At my last job I had Microsoft Outlook for my email and day planner. It came loaded with all kinds of nifty functions and many of them were useless. My favorite useless feature had to do with synching Outlook with your special Timex watch.
I don’t wear watches because they get sweaty and smell and I tend to break shit and frankly I have enough problems trying to keep my pants in order; I don’t need to worry about a watch.
One would think that you need some sort of special equipment to synch your watch up with your computer, but that just isn’t the case with Outlook and your special Timex watch. Apparently you just need to hold it to the screen and it does the work for you. I decided to see what would happen.
The set up was easy enough. It asked what info I wanted to transfer and I picked all of it because one can’t be too choosy when synching a watch that doesn’t exist. I hit start.
My screen turned black
Seven white lines appeared
A flash
Suddenly the lines flicker and flash, and vibrate and dance to a beat all their own. It was mesmerizing. It was over too soon. I was thrilled and disappointed all at once. Then it asked me if it was successful. It seemed successful and yet I felt empty, so I hit NO.
It did it again.
I made it run over and over again. It looked like my computer was important and busy. I would scowl as people walked by. I HAD FOUND MY DIVERSION.

I have an issue that I think other women have but I am pretty sure that men don’t have. Sometimes I wait too long to pee. Maybe I am in the car, or preventing a dam from bursting, or just having too much smug fun in getting all the questions right on “The Joker’s Wild”… either way, I wait too long to pee. But waiting too long to pee isn’t my problem ( I mean, it is a problem, but not the one I am telling you about).
When you have to pee badly, you do the pee dance in an effort to shift your weight away from your bladder. Walking while clenching your ass is both highly attractive to people with drug induced tremors and an effective way to keep you from pissing yourself. I employ this method a lot, but as I reach the toilet I have to stop to undo my pants. I have to find the right position to stand in to get my pants down usually knees bent, ass thrust and clenched (my ass has far too much control over my bladder, if you ask me). My pants are unzipped and the problem presents itself.
Here I am standing in front of my toilet desperately needing to eliminate but I can’t because the moment I let my bent-knee/clenched ass position go I will lose all control over my bladder and empty all over the floor. This is how one pisses themselves while staring at the toilet.

Here is a list of things that are very American that people in developing nations would rightfully kill us for doing.
* Buffets: Gorging ourselves on marginally nutritious food and throwing away much of what we take.
* Car Washes: Dumping huge amounts of water and soap on our environmentally disastrous automobiles just to make them look pretty.
* Soda: We have regular access to what is arguably some of the world’s cleanest drinking water, but we prefer to imbibe artificially flavored and colored beverages.
* Multi-room, multi-bathroom houses: most people don’t even have a roof to shield them from the elements and we spread ourselves out over the land living 2 or 4 to a house that could hold many more.
Now, many of you are ready to call me a self righteous twit, but I freely admit to participating in each of these activities with gusto and pride. Casino buffets rank up there as a fun time for friends and families. I bring my car to a place where they wash and dry and vacuum and armour-all it for me. Why drink orange juice when orange soda approximates its color so nicely? And finally, I live with one other person in a 4 bedroom, 2 bathroom house in which, except for the lack of kitchen, it could be easily cut into 2 fully functioning separate living spaces.

Last night I entered the ranks of Nero and Caligula with my absurd decadence. I went to bed with my central air on since it was hot and humid out, but I left it so cold that eventually I was sleeping under my down comforter.
I will be installing the vomitorium any day now and I will be appointing my cat, Chloe, to the position of Ambassador to the Neighbors.

Area woman continually reminds her friends that novelty caribeener key chain should not be used as a real caribeener.