So there’s been a lot of talk and whatnot about nature and living in balance with nature and finding harmony with nature. People talk about this like it’s some sort of attainable and magical situation, living in harmony with nature. Yeah right! You put any David Attenborough nature documentary on and watch it for ten minutes and you will soon come to see that nature does not want to harmonize with your sad ass.
Nature is not the female lead in a wacky romantic comedy. She is not charmed by your efforts to get to know her, she is not amused by all the work you put into making her feel better. She doesn’t care! If you’re lucky you will make it through the rest of your life without her even taking notice of you. This is nature’s idea of balance: one day you’re a tiger beetle larvae just chilling in the ground, eating the ants that wander by. The next thing you know a fucking methocha wasp shows up, paralyzes you and injects her parasitic offspring into your belly where they will develop and eat you from the inside out. You get to be alive for most of this process.
This is balance and harmony in the eyes of nature. Your ant colony is happy and prosperous so a bunch of the ants get eaten. You’re a happy tiger beetle eating all those ants but now you have H.R. Giger’s wet dream residing in your thorax. Balance! Harmony!
The more time you spend trying to woo nature, the more likely it is that you wake up to the panicked screams of your loved ones trying to escape an aerial assault from a flock of venomous winged bears!
Sure, you only buy corn grown by sustainable herds of hopi indians who transport it in recycled shoes to your beer can hut but that isn’t going to stop the inevitable infestation of ebola eels in your elf built tree bog style composting toilet system.
Nature will cut you. She will lure you in with the promise of birdsong and shiny red apples and when you get close she will shove 15 or 20 fat tailed scorpions up your ass, wrap you in a portuguese man-o-war, drop you off a cliff and cover you in an avalanche or two. She laughs at you. Peace? Balance? Harmony? ha! You better run you little wiener…run before beesnakes find you
I find this to be especially true about the ocean. I have no business there. Scary stuff out in the ocean, man.
I woke up one day to find a giant deer with huuuuuge antlers in my backyard here near the flatirons in Boulder. I’m afraid to throw the trash at night because ya’ know, where there are deer THERE ARE MOUNTAIN LIONS who want to eat me. And not the feel-good sorta eat me. Its getting stinky. Someone please come throw my trash already!
This is brilliantly funny and so so true. Loved it!