Category Archives: Blab

Justification is so creamy good

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This is why I deserve ice cream:

  • Woke up and the bladder infection was still there. I do not need to go into details.
  • Took the dogs out, walked into the vestibule, grabbed the doorknob, remembered that David told me the door knob is locked.
    1. the door knob was locked.
    2. the door knob doesn’t get locked because Maddie chewed the lock knob and it doesn’t work. Maddie must have chewed the door knob again and managed to lock the door.
    3. I was only wearing my robe. Nothing else, no underpants or socks or dignity, just a fluffy light green robe
    4. It was my winter robe, the summer robe having been tossed in the wash. The winter robe is very very fluffy and warm. The vestibule was very very stuffy and warm
    5. I was stuck in a very small space with 2 ass dogs, a spider and sweat dribbling into my asscrack
    6. As you would expect, you cannot just turn a doorknob really hard and make the lock disengage. You might think that if you are very hot and your dogs are bugging you and your buttcheeks are damp you might deserve to enter your own home. Doorknob locks do not have a sense of justice.
    7. The dogs were very upset by this change in routine. Why did we get halfway through the ‘going in’ only to stop moments before victory?
    8. my duplex neighbor finally came home and she let me in the back door.
  • The dude at the clinic could not break a twenty to give me change for my copay. I ended up having to pay part of it with quarters
  • most people urinate in a stream. My urethra works like an impact sprinkler. I hate giving pee samples.
  • I’ve lost 10 pounds since my physical. It’s probably cancer.
  • A metric dickhole cut me off in the gas station parking lot almost hitting my car. I clearly had the right of way, but he clearly had the larger sense of entitlement and the smaller dick.
  • the dogs jump on me a lot when I don’t feel good.

Other reasons why I deserve ice cream:

  • I lost 10 pounds since my physical! awesome!
  • My pink felted fair isle purse worked beautifully. I don’t know whether to keep it for me or give it away for a christmas gift. I love the purse! I designed the purse! I am happy with it! It would make a great gift. If I keep it, then it’s great advertising. I just don’t know!
  • The self striping sock yarn I bought is striping up very nicely on the scarf I am making. I love the scarf, I may keep it or give it away. I hate these dilemmas.
  • I finally learned how to spell ‘dilemma’. For some incredible reason completely unknown to me, I always spelled it ‘dilemna’. Why on earth would I do that?
  • My antibiotics are giant and scary and they only cost me $3.71! that’s awesome!

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What’s with all the anger at Martha? I, too, can do a great many things
that Martha Stewart can do, but not all as well or as elegantly as she can.
As for your comment about MArtha going to jail—WHAT’S IT TO YOU!!! Stop
acting like some holier than thou snob! Besides if she’d been a man she
would have been rewarded for refusing to give up her info. Lets face facts
they only went after MArtha because she refused to bend over and take it up
the ass which is what most Republicans expect us all to do. I bet you’re a
George Bush fan as well!! Well, now there’s an true idiot for you!! The
only thing I figure is that you can’t do much of anything right and are
jealous of Martha Stewart. What’s wrong can’t get a cookie to turn out
right!! By the way I bake my own bread, paint my own artwork, do my own
crafts, sew, crochet, etc, etc, etc and have even raised 7 children What
are YOUR accomplishments honey; I don’t recall reading your last book or
watching YOUR television show. Get the point!!!!!!

I got this response today from a very old post I made, back when I made my first batch of jam. In only a single sentence I make a very tongue in cheek joke about Martha Stewart.
Obviously this person did not bother to read any of the rest of the site. If she had read more she’d know that I adore Martha for all her good ideas and deep seated nuttiness, I don’t idolize her or anything, that’s unhealthy. She might know about the various crafts and projects I undertake. She might have even gotten an idea of where my politics lie.
And so I am left to wonder, does this person surf the net daily to find mentions of Martha and defend her? Or was this just some sort of cosmic joke? Either way, I felt that a comment this important should not be lost to the ether….attached to a post 15 months old.

Proof #73 that I am dorkolicious

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This is me in an über-slouch, crocheting a scarf, surfing the web and listening to NPR podcasts.
I’m amazed I get laid at all.
Edited to add: You will also notice that I am wearing a Spongebob shirt. What you might not be able to see if that the shirt says “Nebraska Cornhuskers” on it. I think David bought it at a Stuckeys in Tennessee or Mississippi.

scraaaaaaaaatch bump

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At work, sitting at my desk thinking about ugly people dorm utility usage when i notice little bumps on my left hand. And they were on my right hand. And they were n my arms….and they kinda itched.
So I scratched because I love me a good scratchin’. and they itched more and I scratched more and my knees and hips were itchy and my shins and I kept scratching and itching and i looked like one of those people that smell like a garage and sit too close to you in the waiting area of city hall (all you want to do is deal with your ticket and get it over with). Ha, I was totally the crazy one.
This morning I was in the shower and my soap was gone so I used David’s. David’s soap is blue and has some sort of man scented manliness to it. I believe this is the “Power Sport Mountain Goat” scent, I’m not sure. It smells nice on him, though. I smelled all manly this morning.
Then I got little bumps that itched and I scraaatched those bumps. Dang. It seems that this soap is not just manly in name but also deed. It did not appreciate being molested by my boobs! It was offended by my lack of man-wiener. It wanted revenge.
It got revenge.
Now, take a minute and really think about every nook and cranny (heh heh cranny) that you wash with soap when you shower. All of them, right? If you don’t say ‘right’ I’m not going to sit by you anymore. all of those places itched.
This was worse than the time we switched detergents and I woke up in the middle of the night all allergic to my underpants.

dirty crochet

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Last night was knit crochet night at Borealis Yarn Shop in St Paul! It was my first night hanging out there. We discussed babies, trading dogs for whiskey, trading babies for whiskey, cervix poking and the ease of locking a dog in a box so you could go to work as opposed to having to pay for daycare.
Then it was opined that perhaps you COULD do that with a kid, but the consequences might be a little more severe than a hyperactive dog.
So, I guess trade the baby for whiskey before you have to choose between buying whiskey or paying for daycare! Easy!
Speaking of trading kids for whiskey, has there been any actual proof of kids drinking bleach on that reality show? I’ve seen speculation and hearsay and ‘it’s been reported that’ but no actual real evidence. And, frankly, with the hyperactive media shoving one sensation down our throats after another, I usually choose to reserve judgment on these things. Their retractions tend to be small and unnoticed. I don’t watch TV and I haven’t seen this show so I don’t know how harsh it is. I have a hard time believing any kid was ever really in danger. Network weasels lawyers generally don’t sign off on things like “kid might get bit by the rattlesnakes we lure into her cabin”. They’re kinda jumpy about that stuff, even if the parents did sign a contract that might have said “we will not hold cbs responsible for taking a rattlesnake, opening its mouth and pushing its fangs directly into the skin of my child”. Weird how the law works, contracts of consent do not absolve an entity from responsibility in the face of willful neglect.
The more I read about it the more I think, “hmmm I could get $25,000 to send the kid to ‘summer’ camp for three months. during this time he will be away from his shitty friends, all the cultural influence like MTV and beer commercials. I get some quiet. He might grow up a little, learn to work and maybe be responsible. Oh, better take out that life insurance policy on him before he goes. you know, just in case.”
I don’t have kids, though, I have dogs, and I don’t have to really worry about their friends since they can’t work a doorknob and can’t leave the house without me!
The day Chester comes home with a bag of catnip that ‘isn’t his’ I’m sending him to Dog Nation.