Last night, after much running and looking and eating of egg salad sandwiches we saw Autistic License at the Illusion Theatre. The was great, very honest, very sad and very funny. I’d recommend it, but it’s done. Sorry.
Anyway, that’s not why I’m here to talk to you today. I’m here to talk to you about a different, more pressing issue.
Last night as we were walking from the theatre to the car we happened by the new and oddly named B.A.N.K. restaurant. I probably would not have given it another thought but they had a tent sign out front. On this sign they were advertising “Handcrafted Cocktails”. What does that mean exactly? Could somebody define “handcrafted” as it might apply to cocktails? and as such, how is this different than other places that make and serve cocktails?
Of course the word “handcrafted” brings to mind a long trained and deeply serious artisan, one who uses a cocktail shaker “handcrafted” by the reclusive cocktail monks of south jersey. A man so well trained in the art of cocktail making that he might tell you the difference between a cosmo and an old fashioned or something like that.
Somehow, I suspect that in this usage, “handcrafted” might be a very efficient way to say “we have a 3 page menu of shitty, overpriced ‘martinis’ with vaguely dirty names chock full of cheap flavored schnapps.” Yes, I can see the bar filling up with a crowd of suburban women out on the town for a bachelorette party! They got kicked out of the 90’s for being too obnoxious during the drag show and went to B.A.N.K. to get wasted on “Royal Mounties”*, “hula hoops”** and “linebackers”***.
* vodka, cranberry, maple syrup
** vodka, cointreau, slice of pineapple
*** vodka, lemonade, rohypnol

once again I think I fixed the regular vs spam comment issues.
Many regular, real, non-spam comments were getting junked because I put the raised the Junk Score Threshold too high. Amusingly, all my real comments were junked and still quite a lot of spam was getting published.
Today I installed the Comment Challenge plugin. It is similar to most CAPTCHA programs but instead of the swirly letters on loopy backgrounds, I set up a challenge/response scenario.
Currently, I am just asking you to type a specific word before you post your comment. if you type it correctly, your comment gets posted. If you type it incorrectly or do not type it at all (as in the case of the automatic spam) you get an error. The comment does not even get to the system unless the word is typed correctly.
I went with this instead of the crazy swirly word options because I’m one of those people who has a hell of a time deciphering those. Half the time I type stuff in incorrectly because I can’t tell if that’s a “7” or an “R” or if it is case-sensitive or what. since I figure I’m not all that terribly unique, others probably have that problem as well.
I had previously tried to use TypeKey authentication but none of you got a TypeKey account and that meant that I had to approve every damned comment anyway making more work. This way you are self-authenticating.
So, please test it out, see if it works.
Also, in updating the site with this I accidentally reverted to the default templates. Damn. I went to go see if the plugin was working and damned if you know it, my site was all grey and blue. Not awesome.
Well, my dinghos, it’s the weekend. There’ll be some dog park fun, perhaps some kite flying and maybe magic.

I’ve decided to start taking parenting advice from insane religious fundamentalist Jack Chick.
A couple years ago I ordered the monster pack All Tract Assortment as a gift for my firend Ethan because what says “I cherish our friendship” more than comic books detailing all the gay sex in the public schools and the actual witches who play D&D? Sometimes people need to be told how the Jews are the Chosen People and yet are still going to hell. These things are important. Also, the assortment was only $15 and you really can’t beat that price.
Cheap crazy is the best crazy there is.
Expensive crazy is when your HMO changes the formulary every few months.
Having placed an order with Chick Publications I am on thier mailing lists for both email and snail mail and try as I might, I cannot get off these lists. I think it has something to do with the word of god being unerasable and also the database of god being unmodifiable. I don’t know. They won’t take me off their lists. It’s fine, they send me all the new tracts and they also send me awesomely insane emails.
Today my personal note from Jack Chick was a note of grief regarding the Virginia Tech massacre. A lovely sentiment to be sure, until you realize that his grief is not about senseless violence and murder, but that many of those who died were not saved and now going straight to hell. Amazing.
To be fair, though, Fred Phelps is a bigger cockbite than Jack Chick, but just barely.
Anyway, in addition to this pondering of eternal damnation for innocent victims he sent me a link to his latest tract. It’s amazing. It’s Awesome. It’s the most concise system of cause and effect in child rearing that I have ever seen. If you let your kids believe in Santa, The Tooth Fairy or The Easter Bunny he will be so angry when he discovers your lie he will refuse to believe in Jesus AND become a mass murderer!
Now that’s a stunning one-two punch if I’ve ever seen one. Every dollar the toothfairy leaves under a pillow is another bullet in the back of an innocent victim! And the thing is, I think the statistics carry this one for him! Think about all the kids told about Santa and the Easter Bunny, there are only a few and they all grew up to be insane killers…John Wayne Gacy, Hitler, GWB, that creepy guy who runs the impact gun at the slaughterhouse, Vlad Tepes, Ghengis Khan, Gary Coleman, Ariel Sharon, Lizzy Borden, and the list goes on and on. Seriously, all the people who grow up to not become mass murderers are the same people who were not led to believe in Santa.
Read for yourself and learn how to save your kids.

