It’s time for the end of the year redux where I talk about all that happened in 2004 and what I learned from it. Obviously, the big event for me this year was the break up with my longtime girlfriend. It happened in March and colored most of the events in the following months. I’ll write another post about the other things I learned this year, but this will get its own post for now.
Nine months beore the actual break up was when I checked out emotionally. I remember the day, I remember the moment really. We’d gone to Owatonna after work for a little evening picnic. As we drove in to town looking for the park she said something for me and I knew I was done. It struck me right to the core. I tried not to react, I tried to think about it rationally.
And as we sat there in the park eating our thai papaya salad it occured to me that I was not doing much to contribute to the conversation, my head was spinning a million miles an hour with everything that should have been said but wasn’t.
We drove home quietly, not saying much for there wasn’t much to say about it. I knew then that if anything happened to the relationship I’d not do anything to save it and that was my mistake. My mistake was not walking away when I knew there was no hope, staying where I had no faith. I’d considered it, god knows I thought long and hard about it, but ultimately I concluded that I wasn’t smart enough or strong enough to do it on my own so I stayed figuring it was better than the alternative.
And I was wrong. In March I started to learn things about myself. I learned that I have inside me an enormous well of strength and I can use that to brace myself against anything and I learned that I may not be terribly smart, but I can make decisions and from that get the things that are important to me, without compromise.
And most importantly, I learned that I don’t need to be with someone to feel secure. That one took some grand thought, some real time alone in my head. It’s ironic that I make this statement just as I enter into a new relationship with someone, but what I know walking into this is that I have the luxury of being picky, I don’t have to compromise.
I made a big mistake in 2003, I underestimated myself in a major way and that mistake ended up permeating 2004. Lesson learned. I look forward to 2005 and a new beginning.

Been going old school in the car this week, hitting up the old Ani Difranco. This song has been getting the repeat treatment. I guess it’s sad to think of anyone willing to be like that or something, I don’t know.
Then I’ve got The Be Good Tanyas giving me a song about traveling. First time I saw the video to this song I got all teary eyed at the line “I love you so dearly, I love you so fearlessly”. I wanted very much to have a point in my life where that could happen. It still might someday, I don’t know.
I think I’ll make a cd of the sad songs by women I’ve been listening to, maybe post the list on here.

1) Rushmore is a good movie.
2) My dog is a kick ass companion.
3) I fucking hate winter in Minnesota.

Hey you two!
While I appreciate the sentiment and all there’s no need to send me a card. Seriously. I didn’t do anything. Fate just stepped right in there and she did a beautiful job. I can’t think of two personalities more suited to each other than yours. It’s almost eery in a way.
I look forward to your years together, I hope they are everything you deserve and more.
Shine on, you crazy kids!
h!