thing that was rescue the little because it is the thing she does. and the little did the thing that was be afraid and do the defendings because that is what littles do! and now the ladys brain did the thing that says “if the dog does the thing that is BARKBARKBARK then a little will do painfuls on me and I will bleed and be sad!”
You should not do the thing that is BARKBARKBARK so much! HA HA HA!! I say this!! HA HA HA!! but the lady tells me not to bark so much but every day the MAILMAN!! OH MY GOD!!! THE MAILMAN!!! the mailman HE COMES TO MY HOUSE!!! and I hat ethe mailman SO MUCH!!!!! and I do not just do the thing that is barking at him but I am the YELLING I HATE YOU MAILMAN I HATE YOU SO MUCH!!!!
STUPID MAILMAN!

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Hey Chester,
Do you like to play games? Does your lady play games with you? My bestest game is fetch. My mister finds a hair doody that my sister leaves laying all around and flips it in the air, or across the room, or anywhere, sometimes even under the cold food box thingy. it is hard to dig it out from there. Then I, smart cat that I am, fetch it! it is lots of fun.I bring it back to the mister and drop it so he can flip it again and again and again. I never get tired. What kinds of games do you play with your lady?
Skitz
PS My lady loves to read about Chester.
HIBIHHIHIhihiHIHI
HI
I love to play games!! The lady likes to play a game called Captain RoundyButt where she tries to do the thing that is pinch my butt! But the thing that is the game is that she does the thing that is go SO SLOW to the place that is my RoundyButt that I am made CRAZY!! and I am so crazy that I fall down and roll on my back and go HOWFHOWFHOWF and still she goes SO SLOW to my RoundyButt and I can’t STAND IT and I jump up and run around and around and then I come back BUT THEN!!! SHe goes SO SLOW at my butt!!! and I fall down again!!!
We also play the game of JUMPRUN!! Where the lady stands very still and she does the thing that is ignore me for a long time and then I do the thing that is believe she does not pay any attentions but then she JUMPS and YELLS and I am the thing that is SO SURPRISED that I run is a GIANT CIRCLE but my butt runs faster that my body and gets under me!
Also the lady does a thing where she puts a treat somewhere and I have to find it and get it. this is a game with many hardnesses to it because sometimes it is not easy to know the way to get the treat and sometimes I will try one way to get the treat but it won’t work and I have to do a thing that is try a different way! The lady says this is a good kind of game for me because it does the exercisements of my brains. She says I have many brains and I get the thing that is all looped up if I don’t do brain things.
Maddie doesn’t do brain things for games. The lady says that Maddie has other jobs in her brain. Maddie is a doofus! The only thing in her brains are the things that are “Keep the lady safe” and “Is the lady safe?” and sometimes “harfuffle!”

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Okay! Goodbye is the thing now! Because I am Chester and I have some tirednesses. The lady says this is enough of the workings for me today but tomorrow I will have to do the workings that are wash her car!!