I was at my desk listening to yesterday podcast for Fresh Air. An interview with a forensic veterinarian. I thought this would be fascinating, I love animals, I love forensics, I love when mysteries come together. I love the idea of using real science to prosecute criminals (because, let’s be honest here, far too many people have been convicted of crimes they never committed because the prosecution can dangle fear or prejudice in front a jury, but that’s another rant for another time. right now, science=good). Terry Gross, host of Fresh Air warned me that some of the stuff they would be talking about would be hard to hear.
I got 8 minutes into the program before I was furious and crying at my desk. I could not believe what I was hearing. I could not believe what these people had done. Who thinks up these terrible things to do? I’m not even going to describe what they did, but I am sickened to my heart to imagine it.
On the other hand, there is an awesome cute puppy outside my office learning to play fetch. That makes me smile.

oh damn! I just ate the grossest thing ever. Fuck. eeeeeuw. Like I just want to shit twice and die!
I should have known better. The security guards had a box of off brand “Marzipan Rum Balls” that had been sitting in their office all day with only 3 eaten. Now that’s an official red alert warning sign. If the security guards won’t eat it, then actual humans should avoid it at all costs. But I’m craving sugar and all my hidden supplies have slowly dwindled and I’ve been getting more whiskey than candy from my minions.
I gave in, I grabbed one and tried to eat it.
Dude! Shit! GOD!!!!! Holy crap. Psycho crazy pink dried out marzipan substance loaded with artificial rum extract, covered in chocolate and those waxy brown sprinkles that you always think with taste like chocolate but usually taste like otherbutt.
What was I thinking? Was my sugar craving so bad that I just had to eat it? I’ve had some pretty nasty things in my mouth, but this was the worst. I would rather run my open mouth across the entirety of the dog park before eating another one of those. I’ve consumed almost a quart of water and still the taste lingers like satan’s own skidmark in my mouth. I might be the first person ever to die of gross flavor.
The thing is, I did this once before. The security guards got a box of freaky Russian candy and they were all remarking on how gross it was. Still, I had to ignore them and try it. The thing about Russian candy is that all the colors are correct, it LOOKS like real and tasty candy, but none of the ingredients for candy are actually available in Putin’s nut filled wonderland of assassinations and bizarreness. They just use equivalent replacements. Instead of sugar, they used ground up newspaper (except they don’t have newspaper so they use old paint and the souls of Boris and Gleb for their newspapers), instead of chocolate they use the clay from the banks of the Mighty Volga River, instead of fruit flavoring, they use various forms of cat urine. This shit is popular over there because they don’t actually know what fruit, sugar or chocolate are supposed to be like.
Maybe I’ll stop at the DQ on the way home and get me a buster bar. I totally deserve it.
LATER: David and I went to DQ after the dog park and I got me an entire peanut buster parfait. He got the buster bar. I’ve eaten only the peanut buster parfait for dinner and nothing else. I defy old age! Now I just need to figure out how I can sit in the tub and watch my Discovery channel vhs documentary about the sun while soaking in the tub. (the video was checked out from the library AND Michael “Lt Worf” Dorn narrates it. I cannot defy my nerdiness)